Things and more things
I'll admit to certain things, it's hard for me to make the distinction between settling versus comfortably happy. It becomes most a chore to question yourself about the details. I'm almost 27 without a clue, that hill is looking mighty scary.
Sure, my job isn't the worst, but it sure isn't the best. It's almost draining to think of the future. I try to live it day by day and steps by steps, but sometimes it would be nice to feel long term stability or even a slight hint of security. So then it almost feels shallow. What's stability or security has got to do with feeling alive, not just surviving? Is that really the detail I should focus on? Of course not, far from it.
And relationships are just plain confusing. I can hardly understand my brain, let alone the heart. That is just a big ball of mess. Romantically reaching, yet at the same time, cynically realist. There is also this fine line, or maybe even, a huge grey area, between thinking I want too much or that I deserve much better. Knowing exactly what I want, or what I really need, is whole other Pandora's box...and who's got time for that? Maybe a lifetime wouldn't even be enough to figure that one out.
It's just a scary thing, but I can say I know that in this life, I've had so much love and so many laughs and all the memories, and I am fortunate enough to have the kind of unbreakable bonds that will help me through some heavy head days...sometimes my mind is my biggest ache.
"There are two types of waiting. There's the waiting you do for something you know is coming, sooner or later - like waiting for the 6.28 train, or the school bus, or a party where a certain handsome boy may be. And there's the waiting for something you don't know is coming. You don't know what it is exactly, but you're hoping for it. You're imagining it and living your life for it. That's the kind of waiting that makes a fist in your heart."
Sure, my job isn't the worst, but it sure isn't the best. It's almost draining to think of the future. I try to live it day by day and steps by steps, but sometimes it would be nice to feel long term stability or even a slight hint of security. So then it almost feels shallow. What's stability or security has got to do with feeling alive, not just surviving? Is that really the detail I should focus on? Of course not, far from it.
And relationships are just plain confusing. I can hardly understand my brain, let alone the heart. That is just a big ball of mess. Romantically reaching, yet at the same time, cynically realist. There is also this fine line, or maybe even, a huge grey area, between thinking I want too much or that I deserve much better. Knowing exactly what I want, or what I really need, is whole other Pandora's box...and who's got time for that? Maybe a lifetime wouldn't even be enough to figure that one out.
It's just a scary thing, but I can say I know that in this life, I've had so much love and so many laughs and all the memories, and I am fortunate enough to have the kind of unbreakable bonds that will help me through some heavy head days...sometimes my mind is my biggest ache.
"There are two types of waiting. There's the waiting you do for something you know is coming, sooner or later - like waiting for the 6.28 train, or the school bus, or a party where a certain handsome boy may be. And there's the waiting for something you don't know is coming. You don't know what it is exactly, but you're hoping for it. You're imagining it and living your life for it. That's the kind of waiting that makes a fist in your heart."