(no subject)
go me! i'm writing twice in the same week.
you know what the hardest thing in the world is when you quit something?
it's the actual quitting part and thinking "wow. this is the last time i ever do this."
and then it hurts so bad when you don't do it.
but it feels oh so good when you don't because you've realized that you've
just conquered your worst enemy.
YOURSELF.
but then when something gives you the slightest hint of what that old thing was it makes you practically orgasm because you remember how good it felt.
and you wish you could go back but then you remember you've been off it for ;alksdjf days;months;years.
and i've been off it since april when i thought i'd die still doing it.
and then you think you've gotten so far ahead than what you were;
you've changed so goddamn much you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror;
and you're a better person than you've been in your entire life.
but behold, it's back to kick you in the ass again
just to remind you of your past.
and all you want to do is shake this dark cloud hanging over your head away.
so you smile and crack jokes
and go about the world with a dazed expression
because it's so hard not to
when all you think about is "fuck. i'm sick again."
and you have this anger inside of you
((remember how you always got so upset whenever anyone told you
that you had an anger problem when you swore you didn't have an angry bone in your body.))
and you hate the people that made you this way.
the people who were supposed to protect you.
the very people who made that wrong decision to have you because they thought they could handle it.
but they couldn't.
and they failed as parents miserably and have fucked your life over.
so now you're kicking and screaming and running down the halls in your mind trying to figure out where you went wrong,
allthewhile you're walking through school with a smile plastered on your face.
you know what the saddest thing is?
you've given all your trust and "i know everything will turn out allright" away because you believed that there were good people in the world.
so now you're stuck with these thoughts alone in the corner, when you're really not alone at all.
but don't worry, i won't become who i was.
i don't even know that person anymore.
because i'm still fighting and i haven't given up and i won't.
because i'm too good for that.
you know what the hardest thing in the world is when you quit something?
it's the actual quitting part and thinking "wow. this is the last time i ever do this."
and then it hurts so bad when you don't do it.
but it feels oh so good when you don't because you've realized that you've
just conquered your worst enemy.
YOURSELF.
but then when something gives you the slightest hint of what that old thing was it makes you practically orgasm because you remember how good it felt.
and you wish you could go back but then you remember you've been off it for ;alksdjf days;months;years.
and i've been off it since april when i thought i'd die still doing it.
and then you think you've gotten so far ahead than what you were;
you've changed so goddamn much you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror;
and you're a better person than you've been in your entire life.
but behold, it's back to kick you in the ass again
just to remind you of your past.
and all you want to do is shake this dark cloud hanging over your head away.
so you smile and crack jokes
and go about the world with a dazed expression
because it's so hard not to
when all you think about is "fuck. i'm sick again."
and you have this anger inside of you
((remember how you always got so upset whenever anyone told you
that you had an anger problem when you swore you didn't have an angry bone in your body.))
and you hate the people that made you this way.
the people who were supposed to protect you.
the very people who made that wrong decision to have you because they thought they could handle it.
but they couldn't.
and they failed as parents miserably and have fucked your life over.
so now you're kicking and screaming and running down the halls in your mind trying to figure out where you went wrong,
allthewhile you're walking through school with a smile plastered on your face.
you know what the saddest thing is?
you've given all your trust and "i know everything will turn out allright" away because you believed that there were good people in the world.
so now you're stuck with these thoughts alone in the corner, when you're really not alone at all.
but don't worry, i won't become who i was.
i don't even know that person anymore.
because i'm still fighting and i haven't given up and i won't.
because i'm too good for that.