feelings...nothing more than feelings...shatty feelings of mixed emotions
today is the one year anniversary of my aunt's death. she died on a saturday and how she died, i'm not completely sure. i had just gotten back to school a few days earlier and i went grocery shopping with sharon and two other jackasses i'm no longer fond of and my other aunt called me. in wal-mart she tells me to 'be cool' and then proceeds to tell me that my aunt died. i couldnt understand what she was saying because it was 'wallyworld' and the shock was completely deafening. i was in line and i made myself sit down on the floor and i cried. i've never had anything like this happen before. the last person that closely related to me that died was my grandfather and i was four at the time. my grandmother's sister died in august the year before and she's lost another sister when i was fourteen and a brother when i was nine, but neither of those deaths were as hard hitting to me as this one. i shared a room with my aunt once. she used to baby sit me, take me out with her, do my hair, take me to school. it's just weird. my grandmother is a very strong woman and during my aunt's funeral, aside from already being emotional, hearing and seeing my grandmother cry and be vulnerable really made the situation feel ten times worse. i never want to relive anything like that again, but unfortunately i will. life is short term. it will last as long as it's supposed to, but eventually you'll lose the people closest to you and it will suck. maybe this is why i feel so bad today and had to take a personal from work...even though i worked a usual ten hour shift yesterday as the only manager....long story, but i survived and i feel like crap today. oh well. tomorrow's an off day and i'm going to crombie and sushi hiro just to get out of the house. all these college of charleston kids are back in town and it's going to be a crowded day downtown. i'm glad i didnt go to coc because it's such a big school and there are so many distractions. you know when you're in school and you feel a little stressed and you need a day- you could do that at smith because you knew you only had three days to miss of classes and you could only get away from campus if you had a car, knew somebody with a car, or disposable change for the bus. at coc, there's shopping and bars a second away and a party every friday night and no attendance policy. i'd never go to class because i'd always take the easy way out and end up on king street all day at crombie or kickin chicken or steve madden or bebe or express or all these other random stores shopping away from stress and eating away my money at some dive. four dollar ice cream at cold stone? yes please. twenty dollar chocolates at godiva? sure, why not? express card, victoria's secret card? of course! gap card....well, i hate that store now, no longer interested in using that card; but crombie card? oh i got one coming in about two weeks. i'd be in so much debt from shopping...but at least i wouldnt have to be forty grand in student loan debt right now. i think i made the right choice, though. ...i really miss smith right now. i think i might call up some people tomorrow to mess with them. hello, dr. staton? what's good? yes. that sounds like a plan!