Addiction, Vulnerability and Truth
It's my six month annivesary as a Non-Smoker. I have no desire to smoke. I am amazed at the layers of detoxification I have undergone and continue to confront. A thirty year addiction does not just disappear. I used cigarettes. Let's be honest. And addict uses their drug of choice. We like to talk about addiction as though it is something that happens to people and then we (addicts) have no control. That's all part of the lie. The addict is (passively) addicted, but the addict is also (actively) using the substance/behavior because we get something out of it. Often what we get isn't "high," but releif from the harshness of reality. My uses for cigarettes were multifacted.
Cigarettes kept me apart and shut me down, they helped me shield and kept me from shattering. They calmed me down and gave me an excuse to seek solitude. They set me apart. They quickened my metabolism, kept me firmly attached to my body and allowed me to close the doors of Perception while I slept. They kept the Hounds of Hell at bay.
Of course, the Hounds of Hell are part of me. They are in me and have been baying at the door and broken through the windows and run rampant through my "house" in these six months. To put it mildly, this sucks! I knew this would happen when I quit smoking, but damn I couldn't have known it would be like this. I couldn't have know all my stuff would come up for review, or that the lens I view it through without the softening effects of nicotine would be so harsh.
It doesn't help that I don't have anything else to "use" to ease this process. I don't use alcohol, drugs, sex,people, realtionships, or spending, shopping, gambling or other risky behaviors. Actually, since quitting smoking, I have also stopped ingesting high fructose corn syrup, white sugar, most white flour and almost all caffiene. All Hail Saint Karina. What is left is me, myself and the Mirrors of my creation. Fantastic!
A wise young Medicine Man once said to me, " I have never seen a Tobacco Plant Spirit quite as big as the one that walks with you." Tobacco is an ally and demon for me. Turning away from its influence has left me raw and open. In some very profound ways, I feel like I am in the midst of an initiatory process--again.
I can honestly say that I do not want to smoke. It is also true that six months after having smoked my last cigarette, I am still not standing on steady feet. I am still re-learning how to see and be in the world and in my own skin. I am learning how to stand still in the face of confrontation rather than literally running out the door to light a cigarette. I continue to discover parts of myself which were hidden and masked by the influence of nicotine and 3,999 other chemicals inhaled into my body 30 times a day. I have not yet learned how to sleep through the night, or to stay in my body when I do sleep! While I appreciate the attention of my Guides and their excitement at my newfound availabilty to hear them all the time . . .sleeplessness is becoming more than a little unhealthy. I have not yet fully embraced the parts of me which are fragile, terrified and less than beautiful. My metabolism is so slow now and I find no amount of exercise ( swimming 2K four times a week and working out with weights and walking rather than driving to run local errands) is not budging the scale lower at all
And still, the addiction whispers, "It could all be easier if you'd just light a cigarette." And I can imagine/feel/sense/be, with such frightening clarity, the sound of the lighter, and the light of the flame as I bring it close . . .the drag of the smoke through the filter and into my mouth, the pull of the chemicals into my lungs and the rush of nicotine through the cells of my being. The long, slow exhalation. Yep. Smoking as spiritual practice. Spoken like a True Addict!
I recall recently smelling cigarettes on one of my "smoking buddies" at a Drum and Dance event and thinking, "Did I smell like that?" Disgusting. Repulsive. I don't want that. But this . . . even at six months . . . well, it ain't easy and it's not pretty and it is Not Sexy. And I need to write about it. For me because I'm going through it and I'm frankly, sick of being quiet because I'm not in a place of Peace, Serenity and Wisdom. But also for others because we don't often get to hear what happens to an addict 6 months after s/he puts down hir drug of choice. And it might actually be helpful for people who are on their Path to see that there is no fucking exalted state --but that there is just more humanity, more prayer, more Kala, more showing up to ourselves so we can show up to our family and our lives and the world and the gods we serve and work in concert with. More humanity . . .so we can serve the Purposes we are here to serve.
So, "just for today," my purpose might be to show you the not-so-pretty side of myself. And god is self. Self is god. God is a person just like myself. Just like you. Just for today, it might be part of my purpose to reveal the rougher parts of this ride.
And I sit at the altar with my addiction, my fragility, my fear and loneliness, my brilliance and perception, my depth and willingness, the Sight that has open ten thousand fold, the endless flight from the body as I try to sleep . . . . and breathe into it all. And I come back to the body. Again and again and again, I pull my fleeing thoughts and emotions back Here, Now, to the Body. And I call Love to me. I wrap Her around me . . . a shawl of starlight . . . and know that this too will pass. I have what some people might call "faith." Faith that the parts of me I had disowned or denied will empower me and deepen my capacity for love, honesty, connection. That those I have harmed insensitively will forgive me someday.
I find myself returning to the 12 steps and am pleasantly surprised to discover how thoroughly woven into my spiritual practice they are. I tease out a thread here and hold it up to the light . . . Surrender. And another . . . Connection. And another . . . ask for help. And still . . . Share your story. And again, Ask forgiveness. And . . . Pray. Mmmhmm. It's all here, in my personal work and my teaching which are the same, if Truth is to be told.
It is taking longer than I had hoped. Recovery often does. Some days are harder than others. Some days I want to crawl right out of my skin. A friend tells me, "You'll be okay. You have a lot of Life Force." That day, her words are what hold me together.
I am resisting the impulse to toughen up. I am resisting the overwhelming desire to build walls and shields and enclosures around my heart. Tonight, I am resisting the impulse to hide and silence my process. When I open to the vision of who I am becoming, I see someone softer, more open and grace-full, more vulnerable and yet, more sure, sound and empowered. Power and Vulnerability walk hand in hand. Right now, I just feel vulnerable.
For now, I will write these words here even if they don't sound wise or certain. They are True. And that's all I have to offer on this, the anniversary of my supposed freedom from addiction to cigarettes.