(no subject)
My name is Casper.
I call myself Casper because I swear to god I must be invisible. I'm
5'2", 150lbs, and yet im still invisible.
Amazing.
So it's day 2 of not eating. Before that i binged for 3 days straight. I hate binging. I still feel so gross and bloated. Its completely not worth it.
I hate food. HATE. I always give in and feel good for the few minutes that im shoveling everything down, but then i feel like shit and hate myself for a week after that.
Its not worth it, and i refuse to let todays temptations forsake my dream. Im sick of being fat.
I can't wait until tomorrow when Shy comes back to work. A week is too long to be apart..
Work sucks without her. Plus I feel so much more inspired when im around her. Having a pro-ana best friend is amazing. She keeps me strong and motivated, but theres also some competition there. Who can get the smallest the fastest.
Shy and I have these Ana Inspiration scrapbooks that we work on when we're feeling upset or weak. I dont think i would be able to do this without the book. But instead of ana, we call our little friend Tink...as in Tinkerbell. That way we can ask eachother how Tink is in public and no one knows. And we dont wear red braceletes, we wear pink ones. Shy's boyfriend saw her wearing a red bracelete before and accused her of being anorexic, so we try to be more careful.
And i just want to mention to all those people who have PRO ana sites, and on those sites they say "being ana is not glamorous, and im not here to teach you how to do it". Don't be ridiculous. Anorexia is a disease, PRO ANA is a lifestyle. Its a choice. And our website is here to help girls who want to be pro ana. Because i've made this choice, and im strong enough to keep it up. If you want to be ana..or tink...you have to have goals. My first goal is to lose as much as i can before i leave for school. I have 36 days. My second goal is to be my ideal weirght (105lbs) by the time i come home from school (a year). Shy's goal is to be nice and slim by October, because in October she is getting a very pretty tattoo on her side.
Another goal that I have is to wear cutoff jean shorts and a little tank top and cowboy boots. And look good in them.
Thats my dream outfit, because i want to be a cowboy.
I keep getting more and more nervous about leaving Home Town. Big City is so far away...about 18 hours. Im so scared that i wont have the strength to be ana without Shy. But then again it might make it easier to be away from hom. Of course it would be easier if Shy would come with me, but i know that she cant.
Im going to live in Rez at the college, and i had to pay $2000 for a meal plan. That will buy me SO much bottled water. I guess being in a new town might make it easier to change. Tho Big City isn't exactly new to me since i lived there before with my ex boyfriend, JL. He made me fat and then broke up with me while i was visiting my family in Home Town. So i guess Big City isn't new. But being alone in Big City will be.
When i dont eat, i feel so much better. I feel light and energized and good about myself. I don't know why i fuck it up by eating. Not this time. Im going to go as long as i can without eating. I HATE eating, and i hate being the "friend" to all the guys i like. Like William....we went to elementary school together, and i had such a crush on him then. And then he became best friends with my older brother Dylan, and now William thinks of me as a little sister (we're the same age). And dont get me wrong, i love him like a brother, but i still want him to want me. But im just the dorky girl who keeps dying her hair silly colors and will always be just a little bit fat. I want to be the girl that all the boys want.
I want to be the perfect woman. I want to be beautiful and smart and funny. I need to be able to go camping without makeup and be glamorous without even trying. I just want to be perfect at everything. i WILL be perfect at everything. The only thing stopping me from being perfect is me. No more self sabotage.
I've never come so close, i've never worn so thin
I'm stepping out instead of closing in
Left myself behind when I made up my mind
No turning back this time = this is my new design <3
I guess i've been getting smaller and prettier sinse JL and i broke up. All my old friends from Big City have been making comments. Candy made a huge deal about it when i posted a new picture on facebook, and Jamie told me that i was hot. I wonder what JL will think? Well i dont care what he thinks. I really hate him.
I think i should be celebate until i get to 105lbs. That will make me want it even more..make me try harder, lol. I think i could do it. Actually i know that i could..
My stomach is grumbling. But that just means that its working. And the longer you do it, the easier it gets. I want to get my food from the sun, like a daisy. I should read the celestine prophecy again and start to meditate some more. Im sure i can get my energy from the universe.
So who will join me and rely on the sun and the universe to give us the food that we need?
Feed the soul and let the body fast.
