kuhori_rei in loveadvice

working on communication

Feb 02, 2012 12:15

Hi, loveadvice! I just joined this community, but looking through the entries you seem to be really awesome at giving constructive advice. I hope you can help me out!

Here's the story. My fiance and I have been together almost three years, and engaged for six months (we are waiting until I finish grad school to get married). Our relationship is very good ( ... )

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pinkmath

I think there is nothing wrong with discussing relationship issues over email. My bf of 3 years and counting do it. (We're also a long distance military couple ( ... )

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nottygypsy

I have some thoughts on your 10% feel free to take it or leave it as you will.

"There are times when he gets very moody and kind of shuts himself away, and won't talk about what's bothering him."

Men do this, heck, HUMANS do this, if it's not very frequent I wouldn't worry about it. Leave it with "Have I done something?" no, "can I help?" no, then give him his space. It's not always about you, and no one is perfectly cheerful 100% of the time. Give him a break.

"he always helps around the house if I ask him to, but never takes the initiative to do the dishes or take over dinner or do something nice for me just because."

Men DO THIS. If he helps when asked GREAT, but he cannot read your mind and be inspired to do a chore or cook dinner "just because". If you want a night off from cooking let him know, if he doesn't want to cook, go out.

No one can be the perfect partner 100% of the time, I'd say your 10% is well worth dealing with. My thoughts, best of luck to you.

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tacit

Men do this, heck, HUMANS do this, if it's not very frequent I wouldn't worry about it.Ten percent of the time is a lot; that's three solid days out of the month ( ... )

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alldayprayer

"It's not always about you, and no one is perfectly cheerful 100% of the time. Give him a break. "

This 100%. Sometimes people have a lot going on and need time to cool off before they can talk about it.

"he always helps around the house if I ask him to, but never takes the initiative to do the dishes or take over dinner or do something nice for me just because."

*I* do this frequently. My husband has to get after me to help do the dishes lol Honestly I hate cleaning, some people do. Yes, it has to be done. But he does it when you ask, so I don't see it as too much of a problem

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kalodaimon

Occasionally being depressed and wanting to be left alone sounds rather normal to me. Not everyone deals with their problems by talking about them, and I would imagine it would be rather insulting for someone to suggest you need therapy just because you get upset sometimes and deal with it differently than they do. Unless his depressive tendencies are more significant than you let on, it sounds like the same kind of disrespect for his feelings and experiences that you mentioned about your kids trick or treating.

I find that email can be a better way to communicate in some circumstances, especially to avoid misunderstandings, although it shouldn't be because you can't talk to the person. You can say outright that you aren't attacking him or don't mean to come across that way; most people believe what you say, as long as you say it in an obvious way.

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leaf_kunoichi

This

Except, I don't see the trick or treating thing as disrespect. He doesn't like it. His thoughts on the matter are just as valid as yours, op. What you need to discuss is how children will be rasied if you have them.

And, therapy is not for everyone. Even if he was at a point where he's depressed all the time, it doesn't work for everyone. Heck, he may have issues with it because his mom is A psychologist. He may not need it. He may just not want it.

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re_vised

This 100%.

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kanzan

This: "I sometimes feel like he disrespects some of my experiences and feelings" concerns me quite a bit, as does the communication problem. Personally, I have found that communicating via email in relationships as a main channel of talking about big issues indicates there's something really not working with communicating verbally and openly with each other. Since communication is such a huge part of a marriage that remains functional- I think the communication thing really is something I would tell him needed to be resolved and sorted out before I'd ever agree to marry.

Also, you need to be able to openly discuss how his comments about the trick or treating thing made you feel- since it made you feel disrespected. It sounds like he's the type that would be very defensive if you tried to talk to him about that, which for me personally, would ring serious alarm bells.

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re_vised

I think the emails have their place, but ultimately it is important to speak with him in person about the issues. Yes, there might be uncomfortable silences, but those are important to experience and deal with in a relationship. Why? Because it allows you to become comfortable and trusting of the other person.

Emails lack real emotion - the kind you would get from speaking with someone. They also allow too much thought, which can be good in some instances, but for this purpose it is letting you both mull over things and give "perfect" answers. Relationships are emotional and sometimes hard, you need to experience those emotions together.

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