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working on communication
Hi, loveadvice! I just joined this community, but looking through the entries you seem to be really awesome at giving constructive advice. I hope you can help me out!
Here's the story. My fiance and I have been together almost three years, and engaged for six months (we are waiting until I finish grad school to get married). Our relationship is very good compared to the relationships I see around me with my friends: we work through arguments instead of giving each other the silent treatment, we have a lot of fun together, etc. 90% of the time, I'm deliriously happy with him.
The problem is that other 10% of the time. There are times when he gets very moody and kind of shuts himself away, and won't talk about what's bothering him. I honestly suspect that he might have some mild depressive tendencies, but he refuses to look into the possibility of therapy, even though his mom is a psychologist and I've been in therapy for most of our relationship (due to issues from previous relationships). When I try to talk to him about it, he gets hurt and defensive, and insists he doesn't have a problem. Additionally, since we got engaged, I sometimes feel like he disrespects some of my experiences and feelings (for example, I told him that one of my favorite things as a little girl was going trick-or-treating on Halloween, and he said that he feels like it's a stupid ritual and we shouldn't let our kids do it). There are also times that I feel a little unappreciated--he always helps around the house if I ask him to, but never takes the initiative to do the dishes or take over dinner or do something nice for me just because.
I know these are things that I need to talk to him about. Usually when we need to have Big Important Discussions, we do them over email, because it allows us to write out all of our thoughts, read them over to know that we're saying exactly what we want to say in a non-hurtful way, and have time to formulate thoughts in a non-pressured environment (rather than sitting together and having long, painful silences while one person tries to figure out how to respond to the other). However, when I mentioned this to my therapist, she said that it was too impersonal to do things over email, and that we should talk in person.
So I suppose this is my question: is it okay to have important discussions about relationship issues over email, or is that too sterile and impersonal? And if it is okay--any suggestions of how to write to him in a way that he won't feel attacked?
Here's the story. My fiance and I have been together almost three years, and engaged for six months (we are waiting until I finish grad school to get married). Our relationship is very good compared to the relationships I see around me with my friends: we work through arguments instead of giving each other the silent treatment, we have a lot of fun together, etc. 90% of the time, I'm deliriously happy with him.
The problem is that other 10% of the time. There are times when he gets very moody and kind of shuts himself away, and won't talk about what's bothering him. I honestly suspect that he might have some mild depressive tendencies, but he refuses to look into the possibility of therapy, even though his mom is a psychologist and I've been in therapy for most of our relationship (due to issues from previous relationships). When I try to talk to him about it, he gets hurt and defensive, and insists he doesn't have a problem. Additionally, since we got engaged, I sometimes feel like he disrespects some of my experiences and feelings (for example, I told him that one of my favorite things as a little girl was going trick-or-treating on Halloween, and he said that he feels like it's a stupid ritual and we shouldn't let our kids do it). There are also times that I feel a little unappreciated--he always helps around the house if I ask him to, but never takes the initiative to do the dishes or take over dinner or do something nice for me just because.
I know these are things that I need to talk to him about. Usually when we need to have Big Important Discussions, we do them over email, because it allows us to write out all of our thoughts, read them over to know that we're saying exactly what we want to say in a non-hurtful way, and have time to formulate thoughts in a non-pressured environment (rather than sitting together and having long, painful silences while one person tries to figure out how to respond to the other). However, when I mentioned this to my therapist, she said that it was too impersonal to do things over email, and that we should talk in person.
So I suppose this is my question: is it okay to have important discussions about relationship issues over email, or is that too sterile and impersonal? And if it is okay--any suggestions of how to write to him in a way that he won't feel attacked?