thefiddlerscall in loveadvice

In love with friend advice?

Jan 25, 2012 11:11

Hey all, I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions for someone who is incredibly infatuated with a good friend. I am about 90% sure he doesn't feel the same, but I want to tell him because -- as we all know , you always hold on to that 10%. I know I won't get over it until I know for sure there is no chance with us, so I need to tell him ( ... )

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heureviolet

Maybe you can bring the subject up jokingly and see how he responds?

I just went through something like this and it went surprisingly okay. I didn't raise the subject but it just came up, so I guess I got lucky - I got my answer without directly telling him how I felt. He's none the wiser as to my actual feelings so it's not at all awkward, but now at least I know how HE feels about me so I can nip that last kernel of hope in the bud.

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tacit

I don't like the idea of bringing up the topic "jokingly." I think it lacks courage; it's a way of creating plausible deniability, where if the response goes some way you don't want it to go you can basically lie by laughing it off and denying that it's real. It's a form of dishonest communication.

The trick, as I have found it, to dealing with situations like this is to be honest, to be direct, but most important of all (and this can be hard to do) to do it with no expectation that your feelings will be returned. Often, when we have feelings for someone, we have an expectation that the person will share those feelings. We build fantasies about how nice it would be to be in a romantic relationship with that person, we daydream about what our lives would be like together, and then we get attached to those fantasies and daydreams ( ... )

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heureviolet

Not everybody has reserves of courage, sadly. I'm not saying that mine is the best way, just one way that ended up working out for me.

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kanzan

I've found that sometimes humour helps bringing up awkward subject matter, as sometimes it can be used to put people at ease a bit more. Honesty is best, and how you get to honesty isn't the most important part, but if a bit of laughter helps ease the tension, then by all means, feel free to utilise that. If you make it clear to him that regardless of his answer or how he feels about it, you will respond kindly and not cut him out of your life, he'll be more open to being honest with you.

Good luck.

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amethyst_wolf

I've been in this situation many a time, so I can definitely relate to you!

The best thing, I think, is to just tell the guy. In my experience, most guys tend to be pretty flattered when a friend tells them they like them. This can end in a few different ways:

1. He positively reacts and gives it a shot!
The best scenario, of course. In this case, just take it slow, and good luck!

2. He positively reacts, but declines, and wants to be friends (aka, friend zone'd!).
The next best thing - really. Okay, he's basically saying no, but he's not being a tool about it and still wants to be friends with you. If this happens, that's okay. Please don't pine over him/harp over the fact that you still like him, because it will make your friendship with him very, very awkward. You'll be hurt -anyone would, given a rejection - but he's still there for you, in a different way. Cut your losses, give yourself a day or two to mentally pick yourself up, and move on.

3. Negative reactions.Here's where things get tricky. If he says 'nope' and is cool ( ... )

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thefiddlerscall

Thank you! This "don't expect anything in return" thing has come up a couple times in responses. And I more or less just want to tell him to help myself get over it, so I'm really not expecting him to feel the same way - in fact kind of counting on the opposite. The negative reaction I'm worried about is things being suddenly awkward, because we do stuff together that is one on one and kind of could be date-like if it weren't plutonic.

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angelnova

I did this a year ago - told a friend that I liked him. Again, like others have said, I went into it without expectations and just did it for me. He reacted positively - saying how he admired my initiative and kept saying how brave I was, but said he didn't want a relationship at the moment. I told him that was fine, but I wanted to be apart of his life somehow and would be happy if we just talked more. He said he could do that and it was fantastic! All the walls came down and we were talking like never before! It's since died down a bit since then (it was a year ago), but we still talk every so often.

I saw go for it! It's one of the best things I've ever done. I was able to do something that I was terrified to do and never thought I could - that feeling alone was worth it, regardless of his response!

Best of luck to you. :)

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thefiddlerscall

This is an excellent story! I hope that this is how it turns out :)

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spicetones

Sadly, no. Good luck though.

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xsilentserenity

Been there, done that. And it turned out pretty well for me, I suppose. But with being friends, close friends at that, you're usually able to already have an idea what his reaction would be, since you've been around each other for so long. If he's a person who would be scared away from your friendship because of your feelings, then you have to decide whether that 10% is worth the risk or not. If he's the type of person who can accept something and move on, still holding onto your friendship, I'd say it's worth it. Of course, there's always that chance that he'll feel the same! Good luck, if you choose to tell him!

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thefiddlerscall

Thank you! I don't think he would freak out or stop being my friend, but it might be kind of awkward. he is an awkward person in general.

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