Body Image Love #179
In reference to my previous post: Loving the Body you Have,I'll be posting the exercises that I do from that book here. I'm a sort of disordered personality with things like this, so I won't be going in order through the book. Instead, I'll be picking and choosing numbers at random, posting the actual exercises here and then linking back on the original post (which will be on the sidebar here on this journal) for your reference.
179. Body Messages
Your relationship with your body today is created and complicated by the messages you have received about your body as a child from significant others in your life. What messages, overt and covert, about your child body do you remember receiving from your family? Were you praised? Teased? Criticized? Ignored? What else? What details can you remember? How do you remember feeling about your body at different ages? How are you still carrying around these messages today in your relationship with your body?
We can all recount the things that our parents have told us about our bodies, both directly and indirectly. I remember specifically when I was 8 or 9, my mom started telling me that I needed to suck in my stomach when I was in public. She said it would strengthen my abdominal muscles and eventually give me a smooth stomach. She never really called me fat at that time, but gave me the advice in response to my changing body and my complaints that my classmates were calling me fat. She didn't deny or confirm it, she just noted that I would feel better about my body later in life if I did that now and continued on throughout the rest of my life. *sucks in tummy*
Most of the messages I received were from my mom or classmates. My dad was always very mum on the concept, except to note that I wasn't strong enough for certain activities. /but the messages would come not only with regard to the appearance of my body, but to my ability to control my body.
Most embarrassing moment was when I was in kindergarten. We had to ask the teacher permission to go to the bathroom (which was right there in the room). I had already asked to go twice and was told no because I hadn't finished my work at my desk. We were all required to stay in our seats until we were done. I asked again and got yelled at. I tried holding it. I honestly did. But then a puddle formed underneath my desk and everyone started moving away from me. i was icky. I got yelled at for having the accident, even though I had done what I was supposed to have done, asked for permission. The teacher never took any responsibility (even when she became friends with my mom years later) and defended her right to ask that the school not send me home but keep me there in my dirty underwear and pants. When I went to my babysitter's that afternoon I was punished by her for my lack of control. I've kept a tight control over my bodily functions ever since...but of course, friends stayed away from me until it happened to the coolest boy in our class.
I was a tomboy at the time as well. My parents enrolled me in ballet, tap dance and gymnastics in an effort to make me more girlie. Once I was into 1st grade, developing friendships with other girls I started merging dolls, my little pony and strawberry shortcake with my trucks and cars (incidentally, when I played with dolls I was acting out early bondage themes). So, the "girls sports" thing was based more on my mom's interest in turning me into a girl. I never stuck with anything for very long, except when I finally started figure skating years later.
Around the same time, my mom was gaining and losing weight at an awful rate. I remember her standing in front of the mirror looking at her stomach bemoaning how fat she was. She was 110 lbs at the time (5 foot). So, watching her examine herself and be dissatisfied stuck with me a lot.
But it was my friends who got to me the most. In 2nd grade I had a horrible perm and short hair cut. I hated it. I hated looking like that. I was told that it made me look like a boy, a very ugly boy. In fact, they commented about how strange it was that i didn't have boy parts. It hurt a lot and I hid it from my parents (my mom was fighting the state in a legal battle and so I couldn't really turn to her or dad at the time) I remember being called ugly quite a bit from 2nd grade on, once by a boy I had a crush on throughout all of elementary school. I was called fat as well. Not really teased, but told, "you know you can't get him. You're too fat".
I was also awkward and gainly. I didn't do well in sports, I wasn't considered cute. I had started developing breasts by the middle of 4th grade, right around the time I had gone to Space Camp. As much as I tried to hide it, I couldn't. While I was at Space Camp, I was teased and called every name in the book. I was decidedly uncool, un-cute, "chubby" and a "cow". When I returned, I gave a series of presentations to the kids at school, so in spite being in tears the entire time I was at Space Camp, I learned how to project confidence and self-assuredness while I gave these talks, convincing several other students to attend Space Camp as well.
But most of my girl friends didn't start developing at the same time I did, so while boys started to pay more attention to me it was in terms of "well, since your'e the only one with breasts, I guess I'll talk to you". I had gotten over my initial trepidation about my boobs by the time 5th grade came along, when the other girls started to catch up. but by then I was already having heavy and regular periods with severe cramping (bleeding through my dress in front of everyone as I accepted an award at the end of the year assembly). So, having to spend hours in the sick room at school while my mom brought a change of clothes and got me cleaned up.
Once I hit middle school, it changed. While I still questioned whether I was really supposed to be a girl and would pray for guidance, I also became popular rather quickly. Half of my 5th grade class didn't follow us to the middle school and I had a whole new batch of friends. Those who didn't know how I had been called a cow or "horsey" or anything else. Because I was viewed as so much further along (bra size: 32A at the beginning of the year, 34A by the end of the year), I got a lot more attention from kids than before. I was also the first in my class to start dating. (little did they know I was a nympho when it came to masturbating). I had a boyfriend (who some suspected of being gay) who loved me, adored me, taught me much of what I know today.
In middle school, I would still occasionally get called ugly, but only after I had turned someone down. There was a lot of pressure in 7th grade to have sex. I didn't, but I continued to develop, I joined the cheerleading team (flexibility has it's advantages) and I was student council vice president.
Eight grade was great actually...but when a slam book started being passed around and I saw that people thought I was pretty, I nearly lost it. I didn't want to be known for being pretty. It got to me in a bad way that I can't explain. Any negative comments in the book were clearly from bitter exes (one of whom tried to get a gang after me that year to kill me), but I still worked hard to not let it get to me. But I had competition from one of my friends, Raine. She was 16 and considered sexy. I was only pretty. And that stung a little when she dated each of my crushes. I graduated that year at the top of my class as a student council president who was known for the good works I had started. I had been praised for my sexual skills (although I was still a virgin, I was more confident sexually than anyone else) but mostly for my smarts. I wasn't called fat, but my self-consciousness had remained with me for years and years to come.
All this before I was 14.
179. Body Messages
Your relationship with your body today is created and complicated by the messages you have received about your body as a child from significant others in your life. What messages, overt and covert, about your child body do you remember receiving from your family? Were you praised? Teased? Criticized? Ignored? What else? What details can you remember? How do you remember feeling about your body at different ages? How are you still carrying around these messages today in your relationship with your body?
We can all recount the things that our parents have told us about our bodies, both directly and indirectly. I remember specifically when I was 8 or 9, my mom started telling me that I needed to suck in my stomach when I was in public. She said it would strengthen my abdominal muscles and eventually give me a smooth stomach. She never really called me fat at that time, but gave me the advice in response to my changing body and my complaints that my classmates were calling me fat. She didn't deny or confirm it, she just noted that I would feel better about my body later in life if I did that now and continued on throughout the rest of my life. *sucks in tummy*
Most of the messages I received were from my mom or classmates. My dad was always very mum on the concept, except to note that I wasn't strong enough for certain activities. /but the messages would come not only with regard to the appearance of my body, but to my ability to control my body.
Most embarrassing moment was when I was in kindergarten. We had to ask the teacher permission to go to the bathroom (which was right there in the room). I had already asked to go twice and was told no because I hadn't finished my work at my desk. We were all required to stay in our seats until we were done. I asked again and got yelled at. I tried holding it. I honestly did. But then a puddle formed underneath my desk and everyone started moving away from me. i was icky. I got yelled at for having the accident, even though I had done what I was supposed to have done, asked for permission. The teacher never took any responsibility (even when she became friends with my mom years later) and defended her right to ask that the school not send me home but keep me there in my dirty underwear and pants. When I went to my babysitter's that afternoon I was punished by her for my lack of control. I've kept a tight control over my bodily functions ever since...but of course, friends stayed away from me until it happened to the coolest boy in our class.
I was a tomboy at the time as well. My parents enrolled me in ballet, tap dance and gymnastics in an effort to make me more girlie. Once I was into 1st grade, developing friendships with other girls I started merging dolls, my little pony and strawberry shortcake with my trucks and cars (incidentally, when I played with dolls I was acting out early bondage themes). So, the "girls sports" thing was based more on my mom's interest in turning me into a girl. I never stuck with anything for very long, except when I finally started figure skating years later.
Around the same time, my mom was gaining and losing weight at an awful rate. I remember her standing in front of the mirror looking at her stomach bemoaning how fat she was. She was 110 lbs at the time (5 foot). So, watching her examine herself and be dissatisfied stuck with me a lot.
But it was my friends who got to me the most. In 2nd grade I had a horrible perm and short hair cut. I hated it. I hated looking like that. I was told that it made me look like a boy, a very ugly boy. In fact, they commented about how strange it was that i didn't have boy parts. It hurt a lot and I hid it from my parents (my mom was fighting the state in a legal battle and so I couldn't really turn to her or dad at the time) I remember being called ugly quite a bit from 2nd grade on, once by a boy I had a crush on throughout all of elementary school. I was called fat as well. Not really teased, but told, "you know you can't get him. You're too fat".
I was also awkward and gainly. I didn't do well in sports, I wasn't considered cute. I had started developing breasts by the middle of 4th grade, right around the time I had gone to Space Camp. As much as I tried to hide it, I couldn't. While I was at Space Camp, I was teased and called every name in the book. I was decidedly uncool, un-cute, "chubby" and a "cow". When I returned, I gave a series of presentations to the kids at school, so in spite being in tears the entire time I was at Space Camp, I learned how to project confidence and self-assuredness while I gave these talks, convincing several other students to attend Space Camp as well.
But most of my girl friends didn't start developing at the same time I did, so while boys started to pay more attention to me it was in terms of "well, since your'e the only one with breasts, I guess I'll talk to you". I had gotten over my initial trepidation about my boobs by the time 5th grade came along, when the other girls started to catch up. but by then I was already having heavy and regular periods with severe cramping (bleeding through my dress in front of everyone as I accepted an award at the end of the year assembly). So, having to spend hours in the sick room at school while my mom brought a change of clothes and got me cleaned up.
Once I hit middle school, it changed. While I still questioned whether I was really supposed to be a girl and would pray for guidance, I also became popular rather quickly. Half of my 5th grade class didn't follow us to the middle school and I had a whole new batch of friends. Those who didn't know how I had been called a cow or "horsey" or anything else. Because I was viewed as so much further along (bra size: 32A at the beginning of the year, 34A by the end of the year), I got a lot more attention from kids than before. I was also the first in my class to start dating. (little did they know I was a nympho when it came to masturbating). I had a boyfriend (who some suspected of being gay) who loved me, adored me, taught me much of what I know today.
In middle school, I would still occasionally get called ugly, but only after I had turned someone down. There was a lot of pressure in 7th grade to have sex. I didn't, but I continued to develop, I joined the cheerleading team (flexibility has it's advantages) and I was student council vice president.
Eight grade was great actually...but when a slam book started being passed around and I saw that people thought I was pretty, I nearly lost it. I didn't want to be known for being pretty. It got to me in a bad way that I can't explain. Any negative comments in the book were clearly from bitter exes (one of whom tried to get a gang after me that year to kill me), but I still worked hard to not let it get to me. But I had competition from one of my friends, Raine. She was 16 and considered sexy. I was only pretty. And that stung a little when she dated each of my crushes. I graduated that year at the top of my class as a student council president who was known for the good works I had started. I had been praised for my sexual skills (although I was still a virgin, I was more confident sexually than anyone else) but mostly for my smarts. I wasn't called fat, but my self-consciousness had remained with me for years and years to come.
All this before I was 14.