Feeling bad....
Mark opened up to me the other night. His sincerity with every word meant alot to me. Shit, I didn't think he felt so strongly about me. He's been so patient and loving, and understanding ...and yes this should be a standard for all human beings but he wasn't like this before. So to see this change I've longed for for years, feels overwhelmingly wonderful. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve him. Not for the past, just speaking in present time. I'm feeling alot of mixed emotions about everything in life. From my family, to love, my kids, my life entirely. I'm not happy. Me. In my head, an my heart, I feel less and less each day. I'm slowly, again, detatching myself. I don't feel like crying, not necesarily a sadness, but an aching for not being able to uderstand how to make this better. I feel defective. I feel insecure. I don't want to move forward but rather stay still . Maybe this is all just too much for me afterall. How easy would it be to just get up and leave. Maybe I am poison to this family with this depression type attitude hanging over my head. How can I show my love and appreciation for someone when I don't feel......when i just feel numb. I remember driving home with mark after work, he would pick me up and i would tell him all about my day and he just sat that.. Unimpressed, nonchalant, who cares let's just listen to music attitude. Well now, i feel that way. I just don't care. Everything is uninteresting. Except my pipe. Fucking stupid obgyn wouldn't acknowledge my detachment. He thinks I'll be fine once Bree and jay are in school. :( really cuz my kids aren't the source of this void. I don't want to have sex, it makes me sick. I can't even watch porn. It's fucking weird. I'm trying to act interested, but I can give a shit less. I'll just lay here type attitude and say oh baby every now and then. I don't want to see my family. They are having major problems themselves and it's not like I can offer support or advice or anything. Their problems are major too. So why bother getting in the middle. Shhh.... Don't even talk to me. Go away. Go away. Go awaaay.
He's pissed right now. I wasn't trying to prevoke him. He hung up before it could go any further. Fuck if I only had a babysitter, I could drive for a while. That's what he doesn't understand. He gets that everyday. I don't. I see these brats all day long and night and this isnt our house so we have to hide in our fucking room and deal with it. Well I'm tired of this. I want what I used to have . I want my space. I want, more drugs. It's the only way not to feel over anxious or pissed or crazy. I feel normal. Fuck feeling like this. With or without drugs, it doesn't change this fucking void in my life.
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