Another Day In My Hell
Last night.. I went to work and it was okay until trevor said that NICKY was prettier than me. For all of you that do not know who NICKY is she is a beast.. That was like the worst insult that anyone has ever said to me.. I was really hurt.... Not saying that I am the hottest girl in the whole world, but I am way prettier than her....
Today..... I woke up and started to clean my room. When Jim called and wanted to know if I would go to lunch with him.. Grr.. I so didn't want to go, but I did anyway... It went okay....
To the real reasons that I needed to write this entry.....
I feel like I am about to lose Anthony forever.. I feel like there is someone else and that he doesn't love me anymore... I am ready to jump of the deep end and smile as I go down... That would be a smile of hallelujah I don't have to deal with life anymore.. Which be really f*ckin' great.... I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and only me.. That there is noone else and even though we are now officially broken up that we won't see anyone else, but each other.. This all started because he is getting his eyebrow pierced and I am really insecure as it is, but girls like a guy with things pierced.. I am just so afraid to lose him, and I would give my life not to lose him.. I wanted to get my belly button pierced then maybe I would feel more conifdent, but my mom won't let me.. So.. I have no dam* clue what to do with my life anymore... The one and only thing that I know for sure is that I love Anthony more than anything and he is the onle thing in my life that always keeps me smile and feel confident and now I don't. I feel lost and if I have no purpose. The thing is if I wanted another guy i could have one, but I don't and I just want him to hold me... RIGHT NOW! I want to f*ckin' scream and cry.... I hate this feeling and I hate the fact that I am not in comtrol of everything... I am such a f*ckin' control freak.. GOD! What can I do.. I am so confused and messed up and just wanting to crawl in a hole and die....
My parents are acting as if they do not have any kids and like I am an adult.. Well, if they want me to act like an adult then they need to treat me like one... My mom leaves for the weekend like she has no cares in the world.. My dad is so da*mn grumpy he is biting my head off for doing what he wanted me to do! I am ready to kill myself.. I hate life and I hate reality.. I want to run away and hide form everything.. Why can't I just disappear from this earth and noone miss me. I don't really think that anyone would miss me anyway.. I wish that I could die and not have to worry about anyone or anything, but I know I would still love Anthony and Jayme so much!
I think the only things in this world that keep me from slitting my throat are Jayme and Nick.. They are my world and a few days ago when i thought that my world was being ripped away from me I was willing to kill for them to be back in my arms.. I am so confused right now.. I don't know what to think or do anymore....
Bethanie