x....I hate valentines day, it makes me think....x
When is it time to give up, give up on what I used to have and face that I don't have it anymore. When is it time to face reality that I am alone, and all I can do it grasp it with faith to believe that I will be able to trust another again, be able to open myself up to another again, to want to be wanted by another for more than just one night. When is it time for me to want to date again. I have 4 guys I could date right now, and I keep finding something wrong with them, something small something insignificant. Something that makes me say no. No I am not still wrapped up in him, not at all. I'm scared to get hurt the way I did. I'm scared I will feel the way I once did. I'm scared to depend on someone other than myself and a beer in my hand. Is that sad, is that pathetic? Is that wrong? I don't know, but thats just the way it is. That is the way it has been for quite some time now. I have turned 3 guys down in the past 2 months, because I am "not dating right now". Truth is I'm really just scared to date again. Scared I will find someone who treats me right, someone who has respect for me and listens. I can't face that again.
I keep thinking about my future. Thinking that I am going to end up alone, because of the way things are going right now. All I want is to be older and come home to someone I love. To fall asleep and wake up in someones arms. But, I am scared to give myself the chance to find that. It'll never happen, I'll be the last to marry. People keep telling me things will get better, but when? I have been waiting for quite some time for things to get better, and it never seems to come.
This is why I hate this time of year. The time when everyone pairs off and finds love. My birthday 10 days after valentines day, lands me alone once again. People holding hands, people laughing, people kissing, people hugging, people in love. I can't stand them. I just want to huddle into a corner and cry. I know things could be much worse, but to me this is pretty damn bad. It may seem small and insignificant you all of you reading, but to me it is real. It is life.
--Shann