(no subject)
I was just browsing LJ and ran into a comment "life is never easy if you're a good person"(it's in Chritian women's forum). if that is really true, then i'm not a good person, and it'd result in a guilty feeling for having it too easy; a feeling i'm having right now. so far, my life has been a predictable, comfortable and safe journey. and i owe it all to God, my parents, and family. they are alwways there for me, etc. but since recently, i've been longing to just leave on my own and see who i am apart from all the support system i have (ofcourse except God). i appreciate everything i have, but i guess i'm at the age where there's the need to be independent. i might even have resisted it for way too long, bc i'm about to be 23, and am graduating with a B.S. before i turn 23. well, i'm continuing with grad school, and everyone tells me to take advantage of what my parents are offering (free housing and food, less bills, etc.). i feel like it IS a good idea. it's just that i'm more frustrated by the day, which i can only explain is because i need my space! it's an intense feeling, and once i get over an "attack" i feel unappreciative (well, at least i used to). other than that i have to improve my relationship with each of my family members, because, it seems so fake and unconnected as i always thought it was, since especially recently. but i'm debating which side is better for improving it; the outside, or the inside (while living with them). so, after contemplating all this, i come back to my original thought,... i have it really good that i feel i should never complain, and my life IS easy, and, not to be such a conceited person, but i believe i am a nice person; sometimes too nice that some family members get mad at me for it. ok i'm just blabbering now...
on another note, there was this (online) journal of a 15 yo girl who is dying of leukemia. she is the strongest person i have ever met(read about)! she talks about how she had to decide whether she was going to keep living in a vegetative state or remove the tubes out of her when her heart stops. her jornal is full of Bible verses and comforting poems etc.; today, she said that her heart was slowing down, and that she's just not ready for it. she knows she's dying soon. if i knew when i was dying i'd be scared, bc there's so much that i havn't done (my relationship with God, for one),...and i'm 23! it's just amazing to me. she'll be gone any time soon and she is an angel walking on earth. and here i am with these pitiful thoughts and deeds of mine, and i could die any minute now. i "pray" and "repent", but i'm back to it in a moment!
her jornal just got me thinking. what would you do if you knew you were going to die, say, in a few hours??