trying to keep it together
yesturday my mom read a chat between me and cam. she freaked told my brother and they yelled at me asking for shit i didnt even know. telling fighting cursung. "he doesnt love you " "he's gonna leave u here with a black baby,is that what u want" "brittiny ur a carzy ho..ur a fuckign slut"so i ran( in fear).. the only real thing i know how to do but my brother rode after me fighting me ...i was calling ppl to talk to..to calm down.. i was in hysterical mood...i couldnt even stop crying to say anything to the ppl that called..i made a scene infront of everybody in my neighborhood, and in everybody's point of veiw i should have gone back to lakeside..im not proud of acting like a crazy person...biting my brother.. hitting myself ....slamming my head into a fance... not my best days.. but i am glad i didnt cave.. i didnt give in to them.. but i did talk to them..gave them some comfrot that ....i know what im doing in this matter
i use to want their love...tryign for years to get it...even tried being something im not, but fuck that ..ive tried to much and had nothing to show for it but an empty alone girl . i slept all day yesturday.. evne feel alseep on the phone with cam which pisses me off so much i needed to talk to him.. make sure the things they were trying to put in my head werent true.....ill never believe a word they say. they tell more lies than i.. adn for the wrong reasons... they dont even knwo him...they dont even know me.
but i did find out somthing about my father... that i never knew... and it disturbed me. he use to cut.. he should me old scars .. he was telling me no matter what i do im going to grow up like him.. and marry a white guy.. and will b just like them...and that there's no use in trying to fight it
im sure my dad had he's own problems back then, and drove him to be this way. and now that i can say that he wasnt always like this i almost feel sorry for him . that something could ...change him..into this.
im very sick... very sick.. but im comeing to school i hafta to see cameron.. i hafta see hannah. willy..devyn...i always feel alone.. suicdal
when shit like this happens ...and i just need a hug....a cry on someone shoulder
i use to want their love...tryign for years to get it...even tried being something im not, but fuck that ..ive tried to much and had nothing to show for it but an empty alone girl . i slept all day yesturday.. evne feel alseep on the phone with cam which pisses me off so much i needed to talk to him.. make sure the things they were trying to put in my head werent true.....ill never believe a word they say. they tell more lies than i.. adn for the wrong reasons... they dont even knwo him...they dont even know me.
but i did find out somthing about my father... that i never knew... and it disturbed me. he use to cut.. he should me old scars .. he was telling me no matter what i do im going to grow up like him.. and marry a white guy.. and will b just like them...and that there's no use in trying to fight it
im sure my dad had he's own problems back then, and drove him to be this way. and now that i can say that he wasnt always like this i almost feel sorry for him . that something could ...change him..into this.
im very sick... very sick.. but im comeing to school i hafta to see cameron.. i hafta see hannah. willy..devyn...i always feel alone.. suicdal
when shit like this happens ...and i just need a hug....a cry on someone shoulder