Jumbled thoughts to the EXTREME
Do you ever feel like you could just talk and talk and not ever say everything that needs to be said? Well I do right now. And I'll be damned if I don't try and spill out everything I'm feeling tonight. By writing this I'm almost guaranteed I'll lose everything inside of me again. But if I don't...
I consider myself to be one of the more self-aware people in my age. I don't know if I'm sure of what that means exactly, but it feels right labeling myself that. It's no secret that I think way too much, Cristina makes fun of me for it all the time. But sometimes my thinking leads to like self evaluation. I spend a lot of energy on figuring out why I behave the way I do, how I've progressed through the years, what I can do to better myself, and how I would react to other situations. And through all this, one conclusion remains constant.
We will never understand ourselves; our minds, our bodies, our souls- they will always be a mystery to us.
And it's the worst kind of mystery. It's that seeing through a thin veil, almost being able to make it out, but not fully, kind of mystery.
I read a lot. I took a lot more classes in high school than an average student, and sometimes I research shit just for fun. Psychology always interests me because I think its the closest step we have to solving that mystery. Before I took a class on it, and before I did research, I thought we were pretty far along in the field. Like, I think at once I honestly thought we were close to knowing all we could in the field. I couldn't tell you how shocked I was to find that to be completely and totally untrue. We know NOTHING about our minds. It may seem that we do, because of how far we've come in the short time since Freud; but I don't know if I'm convinced that what we know is even valid. We know so little about something that will take many, many lifetimes of devotion on scratch the surface.
Getting back on the self aware tangent for a bit; I also like to think I'm more aware of other people. I believe I know the people in my life a lot better than they might think, and a lot more than I might let on. I almost like to explore people as much as I explore myself. I'm fascinated by people and their many plights; humanity as a whole is another one of those things we may never really understand.
Wow, there's really a lot we DON'T understand. I think on that a lot and a lot of the times its shocking and overwhelming. I honestly think I could write a book on how little we really know.
I guess all of this was born out of a search. Because I am searching for something. I want to find something to believe in. What a broad topic. I don't have any idea what I'm looking for, but I can feel that when I find it, I will know. Something to believe in... it could be anything. It could be spiritual, it could be myself, I could find it in someone else, or a career, or a cause. And its funny, because I've tried putting my faith into those things, and it always fails. I don't think that it will always though. I think that I'm just too young still, and when I have age, and experience, and wealth, and many other things; I'll find that thing I'm searching for. And I know it will be worth the wait.
I'm not going to hold back. I'm egotistical to a fault. I believe that only I can feel this way. This isn't true, I know that, but sometimes we just fool ourselves into believing things like that. I do that a lot. It's one of those things I'll never understand. I'm a pathological liar. And I'm a good one, a great one. I'm so good, There have been times where I've fooled myself into believing my own lies. Even though I know the real truth, telling the lie will become so second nature that the truth just slowly evaporates. It's created a hell for me in the past. One that sometimes I still revisit.
Jean Paul Sartre expressed that hell is other people. I don't know if that's true.
We create our own hell
It makes perfect sense. Who would know us better, who could come up with our own worst fears and pains than ourselves?
Sometimes I think I expect a lot from other people. Ego and restraint withheld, I'm a great person. I hold myself to a very high ethical standard, and will not falter. I have at times, and I still beat myself up for those times that I have. But those standards have also become what I expect from other people. It has led to fighting, and serious fighting at that, and I know that I shouldn't do it; but it's something I can't change. I believe I've become much less vocal about it in recent times, but I still feel that twinge of disappointment when I feel someone has slipped up, or something like that.
I complain about my family a lot, and I say things I don't normally mean but they will always come first for me. I wish I could say that I have friends I can trust like family, but I can't and I won't. Friends will come and go, no matter how permanent we may think they are, or want them to be. My mother told me this when I was in elementary school, middle school, and high school until a point. But it's not something I wanted to hear, it was something I had to experience before I could honestly grasp the simple concept that will always ring true. That is why family will always come first for me; because my friends will hold me up today, I know they will, but fifteen years from now, those friends may not be there anymore, but blood always will be.
Humans by sheer nature are curious. And I think thats why good parents let their kids have freedom. I'm sorry but I never took anything my mother told me as fact. I had to have life prove it to me before I could believe it; hell I had to have life prove some things multiple times to me. And yes, my mom was right ninety percent of the time. But that other 10, she wasn't. But that's not a fault of hers. Because she NEVER restrained me. My parents guided me, but never forced me into everything. They never overpowered me and I honestly think that they did an AMAZING job raising me.
I drink alcohol. I've smoked weed, and still will from time to time. I don't believe in God. Some people would say "Man his parents must have fucked up." I don't think so. Because shit like that DOESN'T MATTER. I'm not a spiritual person, but I believe there's something after this life. There has to be. Well maybe there doesn't have to be. After all, what difference does it make what happens after you're dead? If there is something, great; but if there isn't... well you won't know it anyway. But I do believe in an afterlife, and I believe that if I don't do anything completely despicable in this life, then I don't have anything to worry about in the next. And I also believe that this life is here for us to live it. Not to play safe. So people can frown on the things I've done or on the worse things others have done. People can scoff when they hear I believe I'm not only a good person, but an amazing person, even after doing what I've done. But what comes down to it is, I live my life for me. And I don't get in other people's way. That's the only way to do it. I'm not hurting anyone, INCLUDING MYSELF. So why not keep doing what I'm doing? I'm happy.
I was right. I haven't said all that is inside me. I could keep on going but I really am damn tired. Don't bother reading this, there's nothing there for anyone but me.
I consider myself to be one of the more self-aware people in my age. I don't know if I'm sure of what that means exactly, but it feels right labeling myself that. It's no secret that I think way too much, Cristina makes fun of me for it all the time. But sometimes my thinking leads to like self evaluation. I spend a lot of energy on figuring out why I behave the way I do, how I've progressed through the years, what I can do to better myself, and how I would react to other situations. And through all this, one conclusion remains constant.
We will never understand ourselves; our minds, our bodies, our souls- they will always be a mystery to us.
And it's the worst kind of mystery. It's that seeing through a thin veil, almost being able to make it out, but not fully, kind of mystery.
I read a lot. I took a lot more classes in high school than an average student, and sometimes I research shit just for fun. Psychology always interests me because I think its the closest step we have to solving that mystery. Before I took a class on it, and before I did research, I thought we were pretty far along in the field. Like, I think at once I honestly thought we were close to knowing all we could in the field. I couldn't tell you how shocked I was to find that to be completely and totally untrue. We know NOTHING about our minds. It may seem that we do, because of how far we've come in the short time since Freud; but I don't know if I'm convinced that what we know is even valid. We know so little about something that will take many, many lifetimes of devotion on scratch the surface.
Getting back on the self aware tangent for a bit; I also like to think I'm more aware of other people. I believe I know the people in my life a lot better than they might think, and a lot more than I might let on. I almost like to explore people as much as I explore myself. I'm fascinated by people and their many plights; humanity as a whole is another one of those things we may never really understand.
Wow, there's really a lot we DON'T understand. I think on that a lot and a lot of the times its shocking and overwhelming. I honestly think I could write a book on how little we really know.
I guess all of this was born out of a search. Because I am searching for something. I want to find something to believe in. What a broad topic. I don't have any idea what I'm looking for, but I can feel that when I find it, I will know. Something to believe in... it could be anything. It could be spiritual, it could be myself, I could find it in someone else, or a career, or a cause. And its funny, because I've tried putting my faith into those things, and it always fails. I don't think that it will always though. I think that I'm just too young still, and when I have age, and experience, and wealth, and many other things; I'll find that thing I'm searching for. And I know it will be worth the wait.
I'm not going to hold back. I'm egotistical to a fault. I believe that only I can feel this way. This isn't true, I know that, but sometimes we just fool ourselves into believing things like that. I do that a lot. It's one of those things I'll never understand. I'm a pathological liar. And I'm a good one, a great one. I'm so good, There have been times where I've fooled myself into believing my own lies. Even though I know the real truth, telling the lie will become so second nature that the truth just slowly evaporates. It's created a hell for me in the past. One that sometimes I still revisit.
Jean Paul Sartre expressed that hell is other people. I don't know if that's true.
We create our own hell
It makes perfect sense. Who would know us better, who could come up with our own worst fears and pains than ourselves?
Sometimes I think I expect a lot from other people. Ego and restraint withheld, I'm a great person. I hold myself to a very high ethical standard, and will not falter. I have at times, and I still beat myself up for those times that I have. But those standards have also become what I expect from other people. It has led to fighting, and serious fighting at that, and I know that I shouldn't do it; but it's something I can't change. I believe I've become much less vocal about it in recent times, but I still feel that twinge of disappointment when I feel someone has slipped up, or something like that.
I complain about my family a lot, and I say things I don't normally mean but they will always come first for me. I wish I could say that I have friends I can trust like family, but I can't and I won't. Friends will come and go, no matter how permanent we may think they are, or want them to be. My mother told me this when I was in elementary school, middle school, and high school until a point. But it's not something I wanted to hear, it was something I had to experience before I could honestly grasp the simple concept that will always ring true. That is why family will always come first for me; because my friends will hold me up today, I know they will, but fifteen years from now, those friends may not be there anymore, but blood always will be.
Humans by sheer nature are curious. And I think thats why good parents let their kids have freedom. I'm sorry but I never took anything my mother told me as fact. I had to have life prove it to me before I could believe it; hell I had to have life prove some things multiple times to me. And yes, my mom was right ninety percent of the time. But that other 10, she wasn't. But that's not a fault of hers. Because she NEVER restrained me. My parents guided me, but never forced me into everything. They never overpowered me and I honestly think that they did an AMAZING job raising me.
I drink alcohol. I've smoked weed, and still will from time to time. I don't believe in God. Some people would say "Man his parents must have fucked up." I don't think so. Because shit like that DOESN'T MATTER. I'm not a spiritual person, but I believe there's something after this life. There has to be. Well maybe there doesn't have to be. After all, what difference does it make what happens after you're dead? If there is something, great; but if there isn't... well you won't know it anyway. But I do believe in an afterlife, and I believe that if I don't do anything completely despicable in this life, then I don't have anything to worry about in the next. And I also believe that this life is here for us to live it. Not to play safe. So people can frown on the things I've done or on the worse things others have done. People can scoff when they hear I believe I'm not only a good person, but an amazing person, even after doing what I've done. But what comes down to it is, I live my life for me. And I don't get in other people's way. That's the only way to do it. I'm not hurting anyone, INCLUDING MYSELF. So why not keep doing what I'm doing? I'm happy.
I was right. I haven't said all that is inside me. I could keep on going but I really am damn tired. Don't bother reading this, there's nothing there for anyone but me.