Damage Control, Aisle 6
Oy vey.
Laz has got me spinning in circles. I feel so overwhelmed and overloaded and unprepared.
Anyhow, it looks as though Steph will be in the apartment on the weekends now.
Lovely, eh?
And Laz isn't happy because we aren't friends at the moment. We're cordial, but we don't hang out. And he says he's sick of holing up in his room for fear of breaking anything of mine in the main rooms.
We talked for like... two and a half hours.
Talk about sheer panic. Jeebus. I thought I'd end up having to move out this weekend.
I'm sitting here going, "No, not yet. Not yet. Please, just until spring, let me make it until spring."
Torn between crying and passing out from exhaustion as my body feels like it has been put through the wringer. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. I don't know how much more time I've bought myself, or how long I'll be able to cope with her in the apartment, or the farce I'll have to put on, but I'm working on it.
Just a few more months, and there will be sunlight again and I'll level out. Please let it be soon. Please let me just fall into my head and budget budget budget and get money saved up so I don't feel so trapped. Please let this panic go away. Please convince me I can take care of myself.
God, I wish I truly believed that I could take care of myself. Logically, I know I can. Emotionally... not so much.
My friend, Zat, said the following to me a week or so ago:
it's all about believing the confidence is there
and then it is
even if you feel like you're "acting"
and faking it , it does make a difference
yep, like when i talked to my therapist about living more fearlessly a while back when i was freakin out about stuff, she was like , to be fearless just act fearlessly even if you think it's just actingbecause in reality it's the actions that you do
that then influence the thoughts almost in a backward way
I wish I could talk to him right now. I wish he could calm me down, help me see the strength in myself.
I wish things didn't suck so much, and that I had listened to my instincts earlier on. I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time. I wish I knew a way out of this.
How much longer can we maintain? What am I willing to do to keep him happy? What will I give up for the feeling of safety?
I feel like I'm going to vomit.
Laz has got me spinning in circles. I feel so overwhelmed and overloaded and unprepared.
Anyhow, it looks as though Steph will be in the apartment on the weekends now.
Lovely, eh?
And Laz isn't happy because we aren't friends at the moment. We're cordial, but we don't hang out. And he says he's sick of holing up in his room for fear of breaking anything of mine in the main rooms.
We talked for like... two and a half hours.
Talk about sheer panic. Jeebus. I thought I'd end up having to move out this weekend.
I'm sitting here going, "No, not yet. Not yet. Please, just until spring, let me make it until spring."
Torn between crying and passing out from exhaustion as my body feels like it has been put through the wringer. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. I don't know how much more time I've bought myself, or how long I'll be able to cope with her in the apartment, or the farce I'll have to put on, but I'm working on it.
Just a few more months, and there will be sunlight again and I'll level out. Please let it be soon. Please let me just fall into my head and budget budget budget and get money saved up so I don't feel so trapped. Please let this panic go away. Please convince me I can take care of myself.
God, I wish I truly believed that I could take care of myself. Logically, I know I can. Emotionally... not so much.
My friend, Zat, said the following to me a week or so ago:
it's all about believing the confidence is there
and then it is
even if you feel like you're "acting"
and faking it , it does make a difference
yep, like when i talked to my therapist about living more fearlessly a while back when i was freakin out about stuff, she was like , to be fearless just act fearlessly even if you think it's just actingbecause in reality it's the actions that you do
that then influence the thoughts almost in a backward way
I wish I could talk to him right now. I wish he could calm me down, help me see the strength in myself.
I wish things didn't suck so much, and that I had listened to my instincts earlier on. I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time. I wish I knew a way out of this.
How much longer can we maintain? What am I willing to do to keep him happy? What will I give up for the feeling of safety?
I feel like I'm going to vomit.