*sigh*
It's, what... December 15th?
I'm down again.
I was doing well, and then I crashed. PMS, lack of sleep, hormones shooting around my body... I really don't know.
Fought off a panic attack for about three hours at work this morning. That sucked.
Laz terrifies me. Getting contact from him (not face to face, by phone calls and emails) terrifies me. As soon as I see he's calling or I have an email from him, I go into immediate panic mode.
The problem is, I've discovered that he doesn't keep his word when it inconveniences him.
So I don't trust him at all.
So I expect one of these days, I'm going to get a phone call or email telling me he can no longer handle having to be out of the apartment two weekends out of each month (we alternate), and that he's moving out ASAP and leaving me high and dry.
Which scares the shit out of me. Entirely.
I panic. I sweat, I shake, my heart goes haywire, I'm overwhelmed with fear, I can't concentrate, and the littlest thing will make me cry.
It's horrible.
And please, please don't tell me that I need to get out of there right away. That is the absolutely last thing I wish to hear.
Also, don't say something like, "You'll do okay, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you really need to get out of there."
Those are things that set off my panic. Seriously. I will read them and I'll start panicking again.
So I'd appreciate not seeing anything like that in my comments.
I'm getting my shit together, very slowly. I've made a to do list of things I want to do before moving out. Not that it is going to happen anytime soon. My panic is in my head, and I really need to deal with it, I need to confront it, find ways to think with it, flow with it, move with it, and handle it. There are methods of thought that therapists teach their patients in order to cope with panic attacks, and I need to learn them.
I am so freaking damaged from all of this. I try to hide it in my day to day life, but I know I'm cracked. I spent the last two years and some change hiding all of my pain and damage from myself, starting with Rick, going to now, and now I can't cope with it at all.
And I need to relearn how to do so. I need to get a handle on myself mentally and emotionally.
I need to stop relying on my guy friends for comfort and validation.
I need to get my life in order and take care of myself.
Zat says fake it, act it out (the life stuff), and it'll become reality.
I can do this. I'm exhausted, I feel like my internal bits (not physically) have been beaten black and blue. I don't always feel on edge, but when I do it isn't pleasant at all.
I am better than this. I can do more than this, I can deal with this and confront this. I just wish I had more time. I wish I had more free time, instead of being out and about every evening. This tiredness does not help. But I'm meeting awesome people, doing cool things, experiencing new things. It's really cool.
But does it really matter, if I don't get a handle on my brain?
Winter is the hardest for me, because of the seasonal depression. Coping with that, and with everything else... I try to keep my head afloat by avoiding and distracting. But that certainly didn't help in the past, made things even more damaged.
But I'm working on it.
I can do this.
I'm down again.
I was doing well, and then I crashed. PMS, lack of sleep, hormones shooting around my body... I really don't know.
Fought off a panic attack for about three hours at work this morning. That sucked.
Laz terrifies me. Getting contact from him (not face to face, by phone calls and emails) terrifies me. As soon as I see he's calling or I have an email from him, I go into immediate panic mode.
The problem is, I've discovered that he doesn't keep his word when it inconveniences him.
So I don't trust him at all.
So I expect one of these days, I'm going to get a phone call or email telling me he can no longer handle having to be out of the apartment two weekends out of each month (we alternate), and that he's moving out ASAP and leaving me high and dry.
Which scares the shit out of me. Entirely.
I panic. I sweat, I shake, my heart goes haywire, I'm overwhelmed with fear, I can't concentrate, and the littlest thing will make me cry.
It's horrible.
And please, please don't tell me that I need to get out of there right away. That is the absolutely last thing I wish to hear.
Also, don't say something like, "You'll do okay, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you really need to get out of there."
Those are things that set off my panic. Seriously. I will read them and I'll start panicking again.
So I'd appreciate not seeing anything like that in my comments.
I'm getting my shit together, very slowly. I've made a to do list of things I want to do before moving out. Not that it is going to happen anytime soon. My panic is in my head, and I really need to deal with it, I need to confront it, find ways to think with it, flow with it, move with it, and handle it. There are methods of thought that therapists teach their patients in order to cope with panic attacks, and I need to learn them.
I am so freaking damaged from all of this. I try to hide it in my day to day life, but I know I'm cracked. I spent the last two years and some change hiding all of my pain and damage from myself, starting with Rick, going to now, and now I can't cope with it at all.
And I need to relearn how to do so. I need to get a handle on myself mentally and emotionally.
I need to stop relying on my guy friends for comfort and validation.
I need to get my life in order and take care of myself.
Zat says fake it, act it out (the life stuff), and it'll become reality.
I can do this. I'm exhausted, I feel like my internal bits (not physically) have been beaten black and blue. I don't always feel on edge, but when I do it isn't pleasant at all.
I am better than this. I can do more than this, I can deal with this and confront this. I just wish I had more time. I wish I had more free time, instead of being out and about every evening. This tiredness does not help. But I'm meeting awesome people, doing cool things, experiencing new things. It's really cool.
But does it really matter, if I don't get a handle on my brain?
Winter is the hardest for me, because of the seasonal depression. Coping with that, and with everything else... I try to keep my head afloat by avoiding and distracting. But that certainly didn't help in the past, made things even more damaged.
But I'm working on it.
I can do this.