departure and worry and worry and worry.
when i was just a little girl, all i remember mostly are the good times. or at least that's what i try to do. but every now and then, i'll run across something that stops me in my tracks and follows me through out the day. like today, i woke up late. i was gathering some things from underneath my bed. some drawing things, a magazine, and a pencil were all in hand when i decided i wanted my print out of stars. so i reached beneath my bed again and pulled out a picture of my mom and dad from the christmas of '82. you know, no one really remembers when my parents got divorced. i know it was when i was really young because i don't even remember them being together happy. i remember the way they yelled. i remember the way my mom would stand up to my father even though he hit her countless times. he was always drunk and loud with his thick southern accent. he was full of pure hatred. he kind of ignored us unless he was extremely drunk. he came in late every night so i rarely ever saw him. when they got divorced... it was nothing new to me. i don't think i ever saw them kiss or hug. but in that christmas picture, my father and mother were so young. they were smiling. my mother was untouched by cruelty. her face glowed from pregnancy but she wasn't quite big yet. she just this 15 yr old blonde-haired blue-eyed girl that thought there were so many exciting things ahead of her.
i remember one night, when my mom was dating some guy named brett. he was a drunk, too. we lived with him out in the middle of nowhere. the house was white with a red film over it because we barely had any grass. it was just mostly dried clay out in the yard. Anyway, i heard my mom outside crying, screaming "please don't hurt my youngins. just please, don't hurt my kids." she was backed up against the wall beside the screen door. she had makeup on that was smeared. blue and black tears puddled on her cheeks. hailey was just a toddler and i was still on gerber, too. i was maybe 4 yrs old? how i remember this, i don't know. but i remember it so vividly. chasity, hailey, and i all went outside and saw them. brette had a belt in his hand. mama screamed for us to go back to bed. we ran back inside and snuck out the back door. chas carried hailey. we ran barefoot about a 1/4 a mile down the road to the neighbors. the couple was really nice. they didn't have children. we stayed with them until the cops came out to the house. brette was taken away, for how long, we don't know. my mom packed all of our things and we went to live with my little papa and nannaboo. we never saw brette horton again.
sometimes i wish my mom had that strength, now. but i guess where she's always been around men that controlled her, she has this warped sense of how relationships should be.
oh well... yeah. i remember all that from one picture. i love my dad. he lives in florida now. he's sober, works everyday, and just celebrated his 11th year of marriage with rhonda. as for my mom, well... she's sick. very sick. but i love them both very much. sometimes i wish we all could have had a normal life. i wish my mom understood how good life can be without all the drugs and pain. she gets lonely a lot. but then, i realize that things happen for a reason. this world is one big circle and i fully believe in karma. what goes around comes around. hmm... maybe that's my problem now. i just know that i'll never end up like that. i don't hope... i'll either be alone for the the rest of my life or i'll find the right man. there's no telling.
i remember one night, when my mom was dating some guy named brett. he was a drunk, too. we lived with him out in the middle of nowhere. the house was white with a red film over it because we barely had any grass. it was just mostly dried clay out in the yard. Anyway, i heard my mom outside crying, screaming "please don't hurt my youngins. just please, don't hurt my kids." she was backed up against the wall beside the screen door. she had makeup on that was smeared. blue and black tears puddled on her cheeks. hailey was just a toddler and i was still on gerber, too. i was maybe 4 yrs old? how i remember this, i don't know. but i remember it so vividly. chasity, hailey, and i all went outside and saw them. brette had a belt in his hand. mama screamed for us to go back to bed. we ran back inside and snuck out the back door. chas carried hailey. we ran barefoot about a 1/4 a mile down the road to the neighbors. the couple was really nice. they didn't have children. we stayed with them until the cops came out to the house. brette was taken away, for how long, we don't know. my mom packed all of our things and we went to live with my little papa and nannaboo. we never saw brette horton again.
sometimes i wish my mom had that strength, now. but i guess where she's always been around men that controlled her, she has this warped sense of how relationships should be.
oh well... yeah. i remember all that from one picture. i love my dad. he lives in florida now. he's sober, works everyday, and just celebrated his 11th year of marriage with rhonda. as for my mom, well... she's sick. very sick. but i love them both very much. sometimes i wish we all could have had a normal life. i wish my mom understood how good life can be without all the drugs and pain. she gets lonely a lot. but then, i realize that things happen for a reason. this world is one big circle and i fully believe in karma. what goes around comes around. hmm... maybe that's my problem now. i just know that i'll never end up like that. i don't hope... i'll either be alone for the the rest of my life or i'll find the right man. there's no telling.