i can feel your heavy feet pressing on my bones
This is a dedication. This is what you leave behind and what you can't. This is hanging in the air before your fingers close around the trapeze. This is like a weed in the crack in the concrete trying to grow against all odds. This is in thanks to some, and in regret, in pain, in anger, in letting go. This is figuring out if hope is too fragile a concept to trust. This is figuring out everything, finding little, finding enough. This hurts, like aching muscles when you've used them too hard, sore, but satisfying. This might be some kind of pride, or some kind of delusion.
I think above all this is a story. Someone said to me once, in Samsara; that's all that is holding us together, stories. Stories and compassion. That's all that is holding us together.
a squint when the lightbulb switches on
a stop as the water turns warm, then hot
afraid of the day in inarticulate ways
after the shower, the half dream will wash away
as incomplete as the ghost who still reaches for doorknobs
beginning to understand where hesitations come from
betrayal is in the air, my thoughts
better to not have to choose between safe and sorry
borderline between sides
but we used to be friends
can't be that simple
catalog all the reasons why a friendship ends
caught between those reasons is the truth i'll never know
certain there will never be certainties
despite all the thoughts that run through your head, you're never really
ready to let go, are you?
do whatever you have to do i said, to me
early warnings are never heeded
easy to say now that i should've known
even though we never made this walk together
even though we weren't that kind of pair
even when i promised not to do this
everything is missing right now
fashion your composure
for freedom- not really
for the time being, there's no way to know the reasons
forget, forgone, forgotten
gentleness is a statement
gestures are everything we need
go, i shouted, but what i meant was the opposite
growing up is hard to do
had i seen the distance?
had i seen the distance, could i have crossed it?
halved, harmed, hard to say
history often comes sooner than you think
hours cannot measure what i feel
housed inside me like a caged tiger
how strange it feels to talk about it
how was i planning to get through this alone?
i do not cry
i have had enough of that
i speak these words as a way of controlling them
instead of telling me everything is okay
instead of wallowing and saying life sucks
it is a way of releasing yourself; release your story
jungle laws apply here
just as i think i can do it...
juvenile to think i could escape
kidding myself that victory wins the way
kindness is clearly not the point
label me any way you want
lace your distain through every thought in this room
ladder your reasons till they reach the sky
lament as loud as you can- i know you're thinking of me
last night i couldn't imagine this new reality
late into the night i pictured it falling apart
leap if you have to
learn that things will mend in a new way
looking through the resins and pigments, i feel my senses' slow return
looping circles into patterns
loosing the fear of touch
loss takes as much as love does, sometimes more
low voices still say it was my fault
lures of truth turn out to be hooks
making circles
making lines
making meaningless meaning
making signs not meant to be read
mapping my design with a finger, she tells me i am blessed
marvelous words in an offhand tone
maybe that's all i need
miserable, misguided, misled
missing her is not an option right now
missing her seems to be a given
notice how fickle feelings can be
now i'm better, now i'm worse
nowhere is it written how to deal with this
over and over and over again
over and over until it is over
professing me true exhaustion, i tell them i'll be okay
profoundly sick at heart, but okay
puzzled by what to do
reping, rebuffing, redrawing, reflecting, regarding, regressing
rehearsing, reiterating, reliving, remembering, reopening, repaying
repealing, replying, retracing, returning
right at this moment i cannot imagine it being any worse
rollar cloaster run smoother than my mind
rope couldn't pull me home faster
row row row your boat, even as it sinks
safe in my room
searching that moment for the motivation i need
see, there is no going back
seesaw through the haze
sing out all the doubts you ever had
singe the memories, because they are the things that get lost in the fire
taking food to stop my hunger is pointless
tastes feel strange in my mouth
teach me to see this years from now
tear out the last seams
thoughts can follow you everwhere
under the covers, under the watch of my glow-in-the-dark stars
up until this moment, i have held back from the edge
verring away from the flashing-before-my-eyes
votive darkness, though, draws the memories to me
wading in, because i know i have to
witness my arms crossed over my heart
x marks this spot
years between us, but not that many
years we've gone without this kind of conversation
you know, they say, you'll get through this
you'll live each day one at a time
you'll live every day all at once
you live with the possibility of goodbye
you move on
you ponder this in the darkness and see you're not alone
your heart is not as broken as you think
zero hour has passed, it won't be as hard tomorrow
I think above all this is a story. Someone said to me once, in Samsara; that's all that is holding us together, stories. Stories and compassion. That's all that is holding us together.
a squint when the lightbulb switches on
a stop as the water turns warm, then hot
afraid of the day in inarticulate ways
after the shower, the half dream will wash away
as incomplete as the ghost who still reaches for doorknobs
beginning to understand where hesitations come from
betrayal is in the air, my thoughts
better to not have to choose between safe and sorry
borderline between sides
but we used to be friends
can't be that simple
catalog all the reasons why a friendship ends
caught between those reasons is the truth i'll never know
certain there will never be certainties
despite all the thoughts that run through your head, you're never really
ready to let go, are you?
do whatever you have to do i said, to me
early warnings are never heeded
easy to say now that i should've known
even though we never made this walk together
even though we weren't that kind of pair
even when i promised not to do this
everything is missing right now
fashion your composure
for freedom- not really
for the time being, there's no way to know the reasons
forget, forgone, forgotten
gentleness is a statement
gestures are everything we need
go, i shouted, but what i meant was the opposite
growing up is hard to do
had i seen the distance?
had i seen the distance, could i have crossed it?
halved, harmed, hard to say
history often comes sooner than you think
hours cannot measure what i feel
housed inside me like a caged tiger
how strange it feels to talk about it
how was i planning to get through this alone?
i do not cry
i have had enough of that
i speak these words as a way of controlling them
instead of telling me everything is okay
instead of wallowing and saying life sucks
it is a way of releasing yourself; release your story
jungle laws apply here
just as i think i can do it...
juvenile to think i could escape
kidding myself that victory wins the way
kindness is clearly not the point
label me any way you want
lace your distain through every thought in this room
ladder your reasons till they reach the sky
lament as loud as you can- i know you're thinking of me
last night i couldn't imagine this new reality
late into the night i pictured it falling apart
leap if you have to
learn that things will mend in a new way
looking through the resins and pigments, i feel my senses' slow return
looping circles into patterns
loosing the fear of touch
loss takes as much as love does, sometimes more
low voices still say it was my fault
lures of truth turn out to be hooks
making circles
making lines
making meaningless meaning
making signs not meant to be read
mapping my design with a finger, she tells me i am blessed
marvelous words in an offhand tone
maybe that's all i need
miserable, misguided, misled
missing her is not an option right now
missing her seems to be a given
notice how fickle feelings can be
now i'm better, now i'm worse
nowhere is it written how to deal with this
over and over and over again
over and over until it is over
professing me true exhaustion, i tell them i'll be okay
profoundly sick at heart, but okay
puzzled by what to do
reping, rebuffing, redrawing, reflecting, regarding, regressing
rehearsing, reiterating, reliving, remembering, reopening, repaying
repealing, replying, retracing, returning
right at this moment i cannot imagine it being any worse
rollar cloaster run smoother than my mind
rope couldn't pull me home faster
row row row your boat, even as it sinks
safe in my room
searching that moment for the motivation i need
see, there is no going back
seesaw through the haze
sing out all the doubts you ever had
singe the memories, because they are the things that get lost in the fire
taking food to stop my hunger is pointless
tastes feel strange in my mouth
teach me to see this years from now
tear out the last seams
thoughts can follow you everwhere
under the covers, under the watch of my glow-in-the-dark stars
up until this moment, i have held back from the edge
verring away from the flashing-before-my-eyes
votive darkness, though, draws the memories to me
wading in, because i know i have to
witness my arms crossed over my heart
x marks this spot
years between us, but not that many
years we've gone without this kind of conversation
you know, they say, you'll get through this
you'll live each day one at a time
you'll live every day all at once
you live with the possibility of goodbye
you move on
you ponder this in the darkness and see you're not alone
your heart is not as broken as you think
zero hour has passed, it won't be as hard tomorrow