Pulsatilla | Chapter 22/23
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R e s p i r e z
The only thing that truly mattered now was that he was alive.
It didn't matter that he was not human and was not made out of genuine flesh and bones like the others. He was here, and that was good enough.
Letting his arm wander aimlessly, Yunho hoped it would somehow reach Jaejoong, who was probably trapped in a deep slumber right beside him. Expecting to find a warm patch of skin, Yunho was baffled to feel only the empty blankets, slightly warmed by the mellow heat of the morning sun.
Surprised but also a bit disappointed, Yunho opened his eyes half-heartedly, frowning in response to the empty sheets beside him. Of course, Jaejoong is probably in the kitchen, making breakfast, or rather, in the living room, dusting everything he can lay his hands on. He had learned his lesson yesterday-there was no reason to worry.
Letting his eyelids drop over his world once again, Yunho began remembering-or at least, trying to remember-the events of the previous day. He envisioned Jaejoong in Seulki’s old wedding dress, looking as beautiful as a flower as he held out his hand to willingly accept his hand in marriage. The sight was as beautiful one, regardless of the fact that the outside world may very well look upon it in contempt. But the love they shared was between the two of them, and the outside world had no right whatsoever to judge them or decide whether or not they were eligible for marriage. Yes, the little ‘marriage ceremony’ they held was completely fictitious and lacked so many crucial elements, but Yunho could guarantee that they had something many other couples often lacked-a desire to love each other despite whether it was right or wrong, or in simpler terms, an actual connection.
Yunho tried to bring himself back to day one with Jaejoong. Just how the hell did he ever come to love such a strange, subhuman, unsuccessful science experiment? And to tie it all together, Jaejoong was a second version of his wife, a person in Yunho’s life who could never be replaced (even though he himself had tried to create something that could). Perhaps he loved Jaejoong because of his flaws. Perhaps he loved him because he wasn’t’ human, and wanted to protect his vulnerable soul from being tainted by the malicious outside world. Perhaps he loved him because he was something new, something that didn't have the exact similarities as his wife, but something new to experience, or in this case, to love.
He sighed into his pillow, not knowing why fate had brought him to such a complicated but alluring destination. He tried imagining a world without Jaejoong, and immediately, the memories of the months he spent by himself after Seulki’s death began to re-enter his mind. The two worlds were different, probably because Seulki and Jaejoong were two completely different people. But the two worlds both were clothed in an everlasting darkness, one which took light thousands of years to penetrate. Jaejoong and Seulki resembled the light-but two completely different shades of light.
Yunho furrowed his dark, kohl eyebrows, wondering why the hell he was reminiscing the past in bed when in fact, he could get up, go into the kitchen, and make fresh, new memories with Jaejoong. The more, the merrier, yes?
Forcing his eyes to open towards the blinding sunshine engulfing the room, Yunho lifted the white linen over his lean body and stepped into a warm, supple pair of slippers. Pulling a gray sweatshirt over his white t-shirt and changing into a pair of dark blue jeans, Yunho suddenly felt worry hit him once more. If Jaejoong was in the kitchen cooking-wouldn’t he have smelt eggs already? Or rather, if Jaejoong was in the living room, completing certain tasks such as organizing or vacuuming, wouldn’t he hear him, or at least feel his presence? And besides, today was Saturday morning-Jaejoong would’ve probably woken him up already to bug him about going shopping or something. But today, where was all that?
It was already 10:30 in the morning. Surely Yunho loved the idea of sleeping in, but never would he sleep past ten without an indication from Jaejoong that he was wasting his day away. Trying to feel at ease, but completely failing, Yunho was struck with a pang of anxiety as not one sound-or one ounce of Jaejoong’s presence could be heard or detected.
Nearly ripping open bedroom door, Yunho walked (maybe walked was an understatement) into the empty living room, hoping to find Jaejoong there, but instead, finding nothing but the two luxurious sofas from Milan, the fifty-inch LCD television, and an empty and rather embarrassing-looking table, looking like it was naked without a meal to garnish its surface. Feeling his heart leap all the way up to his throat, Yunho panicked, not knowing where to head first-the telephone, or out the front door.
Walking into the kitchen that was connected to the main living room, Yunho leaned against the tall counter, trying at first to calm down, but then deciding to brainstorm where Jaejoong had gone off to. He decided to replay the previous day’s occurrences-did Jaejoong inform him that he would be going anywhere this morning, or more importantly, did Jaejoong show any contempt towards him yesterday that would make him want to wake up and leave? Calming down, Yunho considered that perhaps Jaejoong had gone grocery shopping on his own, or rather, gone to take a walk around the neighbourhood without informing him because he didn’t want to wake him from his slumber. Quelling the worries that were springing up one by one inside him, Yunho looked at the front door that Jaejoong might’ve headed out this morning and told himself to wait a few more minutes for his return before going utterly insane with his assumptions and anxieties.
Letting his eyes wander from the front door back to the kitchen counter, Yunho’s heart nearly skipped a beat when he recognized Jaejoong’s shoddy cursive, scribbled down upon a piece of paper, probably torn out of the memo-pad usually abandoned on the kitchen counter. Realizing that perhaps the note held some sort of explanation, Yunho picked it up ardently, hoping to read through it as fast as he possibly could.
Yunho,
I’m sorry, but I’ve decided to leave you… for good, this time. You have cared for and cherished me ever since my first day on earth, and I’m very indebted to you for that. But I constantly feel as if I’m a burden to you.
So I’ve decided to leave you-to not use up every single bit of your money, but to make my own. I do not wish to live under you anymore. I’ve decided finally to live my own life, to set my own goals. To do this, I must leave you.
Please do not be sad. I will be cautious, finding my own life in this dangerous but fascinating world. You’ve nourished me as another would nourish her own child. Now it’s time for me to spread my own wings and fly.
Jaejoong
Yunho regretted his decision of skimming through it as soon as he reached the last word. Thinking that perhaps he had gone mad, Yunho returned to the beginning of the note to reread the entire thing, hoping that indeed his eyes were deceiving him. Letting his pupils receive a glimpse of every stroke made by the dark blue ink on the lined parchment, Yunho was disenchanted to discover that no, he hadn’t misread anything. Every single sentence, every single word-they all conceded with each other to ensure that the note made perfect sense. After reading through it another two times, Yunho was devastated to be faced with the fact that there were no mistakes on the note whatsoever and that Jaejoong had decided to leave him, right amidst the climax of the obscure love they shared.
I must be crazy, Yunho thought to himself, feeling half of his body turn fire hot from anger and the other part freeze up from all the disappointment. He ran a few fingers through his hair, trying to find even the slightest idea in his mind to figure out why this had happened. Didn’t Jaejoong love him? Didn’t Jaejoong need him, out of all people, to protect him from the world? Weren’t the two of them married? If so, why the hell did he decide to depart from everything he held precious to him this morning, leaving no explanation except a note stating that he wanted to “find his own life” and “spread his wings?”
Reading through the note a fourth time was like letting daggers pierce though he pipes in his throat. He tried to control his breathing-or rather, he tried to tell himself to continue breathing-but was proven unsuccessful when not only his breathing failed to cooperate, but his body as well. Perhaps it really was anger, digging a tunnel through him and asking him what on earth he did to make Jaejoong suddenly lose interest in his love and every single thing it brought along. Another part of it was sadness-a sadness that informed him that he had failed, once again, to love a person correctly enough to make them want to stay.
Feeling his body boil violently with his own blood, Yunho abandoned the kitchen counter and wandered off to the copious living room. Hoping that some fresh air would assist him in regaining his sanity, Yunho opened up the large glass window and stared down poignantly at the town from his perch many stories above it, trying to find a nerve within him that was calm enough to cooperate with the more rational, reasonable part of him. He needed to find a reason that explained Jaejoong’s strange behaviour this morning-or rather, for the past few days. Even if it was close to impossible, he needed to give himself an answer.
Was it a lack of trust which tore Jaejoong apart from him? Yunho shook his head in denial, wondering why on earth trust was the first thing that came to mind during his brainstorming. Then he remembered: trust was probably the most important thing in their relationship (or in anyone’s relationship, really). He’d liked to think that between the two of them, there was no room whatsoever for secrets. Although… events such as Yoochun’s ‘blind date’ obviously allowed their trust to falter, making room for thousands of errors to appear. But besides that, Yunho was completely certain that there were no other times when one of them lied to the other. Living together made it quite impossible for secrets to be hidden, and therefore, forced the two of them to appear before each other with their real faces-even if they were hideous at times. Replaying through the few months of their brittle but somewhat inescapable bond, Yunho was completely sure that Jaejoong had not left because he didn’t trust him.
Allowing his arms to retire onto the windowsill, Yunho dug through his mind, trying to find more explanations. Within no time at all, he stumbled upon the idea that perhaps Jaejoong left due to his sickening ego and the selfish persona he just couldn’t get rid of even after all the gruesome events. It was because of his incorrigible arrogance that Jaejoong ran out the doors that day exactly like Seulki did, only to fall into the government’s hands like a raindrop from the heavens. If he left then, why would he not leave now? If his heated words were able to cause him such bitter pain to make him want to abandon everything he had created here, why wouldn’t it cause him to leave now? But no, that wasn’t it. If Jaejoong really hated him for his personality, he would’ve left on the very first day. During the first few days of Jaejoong’s existence in this world, he had treated him like an animal unworthy of affection, kicking him out onto the streets by abandoning him at a crowded nightclub. If he was offended by his cruelty, he would’ve left much, much earlier. Or, in this case, he wouldn’t have bothered to come back at all after meeting that pervert at the nightclub. At that point, having someone who wanted him was all that mattered. Why return to a man who was disgusted by you?
But obviously, Jaejoong was a different person now. He had grown tremendously, and could now make his own decisions wisely. So yes… perhaps it really was his colossal ego and his corrupted mind that made him want to depart once and for all.
Yunho sighed into the chilly autumn air, seeing his hot breath evaporate into the beautiful fall scenery. There was just no way to think properly, not about someone as unexplainable as Jaejoong. His eyes subconsciously wandered to the bed of flowers across the apartment complex, suddenly befuddled to see that petals were plummeting from the stems, and their once healthy complexion was fading-from their once radiant reds and oranges-nearly to shades of gray. Wasn’t it just a few days ago that they were blossoming as beautifully as ever? He asked himself curiously. How come their colour and beauty has all disappeared, almost in a blink of an eye?
In his mind, Jaejoong always resembled a flower. Out of all the people in the world, he was the most beautiful, the most effervescent, but also the most fragile. He tried to remember his smile, his frown, his tears-all of which were beautiful regardless of how he was feeling.
He wondered how he would be able to survive without him. He wondered how he could even pass the next hour not having a single hand to hold or a single voice to listen to until a permanent smile plastered itself onto his lips. He wondered how he was going to get up every morning, knowing that the man he wanted-no, the man he needed-had left him because he wasn’t satisfied, or in this case, for no reason really. He wondered how he was going to press the button on the elevator, how to start the engine of his car, how to go to work, how to sleep, how to eat with so much missing from his life. Just how? How was he going to be able to live without Jaejoong-a person that wasn’t necessarily a person, but a person that made him feel human with every word from his heart and every touch from his fingertips? It was unbelievable. In his mind, Yunho still held plans for the upcoming week and hopes of tasting Jaejoong’s new recipes. It was hard to tell himself that the blissful routine he had been living within was now abolished, replaced by a meaningless emptiness.
At least Jaejoong is still alive, Yunho told himself resolutely. Somewhere out there, Jaejoong is still surviving-breathing.
Nearly a half second after the declaration rang loud and clear throughout his mind, a large gust of wind blew in from frigid outdoors onto his face, disorganizing his hair and sending a chill throughout the living room. As it reached the kitchen counter, it picked up a certain note and sent it flying across the spacious living room. Not satisfied with its location, the persistent wind picked up the parchment once more, allowing it to glide in the refreshing air until it landed safe and sound on the windowsill right before Yunho’s eyes, suddenly flipping over as the wind exited the living room, hoping to arrive at its next destination.
Looking down languidly upon the familiar note, Yunho decided he would pass the time by studying Jaejoong’s messy yet somewhat beautiful handwriting.
Yunho,
I’m sorry, but if you’re reading this, then you must know that everything I wrote on the front of this note is a complete lie.
Not necessarily prepared to read such a sentence, Yunho’s heart began to beat out of its usual rhythm once again. Widening his eyes, Yunho flipped over the parchment, scanning over the two distinctive sides to realize that there was indeed two different messages on the parchment. Feeling a chill run rapidly up his spine, Yunho eagerly turned to the side which he had not yet read, hoping that the second part would provide a better explanation for everything that seemed so blurry at the moment.
Yunho,
I’m sorry, but if you’re reading this, then you must know that everything I wrote on the front of this note is a complete lie. The truth is… I’m dying.
Or… to more exact, expiring. When you were at the government facility caring for me, Changmin found a note in your penthouse office that you’ve clearly overlooked, saying that I would expire today at 12:00 PM.
I’m sorry, but this is how the world works.
I love you,
Jaejoong
This time, Yunho did not bother to waste his time, rereading the note in hopes of finding a clear mistake on the last message Jaejoong would probably carry across to him. Every single word on the back of the parchment-the side he had previously read-was a set-up, one Jaejoong had used to hide the truth. Now that the truth was finally revealed, Yunho understood perfectly what was wrong with Jaejoong and the reasons for his weakness during the past week. The creation he had built, loved, and lived with-he was on the verge of death.
Yunho leaned against the window in sorrow. Why had he not seen it coming? Had he been so negligent to ignore the expiration of something he himself had made? Perhaps he really had not put in as much care in Jaejoong as he expected himself to. Or, perhaps, he was just too in love with him, too concerned about their mutual relationship to realize that Jaejoong was something not of this world, and was therefore something he could not understand. Jaejoong had seemed like such a necessity in his life for him to realize that perhaps one day, he could disappear. Jaejoong had proved that he was unstoppable-almost like gold-ever since day one. He had survived the ordeal of the government tests with ease, still striving to love the man who had dragged him into the entire mess to begin with. Never would Yunho have thought that there was a time limit to Jaejoong’s life. In his mind, he would be the one to die before Jaejoong.
Feeling as if his blood flow had reversed itself, Yunho checked the watch on his wrist, trying to calculate the time Jaejoong had left in this life. The note stated that his expiration would land exactly at noon, and it was now 10:45. Nearly on the verge of murdering himself for sleeping in so carelessly, Yunho looked straight to the front door, knowing fully well that Jaejoong had left early this morning to expire on his own rather than letting his lover see him vanish from a front seat.
Yunho groaned in exhaustion. Just what was it with Jaejoong, always heading out the door, leaving not a single trace of where he was going behind? After all this time of living with him, loving him, hating him, Jaejoong still remained a mystery to him, constantly putting question after question in his fatigued-rather fucked-up-mind. He had close to an hour to find where Jaejoong had gone off to, and in a city as large and as dangerous as Seoul, the task seemed impossible.
Just what do you plan to do when you see him? A sardonic voice in the back of his head asked him. Do you plan to save him? Can you even save him? If you find him, you’ll be doing what Jaejoong doesn’t want you to do the most-seeing him disappear from this world.
Despite the fact that his actions were solely based on instinct and not on one ounce of common sense, Yunho headed out the front door and into the lobby. Yes, he would attempt to find him and perhaps, try to save him, even if the task appeared impossible. No, the task didn’t seem very feasible at all, but what else could he possibly do at the moment? Jaejoong was his lover, a staple in his life. If Jaejoong were to vanish into thin air, his life would vanish exactly the same way-or at least, it would change drastically, becoming a dark, empty world stripped of the sunshine Jaejoong had initially brought him. It would lose its meaning.
Letting his legs run free, Yunho put himself into his usual jogging routine, originally used to cool himself down from the anger Jaejoong caused him on the first day he appeared. The man he had taken for granted since the very first day, the man who he now could not live without-he would’ve cherished him a thousand times more if he knew beforehand that such a catastrophe would occur.
“That bastard lied to me.” He grunted in between breaths as he continued to run. Ever since the first moment he noticed a trace of weakness within Jaejoong’s body, he had been told that it was nothing. That, along with the first page of the note telling him something that was so far from the truth, was truly an indication of Jaejoong’s strange love. Surely such indications were lies-sins-but in another way, they were fragments of Jaejoong’s heart. He had only made up such lies to ensure that he would be happy for the rest of his life, unbothered by his so-called ‘expiration.’
A man who had the guts to lie for love, to put himself in danger and not ask to be saved-Yunho had no intention of losing him just yet.
The petals of the fragile flower was a shade of pale pink-one which looked like it had lost its vibrancy a long time ago. Perhaps it used to be more vibrant once upon a time, he couldn’t tell. But even now, it was still beautiful as ever, adding a touch of innocence to the world around it which was dwindling away from the arrival of fall. He knew the time it had left in the world was transient-for nothing lasts forever.
He had picked the flower near the Han river, realizing that it was the only one amongst many that was still alive. Upon his journey, meandering around the high-tech yet somewhat nature-friendly city, he had been staring at the insignificant flower, admiring its beauty. But now that the fierce wind was blowing through its petals ever so harshly, he knew perfectly well that death was on its way to its every vein. He wondered briefly if that was how Yunho would feel about him-if he knew, of course. Despite that there was not a trace of hope left, he still wondered if he could sustain his life somewhere, somehow, past noon this very day.
It didn’t feel the least bit pleasing, having what seemed like a rock sit in your stomach all morning. The note he had addressed to Yunho, just how effective was it really? Would it leave Yunho pleased? Angered? Confused? But then again, it was a lie, and it would forever remain a lie-something that would act as a barrier between them, no matter where they were.
Well, unless Yunho bothered to read the back of the note, of course…
It’s useless, a loud, caustic voice yelled inside his head. Yunho never bothers to look twice at anything-he has always been so ignorant of you, be it your feelings or your condition.
He cautioned himself not to get too angry and was eventually able to silence such malign thoughts wandering throughout his mind. Perhaps Yunho had the power to make him feel incredibly small during his stay, but what did it matter at this point? Yunho was gone now. No mater which direction he chose to go or which road he chose to take-none of them would have the power to bring him back to Yunho-back home.
He attempted to dig up certain unpleasant memories he shared with Yunho; he considered that this way, his tears would have a thinner chance of appearing on his flawless, porcelain face, and that his heart, a thinner chance of falling apart. His thoughts took him back to the day one and day two: the worst yet best days of his life. Yunho had called him names, abased him like he was not the least bit human. In spite of how harsh he had appeared and how arrogant his decisions were, Jaejoong remembered those two days as the days when he fell in love. When Yunho had rescued him from the man he met at the nightclub like a handsome prince would a damsel in distress, he appeared as a knight in shining armour-as a beacon of hope. Later, he had accompanied him in the bathroom while he bathed, trying to wash off every bit of the unwanted scent on his porcelain skin, Yunho had showed him a different side of himself, a side that appeared more altruistic than it ever did before. Yes-perhaps those were the two days. Of course, there were other times when he felt he could automatically fall out of love with him as well.
He remembered the lies Yunho had hidden behind-the ones that hid away his dissatisfaction towards him. He had found his flaws (there were many), which made him at times wonder why the hell he was still with him. He recalled the frowns, the furrowed eyebrows, and the angry pitch of his voice. Although they did nothing but irritate him, he couldn’t help but miss them. Deep down, he wanted nothing more at the moment than to see Yunho’s furrowed eyebrows, and to feel the petulant tone of his voice vibrating throughout him.
He took a look at the watch that was situated on his slim wrist, and realized there were only twenty minutes left before the clock would strike noon. He tried to take one last glimpse of the world around him, at the unreachable sky, the reddening leaves-but no, it seemed so incomplete. Without Yunho there, the world didn’t seem so familiar anymore. It didn’t at all feel like the place he had lived in for five months.
His mind was spinning as his eyes perused through the street, glancing across the blood-coloured trees, the light traffic, and then at the store signs. Without having to do much searching, he found the one place that was able to reinstall a sense of security within him-Kim Junsu’s Piano Gallery.
Yes, he was to die in a mere twenty minutes, but a part of him still longed to feel his fingers dance upon the shiny, black-and-white keys once more. He had played it inside his head for the last few consecutive months. The short amount of time didn’t matter anymore. If he was going to die, here was the where he desired to be when it happened.
The gentle, high-pitched sound of a small bell rang throughout the store as he opened the door and stepped through the foyer. Within no time at all, the owner of the store-the usually flamboyant Kim Junsu-arose from his perch on his office armchair to give a greeting. Seeing Jaejoong, Junsu nearly jumped out of his own skin. After the local police kidnapped him for questioning, Junsu knew it was risky to linger around this male-one who seemed so innocuous, but one he could not trust completely.
“Jaejoong…!” Junsu tried to approach the curious customer but was held back by his fear. “Long time no see, sir… is there anything you’re looking for in particular?”
Seeing the familiar face, Jaejoong felt a rush of relief run through him. “I’m not looking to buy anything.” He replied timidly. “I just want to play-just, one more time.”
Unable to understand Jaejoong’s vague, equivocal words, Junsu knew he had no choice other than to let him browse the store feely. “Go ahead.” He indicated. “And Jaejoong… I hope you continue to play the piano regardless. It’s not something worth giving up.”
Jaejoong nodded, having nothing else to say as he left to return to his passion-the one that kept him safely situated within the human world. Realizing that it was foolish to waste any more time, Jaejoong stepped into a larger room with large, clear windows capable of sending a flood of mid-morning sunshine into the room. Discovering that he had indeed been here before, he let a smile grace his lips, completely comforted by the familiar surroundings.
Like a lion sets its sight on its prey, Jaejoong was immediately motivated as he caught a glimpse of his desire-the ivory white, just-shipped-in-from-Milano grand piano that sat in the centre. Nearly wearing the appearance of a king, the single grand piano stood out amongst the others, not only for its undeniable beauty, but also for its strength radiating from its snow-white keys.
Feeling right at home, Jaejoong took a seat in front of the heaven-sent instrument, wondering for a second what Yunho would be doing at the moment. He knew that such a moment with the piano was exhilarating, but felt as if the moment was missing something crucial. Such a moment seemed so incomplete-for the last time he had been here, he had had Yunho by his side, listening intently to his song and probably, falling deeply in love with him in the process.
Before Jaejoong initiated his song-probably his last-he was dismayed to see that there was a miniature glass vase placed on top of the white grand piano. There within the clear glass, filled with a generous dose of water, a beautiful flower stood, its orange petals gleaming vibrantly, looking completely invulnerable. He then took a look at the pale, weak, dying flower in his hands, now nearly crushed by the strength of his fingers. And for a brief moment, a part of him wished that somehow, the dying flower could return to its original state once more, matching up to the vivid flower which now stood in the vase.
I’m sorry, but it’s impossible now, he told himself persistently as he set the flower down on the piano before him. Taking one last glance at the outside world, pouring in from the large windows, he set his fingers down on the keys, and began to play.
Yes, Yunho had saved him from nearly every single demon that had come after him-from the nightclub, the government facility-from himself-but no, he couldn’t save him from this. A flower on its deathbed could not be reinserted within the soil and be expected to bloom as beautifully as it once did.
One more chapter left! I will probably update the next chapter in two weeks because it’s a long chapter, and I’ve got to set up the OST, but please be patient! The latest I’ll update is 2 weeks from now.
Please look forward to it and thanks for your support!
-Cindy
Previous Chapters:
R é s u l t a t | A l i é n é | D é s o l é | B a i g n o i r e | M u s i q u e | N o c t u r n e 1 | N o c t u r n e 2 | J a l o u x | P e s a n t e u r 1 | P e s a n t e u r 2 | r ê v e | S o u p ç o n n e u x | M e n s o n g e | F e n ê t r e s 1 | F e n ê t r e s 2 | S c i e n t i f i q u e | G â t e a u a u f r o m a g e | V é r i t é | F r a g i l e 1 | F r a g i l e 2 | V a g u e s d ' o cé a n 1 | V a g u e s d ' o c é a n 2 | C r a i n t e | T a q u i n e z | A n n e a u | é c r i t u r e |