[Song-fic] Where you want to be
Where You Want to Be
Author: love_cassiopeia
Summary: Are you where you wanted to be? Did you get there easily? Did they make you sacrifice? Did you make a sharp left when you should've turned right? [A song-fic of Jaejoong’s feelings towards Yunho amidst the lawsuit with SM Entertainment. Based on the song ‘Where you want to be’ by Darren Hayes.]
Rated: PG-13
Warning(s): Mild smut
Genre: Romance/Angst
Pairing(s): YunJae
Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
The gentle, fleeting, yet somewhat depressing melody of Stand by U sails through my head. I hear our voices, blending perfectly within each others', almost as if none of this had ever happened. Standing on stage as five, seeing our fans' familiar faces-it all reminds me of why I have dedicated my life to singing, to the four other men that I could not possibly try to live without. The feeling is so familiar that I try to lie and tell myself that it's exactly like the old times-that nothing at all has changed. But when I turn left absentmindedly to gaze at you ever so slightly, I am suddenly brought back to the hostile reality.
Something has changed in your eyes. The usual lustre seen within them was gone. Where is it now? Where are you now? It was a habit of mine to turn left and see a man whom I had loved and cherished with every corner of my heart, but now, I only see a mere stranger.
And now I don’t even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love you erased in my life
I suddenly think that I don't enjoy singing as much as I used to-no, it's more like, I don't even know how to sing anymore. The effortless, blithe sensation of singing now turns into a complicated nightmare filled with thousands of places to make mistakes. What do I do to make my vocal chords vibrate? When do I have to breathe? How do I hold the microphone? How long do I have to hold this note? Such questions seemed to be written in a seven-point font jammed together on an ivory-white sheet of paper, acting as an exam that would determine the rest of my life. In the past, I could finish the exam in mere seconds, earning myself a perfect score as I left not one question unanswered. Now, utterly clueless, I leave the paper blank, almost to say that I had been entirely brainwashed by you.
Without you constantly being by my side; without your love to comfort and enliven me, I have no idea how to fill in the empty voids in my heart. Would I search for another happiness? And if I found it, would that happiness be able to mend the scars you inflicted?
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
When Junsu, Yoochun, and I had announced our lawsuit with SM Entertainment, I was sure that you would've joined the three of us. Despite the fact that we were polar opposites-I, being a flirtatious male who lived life without boundaries, and you, a man driven by the needs of others and the rules of society-the two of us still found ways to love each other unconditionally. The two of us connected so much to the point where we completed each other's sentences, laughed at each other's jokes, and condemned each other about our weaknesses. We had truly learned to love each other without any barricades despite the fact that there were many between us. However, now I see that the love we shared was brittle-far too brittle to withstand the storm that this lawsuit had caused.
Even though I know your decision is carved in stone, I ask myself time after time of whether you made the correct decision or not. Does this verdict make you happy? Are you on the right road? I want to ask you such questions because I doubt your decision more than anything else in the world. I tell myself that you want to leave-that you still wish to be with me. But assumptions are only assumptions, and they're only here to solace me for a ridiculously short amount of time, not in the long run.
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?
At the deepest hours of the night when I should be deeply asleep, my mind suddenly drifts to you and wonders whether or not you miss me. It doesn't feel correct, not having you lying beside me. The bed feels so empty, so cold that I want to abandon sleep altogether and throw myself into a fire pit. It's true: I do miss you. But what about you? Do you even care anymore?
Do you miss me, Kim Jaejoong, or do you miss the fiery sensation of being in love? If the latter is true, then would you perhaps have found someone new? Someone new, not to love truly, but someone new to fulfill your burning desires-to hold until your pain is momentarily eased.
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
I can clearly recall the way you looked at me when you sang-the smile that was permanently printed on your face during the times in interviews when I spoke. You had so much faith in me, so much to offer me once upon a time that now, seeing you not say a single word or look at me even once during recent interviews, I completely shatter. What had happened to the love and care I had offered you? Had they all gone to absolute waste?
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind
In my dreams, or rather, just in my subconscious, I try to remember how you loved me at night. In bed, I try to feel you, to tell myself that you were right where you belonged-inside me. I lay so openly that I wish the ghosts and spirits would make love to me, to remind me that you actually did love me once before in the past.
While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
I think about Changmin and you, and then about Junsu and Yoochun-who have counted on me to join them, hoping to take down the company that had inflicted so much harm upon us. Had I only joined the lawsuit to please them, or had it really been my own desire to? Although night after night, I had tried to comprehend the reasons for my actions, I could not put my finger on the exact motives that had compelled me to initiate this. The lawsuit is not my desire, my desire is you and you alone.
You, without a doubt, have pleased me thousands of times while the lawsuit has not pleased me one single bit. So why do I choose the lawsuit over you? Do I even know what I'm doing anymore? Have I completely lost my mind?
Am I where I wanted to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
After condemning you for your actions and wondering whether you made the correct decisions or not, I begin to ask myself the same exact questions. Perhaps you were right from the beginning-to keep with the company because that's where the five of us were capable of existing. Perhaps you had chosen the right road, and I, the wrong. Perhaps my arrogant pride had deceived me, causing me to believe that I was indeed doing the correct thing.
Am I where I wanted to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold
As I return home again, going through the same day filled with the same routines, I head off to bed alone, not knowing if sleep was what I wanted to attain there. Once again, the sheets feel so empty, so frigid to the point that I wished there was some kind of warmth within it. For a moment, I didn't care what form the warmth came in anymore-whether it be in the form of love, or in the form of someone temporary to fulfill my burning desires until my pain was eased.
I'd settle for somebody to hold now
Plagued by loneliness, I head off to Yoochun's room, not knowing what kind of force was driving me to it. I fake a gloomy face, pouting femininely so I can seduce him innocently. Without surprise, he falls to my seduction, bringing me to the disheveled bed he had originally planned to stay in by himself tonight. I try not to think of you as the two of us undress, unlocking each other's souls by using our bodies as the keys. But when I finally feel the stinging sensation of him being inside me, breathing me, my mind inevitably floats to you, trying all in its power to imagine you above me rather than him.
Am I where I wanted to be?
Are you where you wanted to be?
These questions run rampant throughout my mind the entire night that I can barely feel what love is anymore.
Always keep the faith.
-
For the full lyrics, please click here.
This is the first thing that I've written in quite a while. I guess the major reason for my reluctance to continue writing is this lawsuit, so I hope with all my heart that it will work out soon. The prompt for this fic was originally given by me to facesandmasks, so I apologize for taking it myself. When I first heard this song, I knew that it completely represented what YunJae are going through right now, so I couldn't resist it.
Hope you enjoyed it despite the fact that it's a bit angsty(er) than my usual fics.
And Happy New Year everyone! Thanks for the Christmas cards =D
-Cindy
Want more? For a list of chapters and stories, please don’t hesitate to visit my fanfiction archive
Author: love_cassiopeia
Summary: Are you where you wanted to be? Did you get there easily? Did they make you sacrifice? Did you make a sharp left when you should've turned right? [A song-fic of Jaejoong’s feelings towards Yunho amidst the lawsuit with SM Entertainment. Based on the song ‘Where you want to be’ by Darren Hayes.]
Rated: PG-13
Warning(s): Mild smut
Genre: Romance/Angst
Pairing(s): YunJae
Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
The gentle, fleeting, yet somewhat depressing melody of Stand by U sails through my head. I hear our voices, blending perfectly within each others', almost as if none of this had ever happened. Standing on stage as five, seeing our fans' familiar faces-it all reminds me of why I have dedicated my life to singing, to the four other men that I could not possibly try to live without. The feeling is so familiar that I try to lie and tell myself that it's exactly like the old times-that nothing at all has changed. But when I turn left absentmindedly to gaze at you ever so slightly, I am suddenly brought back to the hostile reality.
Something has changed in your eyes. The usual lustre seen within them was gone. Where is it now? Where are you now? It was a habit of mine to turn left and see a man whom I had loved and cherished with every corner of my heart, but now, I only see a mere stranger.
And now I don’t even know
How to fill in the spaces
of the love you erased in my life
I suddenly think that I don't enjoy singing as much as I used to-no, it's more like, I don't even know how to sing anymore. The effortless, blithe sensation of singing now turns into a complicated nightmare filled with thousands of places to make mistakes. What do I do to make my vocal chords vibrate? When do I have to breathe? How do I hold the microphone? How long do I have to hold this note? Such questions seemed to be written in a seven-point font jammed together on an ivory-white sheet of paper, acting as an exam that would determine the rest of my life. In the past, I could finish the exam in mere seconds, earning myself a perfect score as I left not one question unanswered. Now, utterly clueless, I leave the paper blank, almost to say that I had been entirely brainwashed by you.
Without you constantly being by my side; without your love to comfort and enliven me, I have no idea how to fill in the empty voids in my heart. Would I search for another happiness? And if I found it, would that happiness be able to mend the scars you inflicted?
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
When Junsu, Yoochun, and I had announced our lawsuit with SM Entertainment, I was sure that you would've joined the three of us. Despite the fact that we were polar opposites-I, being a flirtatious male who lived life without boundaries, and you, a man driven by the needs of others and the rules of society-the two of us still found ways to love each other unconditionally. The two of us connected so much to the point where we completed each other's sentences, laughed at each other's jokes, and condemned each other about our weaknesses. We had truly learned to love each other without any barricades despite the fact that there were many between us. However, now I see that the love we shared was brittle-far too brittle to withstand the storm that this lawsuit had caused.
Even though I know your decision is carved in stone, I ask myself time after time of whether you made the correct decision or not. Does this verdict make you happy? Are you on the right road? I want to ask you such questions because I doubt your decision more than anything else in the world. I tell myself that you want to leave-that you still wish to be with me. But assumptions are only assumptions, and they're only here to solace me for a ridiculously short amount of time, not in the long run.
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?
At the deepest hours of the night when I should be deeply asleep, my mind suddenly drifts to you and wonders whether or not you miss me. It doesn't feel correct, not having you lying beside me. The bed feels so empty, so cold that I want to abandon sleep altogether and throw myself into a fire pit. It's true: I do miss you. But what about you? Do you even care anymore?
Do you miss me, Kim Jaejoong, or do you miss the fiery sensation of being in love? If the latter is true, then would you perhaps have found someone new? Someone new, not to love truly, but someone new to fulfill your burning desires-to hold until your pain is momentarily eased.
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
I can clearly recall the way you looked at me when you sang-the smile that was permanently printed on your face during the times in interviews when I spoke. You had so much faith in me, so much to offer me once upon a time that now, seeing you not say a single word or look at me even once during recent interviews, I completely shatter. What had happened to the love and care I had offered you? Had they all gone to absolute waste?
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind
In my dreams, or rather, just in my subconscious, I try to remember how you loved me at night. In bed, I try to feel you, to tell myself that you were right where you belonged-inside me. I lay so openly that I wish the ghosts and spirits would make love to me, to remind me that you actually did love me once before in the past.
While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
I think about Changmin and you, and then about Junsu and Yoochun-who have counted on me to join them, hoping to take down the company that had inflicted so much harm upon us. Had I only joined the lawsuit to please them, or had it really been my own desire to? Although night after night, I had tried to comprehend the reasons for my actions, I could not put my finger on the exact motives that had compelled me to initiate this. The lawsuit is not my desire, my desire is you and you alone.
You, without a doubt, have pleased me thousands of times while the lawsuit has not pleased me one single bit. So why do I choose the lawsuit over you? Do I even know what I'm doing anymore? Have I completely lost my mind?
Am I where I wanted to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
After condemning you for your actions and wondering whether you made the correct decisions or not, I begin to ask myself the same exact questions. Perhaps you were right from the beginning-to keep with the company because that's where the five of us were capable of existing. Perhaps you had chosen the right road, and I, the wrong. Perhaps my arrogant pride had deceived me, causing me to believe that I was indeed doing the correct thing.
Am I where I wanted to be?
Can I sell off all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love
Or settle for somebody to hold
As I return home again, going through the same day filled with the same routines, I head off to bed alone, not knowing if sleep was what I wanted to attain there. Once again, the sheets feel so empty, so frigid to the point that I wished there was some kind of warmth within it. For a moment, I didn't care what form the warmth came in anymore-whether it be in the form of love, or in the form of someone temporary to fulfill my burning desires until my pain was eased.
I'd settle for somebody to hold now
Plagued by loneliness, I head off to Yoochun's room, not knowing what kind of force was driving me to it. I fake a gloomy face, pouting femininely so I can seduce him innocently. Without surprise, he falls to my seduction, bringing me to the disheveled bed he had originally planned to stay in by himself tonight. I try not to think of you as the two of us undress, unlocking each other's souls by using our bodies as the keys. But when I finally feel the stinging sensation of him being inside me, breathing me, my mind inevitably floats to you, trying all in its power to imagine you above me rather than him.
Am I where I wanted to be?
Are you where you wanted to be?
These questions run rampant throughout my mind the entire night that I can barely feel what love is anymore.
Always keep the faith.
-
For the full lyrics, please click here.
This is the first thing that I've written in quite a while. I guess the major reason for my reluctance to continue writing is this lawsuit, so I hope with all my heart that it will work out soon. The prompt for this fic was originally given by me to facesandmasks, so I apologize for taking it myself. When I first heard this song, I knew that it completely represented what YunJae are going through right now, so I couldn't resist it.
Hope you enjoyed it despite the fact that it's a bit angsty(er) than my usual fics.
And Happy New Year everyone! Thanks for the Christmas cards =D
-Cindy
Want more? For a list of chapters and stories, please don’t hesitate to visit my fanfiction archive