you must think about the images.
sometimes, i want to be wild. WILD. and answer to nobody. complete, spontaneous wildness. the springtime makes me feel this way, i don't think i could feel this in the winter. the problem is, that, at the same time, to become completely wild wouldn't work with the way i think about things. i know that i am too self absorbed sometimes. like now, like when i declare that i wish i could just be wild and not allow for a moment of permanence in my life. things will happen and then i will forget about them in an instant. i think about light. i wish i could be in more than one place at once. i just cannot handle, i hate, the feeling that my heart is pulling me in two different directions. one of them, completely selfish and directed toward a moment's pleasure, the other, loving.
this guy in my chinese humanities class wrote a really beautiful song dynasty style poem. it made me think about the spontaneity of thought. too many things to do and too many places to be makes you think about yourself too much in terms of being in one place or another. i will age someday and for now i am young. for now my thoughts should carry on to the present and past. for now, the past stretches loosely before the present. i am cotton, and the smell of cotton from my childhood that comes because the springtime is here, now. And for now, the future could only be something for feeling nostalgia. how could i know how much time i have? i am a fool because twenty is younger than it feels. right?
i am loose associating. it feels nice i guess, but is it meaningless? i don't know.
i want to love intensely. sometimes i feel like a jerk when i write because i am not losing myself in others and in the world but i am asserting myself. complete loss of self, though, what does that even mean? to be wild, to love the intensity of the moment, or to live by trying to cause others the least amount of pain and love them as much as possible? principles do not allow you to lose yourself and yet they do, because maybe you lose yourself in living by your principles, living for other people and unity or something. i don't know. gahh. do i sound like a jackass? maybe.
my life is really so small compared to the lives of others. may i please come in? i worry about you and, really, how can i? your cares are bigger than mine but they are not mine for the thinking about.
this guy in my chinese humanities class wrote a really beautiful song dynasty style poem. it made me think about the spontaneity of thought. too many things to do and too many places to be makes you think about yourself too much in terms of being in one place or another. i will age someday and for now i am young. for now my thoughts should carry on to the present and past. for now, the past stretches loosely before the present. i am cotton, and the smell of cotton from my childhood that comes because the springtime is here, now. And for now, the future could only be something for feeling nostalgia. how could i know how much time i have? i am a fool because twenty is younger than it feels. right?
i am loose associating. it feels nice i guess, but is it meaningless? i don't know.
i want to love intensely. sometimes i feel like a jerk when i write because i am not losing myself in others and in the world but i am asserting myself. complete loss of self, though, what does that even mean? to be wild, to love the intensity of the moment, or to live by trying to cause others the least amount of pain and love them as much as possible? principles do not allow you to lose yourself and yet they do, because maybe you lose yourself in living by your principles, living for other people and unity or something. i don't know. gahh. do i sound like a jackass? maybe.
my life is really so small compared to the lives of others. may i please come in? i worry about you and, really, how can i? your cares are bigger than mine but they are not mine for the thinking about.