Chirstmas and Hoola Hoops
So it's Christmas. Hanging out with family and being cheerful. I like it personally. I guess nothing really changes as we get older. The little sister still wants to play, the big brother still worries for the little sister, and the big sister is more of a mom than anything.
My computer died awhile ago. I don't think that has anything to do with my posting less or not at all but I decided it was a good thing to mention. So I've been trying to build another with no success but with lots of fun along the way. Misadventures and new/old friends. I'm pretty glad I met up with him again. AE was just a good catalyst for me this year. Although I suppose it made things a bit more bumpy and perhaps a little too interesting for some.
I'm a bit sad I must say. I don't understand why. Perhaps it has to do with being alone still. I know it's stupid to think I should be married and I do have a while before I have to settle down and much stuff to do before then but it doesn't stop. I get preoccupied and the crying stops but it doesn't change that I don't have a family, I don't know what a father is, and I'm still violent as hell. WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT THAT IN A WIFE? *glee* depressive thoughts. I tried to enter the wolfs world of chaos and death, killing anything that gets in your way and I like it. It feels familiar, common, better than anything that is in this so called society. There is still respect in chaos and there can still be friendship.
I think more than anything I want to go home. I like the training I've been doing and I like the friends I've been keeping and I know that I can't take it with me but I suppose I should do all I can here or all that is worth doing and then move on. It will be awhile and there will be happy memories, lots of them if I can help it, but in the end I need to find a home, away from this zombie infested cement graveyard. There is nothing real here. I can't touch it. I feel like I'm wearing a costume. This skin, this face, it's not me. Why do I think things like this? Why do I feel as if I don't belong? Maybe I don't. Maybe our kind just don't belong in a world like this.
For all my so called sadness, I am a happy person. I love my job and the friends I have, but I get lonely and confused and then my head doesn't work and I go crazy and want to hurt things but I know if I do I will be sad so I try and hurt my head by stopping the thoughts. I could do it you know... become like those people. The ones who think that school, and malls, and work is the end all and be all of life. I could do it but I was one once and I don't particularly like the thought of going back. My brother woke me up and kept me awake and now I have my friends whom I love very deeply. I won't go back. I like being awake.
Well that seems to be about it. In the words of Amber, Merry YulHanaChristmaKwaanzaDan!!!
~*SQUEE*
My computer died awhile ago. I don't think that has anything to do with my posting less or not at all but I decided it was a good thing to mention. So I've been trying to build another with no success but with lots of fun along the way. Misadventures and new/old friends. I'm pretty glad I met up with him again. AE was just a good catalyst for me this year. Although I suppose it made things a bit more bumpy and perhaps a little too interesting for some.
I'm a bit sad I must say. I don't understand why. Perhaps it has to do with being alone still. I know it's stupid to think I should be married and I do have a while before I have to settle down and much stuff to do before then but it doesn't stop. I get preoccupied and the crying stops but it doesn't change that I don't have a family, I don't know what a father is, and I'm still violent as hell. WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT THAT IN A WIFE? *glee* depressive thoughts. I tried to enter the wolfs world of chaos and death, killing anything that gets in your way and I like it. It feels familiar, common, better than anything that is in this so called society. There is still respect in chaos and there can still be friendship.
I think more than anything I want to go home. I like the training I've been doing and I like the friends I've been keeping and I know that I can't take it with me but I suppose I should do all I can here or all that is worth doing and then move on. It will be awhile and there will be happy memories, lots of them if I can help it, but in the end I need to find a home, away from this zombie infested cement graveyard. There is nothing real here. I can't touch it. I feel like I'm wearing a costume. This skin, this face, it's not me. Why do I think things like this? Why do I feel as if I don't belong? Maybe I don't. Maybe our kind just don't belong in a world like this.
For all my so called sadness, I am a happy person. I love my job and the friends I have, but I get lonely and confused and then my head doesn't work and I go crazy and want to hurt things but I know if I do I will be sad so I try and hurt my head by stopping the thoughts. I could do it you know... become like those people. The ones who think that school, and malls, and work is the end all and be all of life. I could do it but I was one once and I don't particularly like the thought of going back. My brother woke me up and kept me awake and now I have my friends whom I love very deeply. I won't go back. I like being awake.
Well that seems to be about it. In the words of Amber, Merry YulHanaChristmaKwaanzaDan!!!
~*SQUEE*