We've grown up
Wow... this is still here. Who would have thought? I don't really know why I'm writing here again. Maybe to feel like who I used to be. You know when you want an entire year to just go away? Now would be that time for me. I don't even want to go back and change it. I just want it not to exist ever. I graduated at the end of grade eleven and would like to think that it's possible to go back in time. Nostalgia gets the better of everyone.
I'd been thinking a lot about the past recently, mainly because of a new and yet old friend. Someone I've seen and looked up to since Grade 10 but never knew too well. Now that I know them better but not entirely I see that I was right in looking up to him. He's taught me a lot and if it makes him a bad person for making me stronger than he's horrible and should die. I'm not with Will because of him. Not that I'm with him, far from it, I'm just better or at least getting there.
I received an e-mail the other day. Something I really needed to hear. I was a bad person in grade 12 or should I say that year that doesn't exist. I died I guess. I don't know. I don't want relationships, I hate them. No man has yet to make me feel like more than an object. They did. I don't like females most of the time but those four were always good to me. Zoe, Caitlin, Sarah, and Heather. There is no redemption or forgiveness. I want to go back but most would say it's foolish to try and maybe it is. I got what I wanted didn't I? To be the one on the outside. I was Remus because he was part of the group but never really felt like he was there. Friends, yes, but not like them. He was a strange thing compared to them. I've always felt strange.
I left and nothing could have brought me back. I had to go through hell to realize that it's hardly worth the return visit. After I left I went and hung out with Will, stopped going out with Eric. I couldn't see myself with Eric longer than High School anyway and I didn't want a High School relationship. I also knew I couldn't be happy with my "High School Sweetheart" so I'm not marrying Will anymore. We got engaged and he cheated on me and I made a few other peoples lives hell. Maybe to try and ease my own pain and it worked for the time. Shawn got burned for trying to take Will from me, Steve got Shawn and that's punishment enough, Phill tried to tame me and got killed for that, Luke continues after me and Will won't let me go and just let me be his friend. It's easier to hurt men.
I look up to you four. Still do and maybe one day we'll come together again. I'm going back to who I was or at least trying. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day. It felt right. The first right thing I've done in a long time. I'm getting better. Maybe I'm not such and abomination. *smiles*
I'd been thinking a lot about the past recently, mainly because of a new and yet old friend. Someone I've seen and looked up to since Grade 10 but never knew too well. Now that I know them better but not entirely I see that I was right in looking up to him. He's taught me a lot and if it makes him a bad person for making me stronger than he's horrible and should die. I'm not with Will because of him. Not that I'm with him, far from it, I'm just better or at least getting there.
I received an e-mail the other day. Something I really needed to hear. I was a bad person in grade 12 or should I say that year that doesn't exist. I died I guess. I don't know. I don't want relationships, I hate them. No man has yet to make me feel like more than an object. They did. I don't like females most of the time but those four were always good to me. Zoe, Caitlin, Sarah, and Heather. There is no redemption or forgiveness. I want to go back but most would say it's foolish to try and maybe it is. I got what I wanted didn't I? To be the one on the outside. I was Remus because he was part of the group but never really felt like he was there. Friends, yes, but not like them. He was a strange thing compared to them. I've always felt strange.
I left and nothing could have brought me back. I had to go through hell to realize that it's hardly worth the return visit. After I left I went and hung out with Will, stopped going out with Eric. I couldn't see myself with Eric longer than High School anyway and I didn't want a High School relationship. I also knew I couldn't be happy with my "High School Sweetheart" so I'm not marrying Will anymore. We got engaged and he cheated on me and I made a few other peoples lives hell. Maybe to try and ease my own pain and it worked for the time. Shawn got burned for trying to take Will from me, Steve got Shawn and that's punishment enough, Phill tried to tame me and got killed for that, Luke continues after me and Will won't let me go and just let me be his friend. It's easier to hurt men.
I look up to you four. Still do and maybe one day we'll come together again. I'm going back to who I was or at least trying. I prayed for the first time in a long time the other day. It felt right. The first right thing I've done in a long time. I'm getting better. Maybe I'm not such and abomination. *smiles*