"Tired of screwing up, tired of going down, tired of myself, tired of this town"
Bleh. Spent most of today trying not to cry, for all kinds of reasons. I'm still kinda rebounding from the sudden lack of Cabaret...I feel like it kinda left a vacuum and I'm scrambling to fill it with something else, but I don't know what. It took so much out of me, and for as much as I loved being a part of it...I feel like I will never really get everything back. What an incredible ride it was...so much chaos and emotion constantly battling from all sides...but as Amanda said, all the petty melodrama, none of it really seems important now.
And then, something about today, some very old insecurities surfaced and I got landed right back into how shitty I felt around Romeo and Juliet. It was like nothing had changed, and old conversations came flooding back and I still stand condemned for mistakes I thought I had put behind me. Still the prodigal friend, still the sad little girl who doesn' t understand, who hurts people, just trying to grasp for a hold on something, still the girl who did everything possible wrong, still unforgiven. And I don't understand why I brought it all back, why I can't get over it, why it all still hurts this much, why I'm so scared to look anyone in the eyes. I hate that I always seem to be apologizing for myself, and I want to be angry about it, but I know I can't, because I really do owe so many people so many apologies. That's what hurts the most - I hate the kind of person I am, that no one can depend on me to be there for them when it really matters, and I have no one to blame but myself. How did I get here?
And then I read Amanda and Charlotte's livejournals and lose it again. I'm gonna miss you so much. For all of the people I am leaving behind - Amanda, Charlotte, Owen, James, Chris, and so many more, you give me so much hope, because I know you have the love and passion to keep and create beauty and to keep the love alive in the department that has been sacred to so many of us for so long. Please love and take care of each other (and Adkins), I'll be checking in on you. To Amanda especially: I'll never be able to tell you how much you mean to me. You have a heart of gold, and you shine in everything you do. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. You are truly one of the most exceptional, loving and intelligent people have ever known.
Well anyway, there's my schpiel for today...way too much emotion for a fairly non-eventful day. Maybe I just need some good sleep.
Once a cowgirl, always a cowgirl...
And then, something about today, some very old insecurities surfaced and I got landed right back into how shitty I felt around Romeo and Juliet. It was like nothing had changed, and old conversations came flooding back and I still stand condemned for mistakes I thought I had put behind me. Still the prodigal friend, still the sad little girl who doesn' t understand, who hurts people, just trying to grasp for a hold on something, still the girl who did everything possible wrong, still unforgiven. And I don't understand why I brought it all back, why I can't get over it, why it all still hurts this much, why I'm so scared to look anyone in the eyes. I hate that I always seem to be apologizing for myself, and I want to be angry about it, but I know I can't, because I really do owe so many people so many apologies. That's what hurts the most - I hate the kind of person I am, that no one can depend on me to be there for them when it really matters, and I have no one to blame but myself. How did I get here?
And then I read Amanda and Charlotte's livejournals and lose it again. I'm gonna miss you so much. For all of the people I am leaving behind - Amanda, Charlotte, Owen, James, Chris, and so many more, you give me so much hope, because I know you have the love and passion to keep and create beauty and to keep the love alive in the department that has been sacred to so many of us for so long. Please love and take care of each other (and Adkins), I'll be checking in on you. To Amanda especially: I'll never be able to tell you how much you mean to me. You have a heart of gold, and you shine in everything you do. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. You are truly one of the most exceptional, loving and intelligent people have ever known.
Well anyway, there's my schpiel for today...way too much emotion for a fairly non-eventful day. Maybe I just need some good sleep.
Once a cowgirl, always a cowgirl...