(no subject)
It hitting me again. The uncertainty, the fear of continuing on in life. The feeling of complete consumption by my studies. The lack of faith, or remembering it.
I have so many questions that I would really appreciate having answered. But I know I can't. Honestly, I've been on the verge of tears for days now. But I don't have time to take a minute and break down... if I did, I think I'd be feeling better by now.
I should be more sure of myself by this point, shouldn't I? I mean, I'm 20 years old, in good health, I have a wonderful family, a few good friends, a boyfriend who cares... from miles and miles away... and with that, I think I may have discovered the greatest source of my "problems"
I doubted myself in the beginning. "Can you really handle being a military girlfriend?"... I knew I was a little bit of an attention craver, but its not because I want to hear sweet nothings, or empty (ice cream cone) comments... I guess its just a reassurance thing. Should I keep devoting my thoughts and feelings solely to one person, when I don't even know if that is what that person is doing respectively? I've been lied to from a distance before... for such a long time. Distance blocked my ability to see the truth... and God knows I don't want to be lied to again. I don't want to find out down the road that I wasted my time.
I feel even more terrible even thinking these thoughts. How could I sit here and sound so selfish? I need a vacation... not even want, neeeeed. Maybe it will make me feel better... just some me-time to collect my thoughts, and reflect on myself... until then..
...shawny comes home for r&r soon :)
I have so many questions that I would really appreciate having answered. But I know I can't. Honestly, I've been on the verge of tears for days now. But I don't have time to take a minute and break down... if I did, I think I'd be feeling better by now.
I should be more sure of myself by this point, shouldn't I? I mean, I'm 20 years old, in good health, I have a wonderful family, a few good friends, a boyfriend who cares... from miles and miles away... and with that, I think I may have discovered the greatest source of my "problems"
I doubted myself in the beginning. "Can you really handle being a military girlfriend?"... I knew I was a little bit of an attention craver, but its not because I want to hear sweet nothings, or empty (ice cream cone) comments... I guess its just a reassurance thing. Should I keep devoting my thoughts and feelings solely to one person, when I don't even know if that is what that person is doing respectively? I've been lied to from a distance before... for such a long time. Distance blocked my ability to see the truth... and God knows I don't want to be lied to again. I don't want to find out down the road that I wasted my time.
I feel even more terrible even thinking these thoughts. How could I sit here and sound so selfish? I need a vacation... not even want, neeeeed. Maybe it will make me feel better... just some me-time to collect my thoughts, and reflect on myself... until then..
...shawny comes home for r&r soon :)