It seems like I only write in this when I reached the end of my rope...

[louzerlou]

I am so sad. In my heart I know it's over, but I can't bare to say it. I really can't. I don't know what went so wrong to begin with. I feel the same way for him as I did 2.5 years ago! And seeing that he could possibly be happier with out me... it tears me apart. I just really wish that he would tell me if he had feelings for someone else... b/c the not knowing is what kills me. Like with out me knowing just makes me try to hold on and think there is hope. Meanwhile, when I am turning down offers for dates and such b/c I am in love with someone, he is out doing what he wants, and I don't know what it is that he wants! But I can't do that. I don't want to do that. I hurt him, and I want him to know that I am sorry... I want him to know that I would take it all back if I could, but I can't... I want him to know that he is the only one for me... I want him to know that I would do anything... I want him to know that I am trying to be that better person I once was... I want him to know that without him I am nothing... IT'S BEEN 5 MONTHS! WHY DO I STILL CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP?!?! This is getting ridiculous. I wish there was a way to tell if I really am just wasting my time and just adding more cracks to my already shattered heart? How can I tell if it's over for ever or it really is just temporary? Man, I wish I could be a guy for a day... I want to see if they feel these things? Does it hurt them at all? I mean, yeah, I know they get heartbroken at times... But how do they act like they are fine? Why does there pain NEVER show, when my pain can rarely be hidden! I don't know what to do. At first I thought that I should just drink away my pain... But then I realized it hurts more... So now I am trying to deal with this the right way... But it just is soooo hard. I just really wish I had my sisters right now. It's not fair that they had each other to help them through stuff! But when I need it they are sooo far away and I can't just get a hug from them. That's all I want, a hug from my sisters and for them to tell me I will be ok... that Jenny's situation was worse... together for 4 years, engaged and then cheated on! But now look how happy she is. I can tell myself this all day long... But I need it from them... my sisters! Man, this is prolly what makes me feel homesick... it's not even homesick for PC really... it's more of a homesick for Chicago... Homesick for up north when I was younger, all my siblings were close to me, I had my entire family within an hour away! Parties once a month to see everyone... It's just not the same. I mean, we were all so close before... now half my siblings arent even going to be at my sisters wedding in July when we never missed a birthday party! Whatever... I am just looking for things to complain and cry about now it seems. (Which by the way i ruined my brand new work pants today! so i have no pants for work tomorrow and no money to buy any)

I could really use some tlc right now.

PS I am trying to be thankful for what I got tho. My friends who still love me, my family, my sisters health, my parents helping me with everything... I ereally am lucky... but all i want is for my heart to be mended...:'(