In the bell jar
I've never read that Sylvia Plath book The Bell Jar. But I know it's at least somewhat about being depressed and unhappy. I feel like someone should say to me like Ethan Hawke does to Winona Ryder in Reality Bites: "Man, you are in the bell jar" because she doesn't have a job and spends all her money on telephone psychics and chain smokes like a mofo. I have a job, I don't call Miss Cleo and I don't smoke but I feel like I'm in a bell jar.
What amazes me the most is that I was fine yesterday. I had finally taken a stand to put my happiness first and I was excited about it. I was excited about all the opportunities I still have in front of me. But I let my weakness get to me again..and it's like everytime I do, I feel worse about myself. I feel like an inept loser who can't control her emotions. I don't like that I let someone else make me feel this bad about myself...and now I'm whinning to my livejournal....yup, I'm a winner.
On a more contemplative note...I'm really started to feel like I don't know what love is. That sounds so cliche when I really think about it. But honestly, I don't think it's what I thought it was. I thought if you loved someone, you couldn't help but tell them. That you wanted their happiness above your own. If I love someone, I can't be selfish and put myself first. There's that saying "we only hurt the ones we love" because they're the only ones we can hurt because there's so much emotion in between you. But could it really just be that you don't actually love each other, because if you really did how could you treat someone so badly?
I forced myself to come to work today, even if it was an hour and a half late, because I need the money. I'm getting a haircut sometime this week, I'm excited about that. I can't decide how short I should get it. I feel like I need to let my emotions mellow out a little or I'm going to end up with a mullet or something worse again. And I'm going to talk to the Verizon people about getting a new phone soon.
I need to call my mom. I feel like such a little kid, but sometimes really the only person who can make you feel better is your mom.