I have had enough.
I have been in a serious funk since I got the results of my last CAT scan and I still have not gotten a call from the doctor’s office about the comparison of the two films. Not that it would probably do much good at this moment but still… I am not eating. I am not sleeping. I am not working full days. I cannot concentrate. I DO spend most of my time not talking to anyone and when I do talk it is only to yell at the cats. When I am not doing either one of those, I spend the rest of my time crying.
And I cannot talk to anyone because no one wants to hear it. As I was told - “All of us have issues. They might not be as bad as what you are going through but they are issues.” Even worse - the people I should be able to talk to things about either turn the conversation around to their issues because they cannot deal with anything I want to say or they contradict everything I do say. So what happens?
I end up - as usual - consoling the people around me about their problems while no one consoles me about mine. Just so fucking typical.
And I stop telling everyone how I feel because I am sick of them contradicting me. When I say I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am or that I am sick of this and just want it to stop … I MEAN IT!!! Stop contradicting me and telling me how I should feel! I know how I feel! Accept it or stop calling me!
I’m dying and no one wants to hear about it. As usual I am all alone in this and there is no one I can speak to about it. People around me are trying to “compartmentalize” their feelings or change mine. What the hell ever happened to just letting me feel what I am feeling and supporting me in it? What the hell ever happened to just listening to another person … like I have always done for you?
I don’t get “a turn” in this life for any of that.
Hell … I’m dying and I still don’t get to have my turn.
I have to support everyone else. And - frankly - I am sick to death of it. I want someone to support me for a change. I want to be consoled and coddled and understood instead of having to always do it for someone else.
I begin to feel like the ghost in the mystery story I read - God is seriously screwing up this whole dying thing and it is taking too damn long -- maybe He needs some help..
And I cannot talk to anyone because no one wants to hear it. As I was told - “All of us have issues. They might not be as bad as what you are going through but they are issues.” Even worse - the people I should be able to talk to things about either turn the conversation around to their issues because they cannot deal with anything I want to say or they contradict everything I do say. So what happens?
I end up - as usual - consoling the people around me about their problems while no one consoles me about mine. Just so fucking typical.
And I stop telling everyone how I feel because I am sick of them contradicting me. When I say I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am or that I am sick of this and just want it to stop … I MEAN IT!!! Stop contradicting me and telling me how I should feel! I know how I feel! Accept it or stop calling me!
I’m dying and no one wants to hear about it. As usual I am all alone in this and there is no one I can speak to about it. People around me are trying to “compartmentalize” their feelings or change mine. What the hell ever happened to just letting me feel what I am feeling and supporting me in it? What the hell ever happened to just listening to another person … like I have always done for you?
I don’t get “a turn” in this life for any of that.
Hell … I’m dying and I still don’t get to have my turn.
I have to support everyone else. And - frankly - I am sick to death of it. I want someone to support me for a change. I want to be consoled and coddled and understood instead of having to always do it for someone else.
I begin to feel like the ghost in the mystery story I read - God is seriously screwing up this whole dying thing and it is taking too damn long -- maybe He needs some help..