Random notes
During painful right breast clog, Monday evening 1/22/24
Chat with Ness:
[on feeling good and special when pregnant] it's like a drug or something so we want to keep having babies? i felt almost magical or special or something. now i feel totally useless and i jsut awant to be pregnat again 😭 Tho im sure the pain and stuff that followed birth has ony made that stark difference worse.
did you feel the way i describe feeling when u were pregnant? special and important somehow? not all the time maybe but.. there was beauty in the world and you hd a magic little secret you were creating. liek a light. a star in a navy sky
"Yes totally!!!"
"Oh so much"
but now she's here and my star is gone. i thought it would transfer and we would be so good.
and i think i was that first week.
I can see in videos i look in love w/her. tho i didnt feel how i thought i woudl . like the 'she is mine' wasnt there but
Looking at book I might buy on brainwashing, this rings true 1/23/24
1.30.24
i knwo this hasnt eben easy on theron. the last three weeks before this w/e i was increasingly psycho from unending stress from the clogged ducts that meant entire breast and torso pain- i really was losing it. and i was telling him diff ways to help and he was doing that.
So far so good on that front but now im back to having to deal with the fact my vagina etc arent healing and just how exhausted i am from it all. the depression and frustration. but today he was cheerful to me. took em to Landa and brackenridge and whole foods. he opened the amazon packages i bought and cheerfully told me the stuff in them (a new sleep mask bc my old one is hurting my ear. some books i kept thinking about buying) "aw nothin' for puppy" he lists all the options for dinner food bc im not sure what's even safe to eat :P
I think it's bc I took Tacitus from 11 to 2 AM and put her to sleep well - she didnt even wake up till he woke her up at 6 this morning> I was lying there next to them for an hour waiting for it.
So maybe he appreciated teh long night of sleep?
And he loves me. it's so hard for me to comprehend someone loving you in the bad times. I know it's what you say when you get married, but it's just so weird to be going thru it - esp at a time that would otherwise be so cool and interesting. (i really knwo id beenjoying this - even the crazy lack of sleep stuff - if it wasnt for my body being jacked up)
A lady with two little sons at Landa was nice. little boys especially (in particular little blonde boys for some reason!) love to look at Tacitus, they just seem really intrigued by her - like they think it's their duty to find out who she is, how she is, if she's going to play or needs help (i am inferring a lot but Ive noticed it twice now)
At any rate - I took taz over to the mom bc she had a lil kid and a 1 yr old and Tacitus was kidn of cooing when she saw them like she was maybe trying to talk? (idk - i wonder if she would talk to a baby her age?) so I walked over there and the mom asked how old, i said 2 motnhs, she said 'o i t gets so much easier. my husband and i will be like 'wow that first four months!" and then we had anotehr one - bc for some reason you can say 'wow that first four months!" but then you cant really think what was that bad about the first four months??
She was very thin, looked ilke a runner type body. not all that young tho. I keep wanting to just be me again - Would I be trying to make friends? I used to. I had a gym picked out for post-baby in Alamo Heights. I had places i wanted to walk to and be with her. I had ideas of theron and i running over to try a snack and a glass of wine at random spots. Thrift stores and coffee shops and all kinds of stuff
I want to belong, too. I want to have friend cards liek I made back in Wisconsin, hand them out, and have ppl actually want to get together.
Get my hair done finally and know it's right for me and that Tacitus has a pretty, cool mom with Pretty hair she can look at (she really liked looking up at the blue sky beyond tree branches today).
When Iw as first pregnant - before I knew of course - I DL'd a book on the ipad and took it to this grassy park area along the canal in Frederick and sat there and read. I feel like she made me do that bc I never did anything like that before.
The reality is tho even if i could take her to a park (I just bought 2 new books) - she doesnt really like to just sit. I *did* read her a Grimm story finally. She lost interest after the first two paragraphs tho so I finisehd it while theron was playing with her the other night ;p
At Landa - Tacitus was staring up at the blue sky through big brown tree limbs, and this little blond boy was staring at her walking toward us like a magnet
He was the boy of the Mom I talked to later. He asked her about Tacitus "is she gonna be here and stay and play?"
The lady said "she's too young to play but she's enjoying the nice weather in the park"
Later we were walking by them again and they were heading out, the little boy was waving bye at me and walked right up and put his hand on my thigh then kept walking.
It was really interesting to me.
I felt happy he felt safe to touch me and in his world, and wanted to interact with it
That park at times, but only in slivers, and our grocery stores similarly, give a glimpse into what community could and should be, and probably what leaving the house used to be before.
You would interact with ppl, they'd say something encouraging to you if they could, you feel welcome and safe, and that would be the world and your interaction with it.
-------------
Id already seen this months ago but - ness sent it to me in so -
The park had nothing to do with Indians or the Spanish.
It was just land, and eventually was land owned by a German. Nothin to do with freaking dinosaurs either but we did have bison roaming it till the 40s!
Please note in blue the groups they mention and in yellow the ones they leave out.
No mention a German got another German to donate his land to make the park, or that it was the first.
No mention of it being white ppl who had the quarries when is the first real thing they talk about with any relation to the park.
They say German architecture but no mention of German ppl.
And the cement country was just workers. No mention of who they were.