Black Books ...
*feels like a glass of wine and a cigarette*
Bernard: [To angry, violent skinheads threatening Manny] Which one of you bitches wants to dance?
[The skinheads drop Manny, turn around and face Bernard menacingly]
Bernard: Hey, you know when you're doing that threesome thing that you do of a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and that, does that not get a bit confusing? Right... This is you, right?
[Bernard does an insane, effeminate dance]
Bernard: Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la!
[Stops dancing, points at a skinhead's football scarf]
Bernard: Millwall! That's the one. Have you heard this chant, then? "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are all unfulfilled and alienated..."
[The skinheads, in unison, punch Bernard in the face]
Add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon you'll soak yourself calm.
If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
When you rest, you are a king, surveying your estate. Look at the woodland. The peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.
Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.
Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Is there any more?
Bernard: [To Manny] You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.
Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Nodding, smiling] Yep...
Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Still nodding] Yep...
Bernard: ... this is fantastic. I'm in heaven.
Bernard: [To angry, violent skinheads threatening Manny] Which one of you bitches wants to dance?
[The skinheads drop Manny, turn around and face Bernard menacingly]
Bernard: Hey, you know when you're doing that threesome thing that you do of a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and that, does that not get a bit confusing? Right... This is you, right?
[Bernard does an insane, effeminate dance]
Bernard: Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la!
[Stops dancing, points at a skinhead's football scarf]
Bernard: Millwall! That's the one. Have you heard this chant, then? "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are all unfulfilled and alienated..."
[The skinheads, in unison, punch Bernard in the face]
Add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon you'll soak yourself calm.
If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
When you rest, you are a king, surveying your estate. Look at the woodland. The peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.
Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.
Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Is there any more?
Bernard: [To Manny] You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.
Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Nodding, smiling] Yep...
Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Still nodding] Yep...
Bernard: ... this is fantastic. I'm in heaven.