Angry
There are just some days that make me so much angrier than others.
I could blame it on various things but to be honest none of those really matter - even considering my original outrage at something annoying. Work can suck and I can vent about it because it's something everyone can do. But at the end of the day I don't care enough about that to let it really bother me. I can always quit after all.
Truthfully, it's always the same damn thing that makes me angry.
And though it is constantly there every day simmering in the background - along with a whole other set of mixed emotions. Some days it comes screaming to the forefront. Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. Just something I read/remember/see brings it out and before I know it I really want to scream, throw, and punch things. I have to practically restrain myself from throwing my monitor across the room. Something heaving through my TV (oh I would be sad about that later), smashing every I own that can be gloriously smashed.
I even took it out this past winter on a 2 foot in diameter 5 foot tall icicle that had frozen from the roof of a friends porch down to the railing. I went at it with a hammer. And though pieces of ice would chip off at first - it was so solid that the hammer barely made a dent. My arms and shoulders were starting to hurt and another friend who wisely hid inside the house bet that I couldn't break it.
It finally did break under my violent beating all the while screaming at it nonsensically. The first piece falling a story down into the snow beneath with a solid thunk that would have killed someone if it landed on them. The rest of it actually sounded like a body hitting the ground.
It felt good.
For a little while.
And then I drank.
I do that now.
So far I haven't reached the point where I'm home alone drinking. But who knows, that may change someday too.
Because for someone who only used to drink on special occasions once a year I now do have a stock of alcohol in my fridge and freezer.
In fact I can't wait for this day to be over - because I've decided I want to get tipsy tonight.
I could blame it on various things but to be honest none of those really matter - even considering my original outrage at something annoying. Work can suck and I can vent about it because it's something everyone can do. But at the end of the day I don't care enough about that to let it really bother me. I can always quit after all.
Truthfully, it's always the same damn thing that makes me angry.
And though it is constantly there every day simmering in the background - along with a whole other set of mixed emotions. Some days it comes screaming to the forefront. Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. Just something I read/remember/see brings it out and before I know it I really want to scream, throw, and punch things. I have to practically restrain myself from throwing my monitor across the room. Something heaving through my TV (oh I would be sad about that later), smashing every I own that can be gloriously smashed.
I even took it out this past winter on a 2 foot in diameter 5 foot tall icicle that had frozen from the roof of a friends porch down to the railing. I went at it with a hammer. And though pieces of ice would chip off at first - it was so solid that the hammer barely made a dent. My arms and shoulders were starting to hurt and another friend who wisely hid inside the house bet that I couldn't break it.
It finally did break under my violent beating all the while screaming at it nonsensically. The first piece falling a story down into the snow beneath with a solid thunk that would have killed someone if it landed on them. The rest of it actually sounded like a body hitting the ground.
It felt good.
For a little while.
And then I drank.
I do that now.
So far I haven't reached the point where I'm home alone drinking. But who knows, that may change someday too.
Because for someone who only used to drink on special occasions once a year I now do have a stock of alcohol in my fridge and freezer.
In fact I can't wait for this day to be over - because I've decided I want to get tipsy tonight.