of scars
like stirring a cookpot, all kinds of emotions are brought to the surface. amazing. in one word "hi" everything goes all wiggy. incredible.
i know what you need. i even think i am capable of giving it. in the future, obviously. i just don't know if i want to live that way.
Still, it's good to know. it is SO good to know (considering how scary the circumstance is) that it may have not all been me. that maybe, the problem wasn't me being undesireable. but does that knowledge fix everything? I don't know. no. yes. maybe. i really don't know. these wounds wont heal easy, and i'm sure those wont either. though really, after all this time i would like to consolidate this debt. at the very least i want that guilt to go away. i want to stop paying. Maybe if i stop paying and start living again, things could be good.
I need to stop living in a world so surreal. I need to start enjoying the life set before me. but those old wounds come with weight. those old questions need answering.
"are sins...ever forgiven?"
"I don't know. I've never tried."
Why does it sound so easy in your voice? Does it take great effort to muster that ease, or does it really feel that easy? Or do you not care, are you not devastated like i am still? I would rather be real. Always honest. Always true to my heart. No matter the consequence. I can only be real and true to myself.
so many things i still want to say. but it doesn't matter now. it can't matter now. no backwards steps. if walking forward brings me to revisit some old places, that is fine, but i will not take any more steps back. this is my goal.
of course i am only writing this to you. there is only you.
i know what you need. i even think i am capable of giving it. in the future, obviously. i just don't know if i want to live that way.
Still, it's good to know. it is SO good to know (considering how scary the circumstance is) that it may have not all been me. that maybe, the problem wasn't me being undesireable. but does that knowledge fix everything? I don't know. no. yes. maybe. i really don't know. these wounds wont heal easy, and i'm sure those wont either. though really, after all this time i would like to consolidate this debt. at the very least i want that guilt to go away. i want to stop paying. Maybe if i stop paying and start living again, things could be good.
I need to stop living in a world so surreal. I need to start enjoying the life set before me. but those old wounds come with weight. those old questions need answering.
"are sins...ever forgiven?"
"I don't know. I've never tried."
Why does it sound so easy in your voice? Does it take great effort to muster that ease, or does it really feel that easy? Or do you not care, are you not devastated like i am still? I would rather be real. Always honest. Always true to my heart. No matter the consequence. I can only be real and true to myself.
so many things i still want to say. but it doesn't matter now. it can't matter now. no backwards steps. if walking forward brings me to revisit some old places, that is fine, but i will not take any more steps back. this is my goal.
of course i am only writing this to you. there is only you.