Absolution
“Madam President?” Tory stepped inside the office curtains.
“I’m almost done.” Laura glanced up and realized her aide wasn’t there to remind her of the time. “What’s wrong?”
“Um, Captain Thrace is on her way to see you.” Tory shifted her weight nervously. “I told her it wasn’t a good time…”
“That’s fine.” Laura glanced at the stack of paperwork and managed to stifle a sigh. “I was about to wrap up for the night anyway. Send her in when she arrives.”
“Very well.” Tory hesitated. “Should I have your…”
“Tory, I don’t think Kara Thrace is going to announce she’s coming here and then attack me.” Laura smiled. “However, can you arrange for some tea to be sent in?”
“Yes ma’am.” With a nod, Tory turned on her heel as Laura returned to her work. A few minutes later, she returned with a tray. “The Captain’s ship is docking now.”
“Thank you.” Laura glanced up. “I’ll see you in the morning then. Eight am transport, right?”
“Yes ma’am.” Tory set the tray down and left again.
Sometime later Laura glanced up and blinked. “Captain?”
”I didn’t want to interrupt you.” Kara Thrace was seated in one of the chairs just inside the curtain, watching her. “I mean, I didn’t really give you notice I was coming over…so I didn’t want to interrupt.”
”Kara, it’s all right.” Closing the folder she was working on, Laura stood and moved around the desk, eyeing the younger woman. “Really.” She ran her eyes along Kara’s figure, realizing that she was in full uniform, and the long blonde hair that Laura had just gotten used to was gone.
“I just…I mean, when we were on New Caprica…” Kara’s voice trailed off, her eyes darting around the empty room nervously.
“Come on.” Laura picked up the tray and nodded her head. “Back here.”
“I don’t want to intrude…” Kara began, only to have Laura cut her off again.
”Don’t make me make it an order, Captain.” She nodded. “Come along.” Turning on her heel, she stepped through the curtains. “Make yourself comfortable.”
“Yes ma’am.” Gingerly, Kara opened her jacket and draped it on the back of a chair as Laura kicked off her shoes and began to pour two cups of tea.
“Now.” Laura handed Kara one of the cups and pointed to a chair next to a viewport. “Just sit. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.”
“I know.” Kara stared out at the stars. “Um. How are you feeling?”
“Me?” At the question, Laura’s left eyebrow raised. “Fine.” She took a breath and sighed out, this was Kara after all, and subtle direction didn’t work on her. “Usually.”
Kara’s eyes cut to meet hers. “Usually?”
“Nightmares.” Laura admitted with a shake of her head. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” Kara took a sip of the tea and winced. “Usually.”
“Not a tea person?” Laura laughed softly. “Well then…” Standing, she crossed to a cabinet and opened it, glancing over her shoulder. “You tell anyone that I have a stash, I’ll…”
“I get the idea.” Kara watched her as she pulled out a bottle of green liquid and two glasses. “You have Ambrosia?”
“Hmm. It was a gift.” Laura return to her chair and poured two glasses. Handing one to Kara, she pulled her reading glasses off and set them to the side. “Now Kara. What’s wrong?”
Kara took a drink and stared out the viewport for a few minutes before speaking. “He…He, the Old Man…” She fell silent again, this time her hand shaking as she lifted the glass to her mouth, draining the contents.
“One word at a time, Kara.” Laura leaned forward. “Come on. It’s all right.” Her eyes widened as the younger woman’s shoulders began shaking. “Oh gods…come here, Kara…” Putting her glass aside, she automatically reached out and pulled Kara into her arms as she began sobbing. “Shh, it’s all right, Kara…I’ve got you.” Sinking onto the floor, she began to slowly rock back and forth as Kara broke down in her arms. “Shh…it’s all right…I’m not going anywhere.”
“I let him down.” Kara choked out. “He said I had been like…but I’m not…I couldn’t…Casey was mine but she wasn’t, and Sam doesn’t understand…and he doesn’t want me….” As she incoherently babbled into Laura’s hair, Laura simply held her, crooning soothingly and rocking her back and forth until she settled into soft hiccupping sobs.
“Okay…” Laura gently stroked Kara’s hair back from her face. “Better?” Kara nodded, but remained where she was, curled on the floor in Laura’s arms as Laura rested against her chair. “Now. First of all, the Admiral may have been disappointed in you, but he would never stop loving you. You know that.”
“But what I’ve done…nothing…mattered.” Kara choked out.
“He will always love you as the daughter he never had.” Laura soothed, her hands stroking Kara’s hair, one hand sliding down to cup Kara’s chin and raise it so she could meet her eyes. “Trust me. All right?” Kara nodded slowly. “He may have been disappointed in you, he may have been mad as hell at you, but he will never stop loving you, all right?”
“Kay.” Kara sniffed, ducking her head back down.
“And Sam…” Laura’s voice trailed off, remembering his frantic searching for Kara on New Caprica, and his face the few times she’d seen him since. “Gods, Kara. He loves you, but only you can decide how much you love him. You can give him what you think he needs…but if your heart isn’t in it…” She took a breath. “And I am so not the person to be giving relationship advice. Kara, he loves you, you need to talk to him, with him. If he truly loves you…” With a sigh, she rested her forehead against the top of Kara’s head. “Frak it, Kara, I know he loves you.”
“I know.” She tightened her grip on Laura’s arm. “I just don’t know…”
“And who is Casey?” Laura finally asked softly. “Kara?”
“He, Leoben, brought her to me on New Caprica, said she was mine…from the hospital. I never wanted a kid, didn’t want her, he made me…” Kara took a shuddering breath. “I would have given my life for her. And when we got back…she wasn’t mine. Her mother thanked me for saving her…and she ripped out my heart.”
“Kids can do that.” Laura agreed softly. “Kids of all ages.”
“Point taken.” Kara choked back another sob. “Her mom kept sending me messages that Casey wanted to see me, but I couldn’t…I mean, I thought she was mine, and I didn’t want her, but then I loved her and it’s all frakking messed up, because she’s not mine, but I still want her to be. But I don’t. I can’t figure it out.”
“I know.” Laura stroked Kara’s hair, absently noting the jagged cut. “So what happened?”
“The Admiral…he kicked a chair out from under me. He wanted me or Tigh to shoot him. If that’s what it took…” her voice trailed off as she felt Laura tense under her. “He knew I wouldn’t…”
“I know, I know…” Trying to relax after unconsciously tensing at the announcement that Bill had asked one of them to actually shoot him, Laura sighed softly. “So what happened?”
”I was being a frakking ass. He called me on it.” Kara lifted a hand to her hair, running her hand through the jagged ends. “I cut it.”
“I noticed.” Laura’s lips curved into a smile as she mimicked Kara’s movements, smoothing out the tangles gently. “Did it yourself, hmm?”
“With my knife.” Kara sighed. “I hated myself…I didn’t think anyone else was having the nightmares…all I wanted was revenge…” Her head shot up as she realized Laura had said the last word with her.
“What? I can’t be human as well?” Laura’s eyes closed. “Kara…”
“I heard they took you too.” Kara’s hand reached up to touch Laura’s hair. “He brought me some of your hair, said he had you…”
Laura stiffened slightly, a memory returning, her hand unconsciously lifting to find the small patch of shorter hair, hidden by the fact she was wearing her hair pulled back slightly. “The second time I was in…he had a knife…I thought, but he just grabbed it and sliced it off…” Her voice trailed off as the memory continued of his holding the piece of her hair as he played the knife over the rest of her body, eliciting small slices through her skin when the whim took him.
“He told me he’d sent you up to a ship…to an airlock.” Kara sniffed. “Knew he lied about it. I heard the others…he couldn’t kill you, it infuriated him. He was angry about it.”
“I know.” Laura shuddered, remembering Leoben’s visits to her cell and the condition she’d been left in after them, more often than not. Although he couldn’t kill her, there had been other ways for him to take his revenge, physically and psychologically. “I didn’t know he had you, none of us could find out anything about you, or where you were…”
“You pardoned everyone.” Kara clutched at Laura’s shirt. “How could you…”
“How could I.” Laura shook her head slowly, trying to pull out of the memory. “Gods, if we tried everyone…the hatred…the suspicions…it was bad enough down there. We needed to get beyond it, to move forward…Kara we had to put it behind us. Not forget it, but move forward. To try to heal…If we stay in the pit they put us in, we’ll…” She shuddered again.
“I can’t.” She lifted her head and met Laura’s eyes. “I just wanted to die. To not go on…but I couldn’t. I tried, but I couldn’t.”
“That’s good.” Lifting her hand, she gently wiped the tears from Kara’s cheeks. “That means deep inside you want to live.”
“But,” she broke down in tears again, burying her face against Laura’s chest.
“Kara, shh…it’s all right.” Once again, Laura started rocking her back and forth, trying to soothe her. When the curtain between her living area and the office opened, her eyes flew to it, widening in alarm before recognition sank in. Lifting a finger to her lips, she touched them then beckoned the intruder forward. “So what happened with Casey?”
“I went to see her.” Kara whispered. “She didn’t deserve to have me disappear…I mean, I’m not her mom after all, but I wouldn’t disappear, not now. I couldn’t do that, to either of us, I mean, I knew what it was like.” She took another shuddering breath. “I mean to be abandoned sort of.”
“That’s a big step.” Laura’s eyes remained fixed on the man sinking silently to his knees behind Kara. “So, you went to see her. You’re back in uniform, so what would you say to Bill…I mean the Admiral? If you could.” Kara shook her head. “It’s all right…”
She drew in a ragged breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to let him down. He’s the only one who believed in me, who stuck by me until you, I don’t want him to hate me…He said I was like a daughter to him once…I was a malcontent…he didn’t…” She choked back a sob, oblivious to the fact that the man in question was now kneeling behind them. “I frakked up bigger than ever this time, and I don’t want him to hate me…”
“I don’t hate you Kara.” At the low rumble, her head shot up, eyes filled with accusations as she stared at Laura. “Don’t blame her, Starbuck.”
“I’ll leave you two…” Laura moved to stand up, but couldn’t as Kara remained where she was, holding on to the older woman.
“You’re just as much a part of this as well, Laura.” Bill hesitantly reached out and touched the insignia on Kara’s uniform. “Are you all right?”
“Yes sir.” Kara remained frozen, wide eyes moving to gaze at him. “I’m…”
“Kara, we will disappoint each other…” his eyes slid to Laura’s for a moment before returning to Kara’s. “But we will never lose faith in each other.”
“You said…” She crumbled into Laura’s arms again, sobbing, her fingers still twisted in Laura’s shirt.
“She’s exhausted.” Laura murmured softly, “I know you were going to talk to her, but gods. What the frak did you do, Bill?”
“What I had to.” He gently reached out and rubbed Kara’s back. “I saw her flight plan. Couldn’t figure out why she was coming over here.”
“And had to come make sure I was still alive?” Laura sighed. “Sometimes she’s just a scared young woman, and no matter how much you don’t want to recognize it, you have to remember that sometimes she needs to be Kara, not just Starbuck. Even if all she wants to be is Starbuck.”
“And I had to reach either of them this evening.” He continued to rub her back. “Before she killed herself. She’s been through so much, survived through so much, I had no idea how to start guiding her back.”
“I know.” Laura glanced down at her. “Let’s get her on the bed. I’d guess she hasn’t slept in days, except when she was drunk enough to pass out.”
“Have so.” Kara pushed against them as they carefully lifted her to her feet, Laura climbing up stiffly. “Lemme go, I’ll…” She pushed against Bill as he supported both women for a moment, then took her as Laura stepped back, moving to the cot.
“Hold her.” Quickly, Laura pulled the covers back as he guided her the few feet to the cot, “here you go Kara, we’re not going anywhere.”
“Can’t stay.” Kara sniffed, but clung to Laura’s hand as they gently settled her onto the cot. “Really.”
“I know.” As Bill unlaced and pulled off Kara’s boots, Laura bent over her. “Just rest for a few minutes Kara and let us look out for you. You’ll do yourself no good in running to get in your Viper right now.” She tucked a strand of hair behind Kara’s ear. “Just relax and rest for a few minutes.”
“Can’t…” Kara whimpered again before drifting off, Laura’s hand rubbing gently in circles on her back.
“You all right?” Setting Kara’s boots to the side, Bill glanced at Laura, who was perched on the side of the cot.
“Yes.” She glanced up and smiled sadly. “Your little girl was heartbroken.”
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said those things to her…I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know any other way,” he gazed down at them. “I don’t understand why she ended up here…”
“Because she didn’t have anywhere else to go for absolution.” Laura continued to rub Kara’s back. “You did what you had to do. And you knew there was a chance…”
“I think I lost Saul.” He sank to the floor in front of her. “I challenged both of them…”
”It’s a long way from being over.” She reached out to him with her other hand. “There’s still time for both of them to continue healing.”
“She and Sam?” He asked softly, lacing his fingers with hers.
“They have to work it out.” Laura sighed softly. “There’s a lot of hurt…distrust…confusion and love. They’ll work it out, one way or another. I’ve no idea how, or to what result.”
“Come here.” He tugged at their linked hands and she slid off the cot, her other hand still on Kara’s back. “You need your rest too, Madame President.”
“Hmm.” She closed her eyes and slid her legs over his. “Will you watch over her?”
“I’ll watch over both of you.” He kissed her cheek. “All right?”
“Mmm hmm.” Her day and the emotional evening catching up to her, Laura sighed softly and nestled into him. “She’ll be angry again after she rests.”
“She wouldn’t be our Starbuck if she wasn’t angry at something.” Bill wrapped his arm around her waist, noting absently that she’d forgone her former formal suit tops with a more casual and softer cotton buttoned shirt. “But, you give her a place to be Kara. She hasn’t had that in a long time.”
”No, she hasn’t.” Laura shifted again as Kara moved, never breaking the contact with the younger woman’s back. “Shh…it’s all right Kara…” When she continued to move restlessly, Laura slid off Bill’s lap and onto her knees, bending over Kara as she started to sing a soft lullaby. When Kara finally stilled again, Laura sank back onto her heels.
“I didn’t know you sang.” Leaning against the cot, Bill stared at her.
“I don’t.” She smiled at him before returning her attention to Kara. “It was just a lullaby.”
“Here.” Reaching out, he eased her back against him once again. “Comfortable?”
She laughed softly. “I’m fine. Again.” Her eyes closed. “You?”
“I’m fine.” He fell silent for a few minutes. “Laura?”
“Hmm?” Tilting her head, she looked up at him, a glimmer of green appearing under her lashes.
“You said she came here for absolution.” He pushed her hair back behind her ear so he could see her eyes. “Why?”
“Why.” Her gaze moved from his face to focus across the room. “There were…we…” She sighed softly, her free hand moving to lace fingers with the one he had wrapped around her waist. “We had some similar interactions with Leoben during our second encounter with him. We also spent time together on Kobol, New Caprica…there were things we shared that we were the only ones aware of. Things that we only spoke of to each other.” Her eyes swung back to his, pleading. “I really can’t explain more than that, and I’m not sure why or where we established our connection, but it exists. Maybe it’s nothing more than the two of us not sure who else to trust…but, every once in a while, we seek each other out.”
“You know…” Clearing his throat, he glanced at Kara. “You know what happened with her mother?”
“Bits and pieces.” Laura followed his gaze, “I know about her hands. I know what happened the last time she saw her mother. And pieces in between.”
“Her hands?” Bill frowned.
Laura winced and shook her head slightly. “Not important. She adores you, you know that.”
“Which made what I’ve been seeing all the harder.” He swallowed. “And what I had to do…Gods, Laura, I had to…”
“I know. Bill, you love her, and she knows it. She’s never had what you give her and sometimes it really, really scares…her.” Twisting slightly, she smiled up at him, tears in her eyes. “She’ll recover. She’s Kara, tough Viper pilot exterior, heart of gold, don’t tell her we know that about her.”
“Our secret.” Bill chuckled and bent to kiss her, both of them mindful that they weren’t alone, but willing to risk the brief connection.
“Frak me.” At the groan from the bed, Laura began to giggle, breaking the kiss as she rested her forehead against his. “I so did not need to see that. Or think about it. Or imagine it.”
“Awake, Starbuck?” Lifting his head, Bill looked past Laura’s shaking head to meet Kara’s sleepy gaze.
“I so hope not.” Pulling her hand away from Laura’s, she sat up. “Am I?”
“Afraid so.” Finally recovering from her fit of giggles, Laura pushed away from Bill and looked back at Kara as she pushed herself up to a seated position. “Feel better?”
“Yeah.” Back against the bulkhead she stared at them, eyes wide. “Did I interrupt something?”
“We were talking.” Laura raised an eyebrow. “About you.”
“Yeah, talking. Right. I remember that kind of conversation.” Kara bit back a yawn. “I should get back to Galactica…Sorry about…”
Laura turned to Bill and pointed toward the curtain. “Give us a minute, please?”
“Very well.” Getting to his feet, he reached down and pulled Laura to hers before he crossed the room and eased out the curtain.
“Now.” Laura perched on the edge of the cot. “Kara?”
“Hmm?” Staring at her fingernails, she studiously avoided looking at Laura.
“Look at me.” Reaching out, she cradled Kara’s chin and lifted it so they could meet each other’s eyes. “It’s going to be all right. We’ll get through this.” Kara shrugged. “You know you can come over and talk to me any time, or call me. If Tory gives you a hard time, tell her it’s fleet business…and what is it you and the Admiral say?”
Kara sighed and waved a hand aimlessly. “What do you hear…nothing but the rain.”
“Well then,” Laura thought for a moment. “Tell Tory you need to talk to me about…water levels. You’ve heard something about them. If at all possible I’ll talk to you then, if not, I’ll let you know when. All right?”
“If I have to.” She glanced at the door again. “What did you tell him?”
“Nothing.” Laura let the hand holding Kara’s chin slide into a gentle cupping of her cheek. “He tried to tell me about your mother. You never told him about your hands?”
“No.” Kara shook her head. “I didn’t want him to…I mean, it was in the past.”
”It’s all right.” Laura sighed. “You’re going to be all right tonight?”
“Yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I think I just needed…” One shoulder lifted. “And I really didn’t know where else…”
“Okay.” Nodding slowly, Laura thought for a moment. “I’ll be over at Galactica for a meeting tomorrow, can we meet for lunch?”
“I don’t have to meet with anyone else, like Tory, or the Quorum or anyone do I?” Kara frowned.
“Just us.” Laura nodded. “I want to have lunch with someone I can relax with. Officer’s mess?”
“You sure about that?” She winced. “You know…”
“I know.” She smiled and stood. “Come on. You need to get back if you’re back on duty tomorrow morning.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Kara slowly stood up and glanced around the room, looking for her jacket as she quickly tied her boots.
“Kara?” Laura’s voice made her pause as she crossed the room to grab her jacket and pull it on. “Call me when you get back to the Galactica, all right?”
“Come on. I’ll be fine.” She blushed.
”I know.” Laura shrugged. “Just…humor me, all right? One quick call to let me know you’re back there safely.”
“You make him call?” Kara teased, watching the older woman blush lightly.
“I don’t make him do anything.” Laura crossed the room to retrieve the bottle of Ambrosia, returning it to the cabinet. “He is after all, the Admiral.”
“I’ll call.” Kara hesitated then hugged Laura quickly. “I’ll send him back in…since I interrupted you earlier.” A mischievous grin crossed her face.
“Kara.” Groaning, Laura followed her to the curtain. “Good night.”
“Night.” She strode through the outer room as Bill hung up the phone he’d been using. “You two have fun now.”
“Starbuck.” He shook his head as she disappeared with a wave of her hand.
“Admiral.” Laura leaned against the doorframe. “Using my phone again?”
“Checking in with CIC,” he admitted. “I need to get back over there myself.”
“Hmm.” Moving forward, she slid her arms around his neck. “Something wrong?”
“No. But I had agreed to take the late shift. And Bulldog wants to meet with me, has some questions.” Leaning forward, he kissed her. “Thanks for being there for her.”
“Thanks for understanding her. Or at least trying to.” Laura closed her eyes and rested her cheek against his shoulder for a long moment, just enjoying the warmth of being held. “So, is this what being a parent is like?”
“I don’t think there’s any like about it.” Bill chuckled softly. “Face it President Roslin, it’s a girl.” When she groaned, he ran his hand along her arm and laced his fingers with hers. “I’ll call you in the morning?”
“Wake me up.” She stepped back. “Don’t work too hard.”
“Don’t stay up all night reading reports. And call me if you need to.” He countered, leading her back toward her private quarters. “Did you say you’re having lunch with Starbuck tomorrow?”
“Mmm hmm, in the Officer’s Mess.” Laura shrugged one shoulder. “Should be interesting.”
“Should be.” Cupping her cheek with his hand, he kissed her again. “I’ll call you.”
“You better.” She touched his cheek gently. “You should go now, Admiral.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Stepping back, he turned toward the door just as the phone rang. “She made good time. She better had not been hotdogging the landing.”
“She’s our Starbuck.” Laura waved him off with a laugh as she picked up the receiver. “Colonial One. Roslin.”
“I’m almost done.” Laura glanced up and realized her aide wasn’t there to remind her of the time. “What’s wrong?”
“Um, Captain Thrace is on her way to see you.” Tory shifted her weight nervously. “I told her it wasn’t a good time…”
“That’s fine.” Laura glanced at the stack of paperwork and managed to stifle a sigh. “I was about to wrap up for the night anyway. Send her in when she arrives.”
“Very well.” Tory hesitated. “Should I have your…”
“Tory, I don’t think Kara Thrace is going to announce she’s coming here and then attack me.” Laura smiled. “However, can you arrange for some tea to be sent in?”
“Yes ma’am.” With a nod, Tory turned on her heel as Laura returned to her work. A few minutes later, she returned with a tray. “The Captain’s ship is docking now.”
“Thank you.” Laura glanced up. “I’ll see you in the morning then. Eight am transport, right?”
“Yes ma’am.” Tory set the tray down and left again.
Sometime later Laura glanced up and blinked. “Captain?”
”I didn’t want to interrupt you.” Kara Thrace was seated in one of the chairs just inside the curtain, watching her. “I mean, I didn’t really give you notice I was coming over…so I didn’t want to interrupt.”
”Kara, it’s all right.” Closing the folder she was working on, Laura stood and moved around the desk, eyeing the younger woman. “Really.” She ran her eyes along Kara’s figure, realizing that she was in full uniform, and the long blonde hair that Laura had just gotten used to was gone.
“I just…I mean, when we were on New Caprica…” Kara’s voice trailed off, her eyes darting around the empty room nervously.
“Come on.” Laura picked up the tray and nodded her head. “Back here.”
“I don’t want to intrude…” Kara began, only to have Laura cut her off again.
”Don’t make me make it an order, Captain.” She nodded. “Come along.” Turning on her heel, she stepped through the curtains. “Make yourself comfortable.”
“Yes ma’am.” Gingerly, Kara opened her jacket and draped it on the back of a chair as Laura kicked off her shoes and began to pour two cups of tea.
“Now.” Laura handed Kara one of the cups and pointed to a chair next to a viewport. “Just sit. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.”
“I know.” Kara stared out at the stars. “Um. How are you feeling?”
“Me?” At the question, Laura’s left eyebrow raised. “Fine.” She took a breath and sighed out, this was Kara after all, and subtle direction didn’t work on her. “Usually.”
Kara’s eyes cut to meet hers. “Usually?”
“Nightmares.” Laura admitted with a shake of her head. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” Kara took a sip of the tea and winced. “Usually.”
“Not a tea person?” Laura laughed softly. “Well then…” Standing, she crossed to a cabinet and opened it, glancing over her shoulder. “You tell anyone that I have a stash, I’ll…”
“I get the idea.” Kara watched her as she pulled out a bottle of green liquid and two glasses. “You have Ambrosia?”
“Hmm. It was a gift.” Laura return to her chair and poured two glasses. Handing one to Kara, she pulled her reading glasses off and set them to the side. “Now Kara. What’s wrong?”
Kara took a drink and stared out the viewport for a few minutes before speaking. “He…He, the Old Man…” She fell silent again, this time her hand shaking as she lifted the glass to her mouth, draining the contents.
“One word at a time, Kara.” Laura leaned forward. “Come on. It’s all right.” Her eyes widened as the younger woman’s shoulders began shaking. “Oh gods…come here, Kara…” Putting her glass aside, she automatically reached out and pulled Kara into her arms as she began sobbing. “Shh, it’s all right, Kara…I’ve got you.” Sinking onto the floor, she began to slowly rock back and forth as Kara broke down in her arms. “Shh…it’s all right…I’m not going anywhere.”
“I let him down.” Kara choked out. “He said I had been like…but I’m not…I couldn’t…Casey was mine but she wasn’t, and Sam doesn’t understand…and he doesn’t want me….” As she incoherently babbled into Laura’s hair, Laura simply held her, crooning soothingly and rocking her back and forth until she settled into soft hiccupping sobs.
“Okay…” Laura gently stroked Kara’s hair back from her face. “Better?” Kara nodded, but remained where she was, curled on the floor in Laura’s arms as Laura rested against her chair. “Now. First of all, the Admiral may have been disappointed in you, but he would never stop loving you. You know that.”
“But what I’ve done…nothing…mattered.” Kara choked out.
“He will always love you as the daughter he never had.” Laura soothed, her hands stroking Kara’s hair, one hand sliding down to cup Kara’s chin and raise it so she could meet her eyes. “Trust me. All right?” Kara nodded slowly. “He may have been disappointed in you, he may have been mad as hell at you, but he will never stop loving you, all right?”
“Kay.” Kara sniffed, ducking her head back down.
“And Sam…” Laura’s voice trailed off, remembering his frantic searching for Kara on New Caprica, and his face the few times she’d seen him since. “Gods, Kara. He loves you, but only you can decide how much you love him. You can give him what you think he needs…but if your heart isn’t in it…” She took a breath. “And I am so not the person to be giving relationship advice. Kara, he loves you, you need to talk to him, with him. If he truly loves you…” With a sigh, she rested her forehead against the top of Kara’s head. “Frak it, Kara, I know he loves you.”
“I know.” She tightened her grip on Laura’s arm. “I just don’t know…”
“And who is Casey?” Laura finally asked softly. “Kara?”
“He, Leoben, brought her to me on New Caprica, said she was mine…from the hospital. I never wanted a kid, didn’t want her, he made me…” Kara took a shuddering breath. “I would have given my life for her. And when we got back…she wasn’t mine. Her mother thanked me for saving her…and she ripped out my heart.”
“Kids can do that.” Laura agreed softly. “Kids of all ages.”
“Point taken.” Kara choked back another sob. “Her mom kept sending me messages that Casey wanted to see me, but I couldn’t…I mean, I thought she was mine, and I didn’t want her, but then I loved her and it’s all frakking messed up, because she’s not mine, but I still want her to be. But I don’t. I can’t figure it out.”
“I know.” Laura stroked Kara’s hair, absently noting the jagged cut. “So what happened?”
“The Admiral…he kicked a chair out from under me. He wanted me or Tigh to shoot him. If that’s what it took…” her voice trailed off as she felt Laura tense under her. “He knew I wouldn’t…”
“I know, I know…” Trying to relax after unconsciously tensing at the announcement that Bill had asked one of them to actually shoot him, Laura sighed softly. “So what happened?”
”I was being a frakking ass. He called me on it.” Kara lifted a hand to her hair, running her hand through the jagged ends. “I cut it.”
“I noticed.” Laura’s lips curved into a smile as she mimicked Kara’s movements, smoothing out the tangles gently. “Did it yourself, hmm?”
“With my knife.” Kara sighed. “I hated myself…I didn’t think anyone else was having the nightmares…all I wanted was revenge…” Her head shot up as she realized Laura had said the last word with her.
“What? I can’t be human as well?” Laura’s eyes closed. “Kara…”
“I heard they took you too.” Kara’s hand reached up to touch Laura’s hair. “He brought me some of your hair, said he had you…”
Laura stiffened slightly, a memory returning, her hand unconsciously lifting to find the small patch of shorter hair, hidden by the fact she was wearing her hair pulled back slightly. “The second time I was in…he had a knife…I thought, but he just grabbed it and sliced it off…” Her voice trailed off as the memory continued of his holding the piece of her hair as he played the knife over the rest of her body, eliciting small slices through her skin when the whim took him.
“He told me he’d sent you up to a ship…to an airlock.” Kara sniffed. “Knew he lied about it. I heard the others…he couldn’t kill you, it infuriated him. He was angry about it.”
“I know.” Laura shuddered, remembering Leoben’s visits to her cell and the condition she’d been left in after them, more often than not. Although he couldn’t kill her, there had been other ways for him to take his revenge, physically and psychologically. “I didn’t know he had you, none of us could find out anything about you, or where you were…”
“You pardoned everyone.” Kara clutched at Laura’s shirt. “How could you…”
“How could I.” Laura shook her head slowly, trying to pull out of the memory. “Gods, if we tried everyone…the hatred…the suspicions…it was bad enough down there. We needed to get beyond it, to move forward…Kara we had to put it behind us. Not forget it, but move forward. To try to heal…If we stay in the pit they put us in, we’ll…” She shuddered again.
“I can’t.” She lifted her head and met Laura’s eyes. “I just wanted to die. To not go on…but I couldn’t. I tried, but I couldn’t.”
“That’s good.” Lifting her hand, she gently wiped the tears from Kara’s cheeks. “That means deep inside you want to live.”
“But,” she broke down in tears again, burying her face against Laura’s chest.
“Kara, shh…it’s all right.” Once again, Laura started rocking her back and forth, trying to soothe her. When the curtain between her living area and the office opened, her eyes flew to it, widening in alarm before recognition sank in. Lifting a finger to her lips, she touched them then beckoned the intruder forward. “So what happened with Casey?”
“I went to see her.” Kara whispered. “She didn’t deserve to have me disappear…I mean, I’m not her mom after all, but I wouldn’t disappear, not now. I couldn’t do that, to either of us, I mean, I knew what it was like.” She took another shuddering breath. “I mean to be abandoned sort of.”
“That’s a big step.” Laura’s eyes remained fixed on the man sinking silently to his knees behind Kara. “So, you went to see her. You’re back in uniform, so what would you say to Bill…I mean the Admiral? If you could.” Kara shook her head. “It’s all right…”
She drew in a ragged breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to let him down. He’s the only one who believed in me, who stuck by me until you, I don’t want him to hate me…He said I was like a daughter to him once…I was a malcontent…he didn’t…” She choked back a sob, oblivious to the fact that the man in question was now kneeling behind them. “I frakked up bigger than ever this time, and I don’t want him to hate me…”
“I don’t hate you Kara.” At the low rumble, her head shot up, eyes filled with accusations as she stared at Laura. “Don’t blame her, Starbuck.”
“I’ll leave you two…” Laura moved to stand up, but couldn’t as Kara remained where she was, holding on to the older woman.
“You’re just as much a part of this as well, Laura.” Bill hesitantly reached out and touched the insignia on Kara’s uniform. “Are you all right?”
“Yes sir.” Kara remained frozen, wide eyes moving to gaze at him. “I’m…”
“Kara, we will disappoint each other…” his eyes slid to Laura’s for a moment before returning to Kara’s. “But we will never lose faith in each other.”
“You said…” She crumbled into Laura’s arms again, sobbing, her fingers still twisted in Laura’s shirt.
“She’s exhausted.” Laura murmured softly, “I know you were going to talk to her, but gods. What the frak did you do, Bill?”
“What I had to.” He gently reached out and rubbed Kara’s back. “I saw her flight plan. Couldn’t figure out why she was coming over here.”
“And had to come make sure I was still alive?” Laura sighed. “Sometimes she’s just a scared young woman, and no matter how much you don’t want to recognize it, you have to remember that sometimes she needs to be Kara, not just Starbuck. Even if all she wants to be is Starbuck.”
“And I had to reach either of them this evening.” He continued to rub her back. “Before she killed herself. She’s been through so much, survived through so much, I had no idea how to start guiding her back.”
“I know.” Laura glanced down at her. “Let’s get her on the bed. I’d guess she hasn’t slept in days, except when she was drunk enough to pass out.”
“Have so.” Kara pushed against them as they carefully lifted her to her feet, Laura climbing up stiffly. “Lemme go, I’ll…” She pushed against Bill as he supported both women for a moment, then took her as Laura stepped back, moving to the cot.
“Hold her.” Quickly, Laura pulled the covers back as he guided her the few feet to the cot, “here you go Kara, we’re not going anywhere.”
“Can’t stay.” Kara sniffed, but clung to Laura’s hand as they gently settled her onto the cot. “Really.”
“I know.” As Bill unlaced and pulled off Kara’s boots, Laura bent over her. “Just rest for a few minutes Kara and let us look out for you. You’ll do yourself no good in running to get in your Viper right now.” She tucked a strand of hair behind Kara’s ear. “Just relax and rest for a few minutes.”
“Can’t…” Kara whimpered again before drifting off, Laura’s hand rubbing gently in circles on her back.
“You all right?” Setting Kara’s boots to the side, Bill glanced at Laura, who was perched on the side of the cot.
“Yes.” She glanced up and smiled sadly. “Your little girl was heartbroken.”
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said those things to her…I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know any other way,” he gazed down at them. “I don’t understand why she ended up here…”
“Because she didn’t have anywhere else to go for absolution.” Laura continued to rub Kara’s back. “You did what you had to do. And you knew there was a chance…”
“I think I lost Saul.” He sank to the floor in front of her. “I challenged both of them…”
”It’s a long way from being over.” She reached out to him with her other hand. “There’s still time for both of them to continue healing.”
“She and Sam?” He asked softly, lacing his fingers with hers.
“They have to work it out.” Laura sighed softly. “There’s a lot of hurt…distrust…confusion and love. They’ll work it out, one way or another. I’ve no idea how, or to what result.”
“Come here.” He tugged at their linked hands and she slid off the cot, her other hand still on Kara’s back. “You need your rest too, Madame President.”
“Hmm.” She closed her eyes and slid her legs over his. “Will you watch over her?”
“I’ll watch over both of you.” He kissed her cheek. “All right?”
“Mmm hmm.” Her day and the emotional evening catching up to her, Laura sighed softly and nestled into him. “She’ll be angry again after she rests.”
“She wouldn’t be our Starbuck if she wasn’t angry at something.” Bill wrapped his arm around her waist, noting absently that she’d forgone her former formal suit tops with a more casual and softer cotton buttoned shirt. “But, you give her a place to be Kara. She hasn’t had that in a long time.”
”No, she hasn’t.” Laura shifted again as Kara moved, never breaking the contact with the younger woman’s back. “Shh…it’s all right Kara…” When she continued to move restlessly, Laura slid off Bill’s lap and onto her knees, bending over Kara as she started to sing a soft lullaby. When Kara finally stilled again, Laura sank back onto her heels.
“I didn’t know you sang.” Leaning against the cot, Bill stared at her.
“I don’t.” She smiled at him before returning her attention to Kara. “It was just a lullaby.”
“Here.” Reaching out, he eased her back against him once again. “Comfortable?”
She laughed softly. “I’m fine. Again.” Her eyes closed. “You?”
“I’m fine.” He fell silent for a few minutes. “Laura?”
“Hmm?” Tilting her head, she looked up at him, a glimmer of green appearing under her lashes.
“You said she came here for absolution.” He pushed her hair back behind her ear so he could see her eyes. “Why?”
“Why.” Her gaze moved from his face to focus across the room. “There were…we…” She sighed softly, her free hand moving to lace fingers with the one he had wrapped around her waist. “We had some similar interactions with Leoben during our second encounter with him. We also spent time together on Kobol, New Caprica…there were things we shared that we were the only ones aware of. Things that we only spoke of to each other.” Her eyes swung back to his, pleading. “I really can’t explain more than that, and I’m not sure why or where we established our connection, but it exists. Maybe it’s nothing more than the two of us not sure who else to trust…but, every once in a while, we seek each other out.”
“You know…” Clearing his throat, he glanced at Kara. “You know what happened with her mother?”
“Bits and pieces.” Laura followed his gaze, “I know about her hands. I know what happened the last time she saw her mother. And pieces in between.”
“Her hands?” Bill frowned.
Laura winced and shook her head slightly. “Not important. She adores you, you know that.”
“Which made what I’ve been seeing all the harder.” He swallowed. “And what I had to do…Gods, Laura, I had to…”
“I know. Bill, you love her, and she knows it. She’s never had what you give her and sometimes it really, really scares…her.” Twisting slightly, she smiled up at him, tears in her eyes. “She’ll recover. She’s Kara, tough Viper pilot exterior, heart of gold, don’t tell her we know that about her.”
“Our secret.” Bill chuckled and bent to kiss her, both of them mindful that they weren’t alone, but willing to risk the brief connection.
“Frak me.” At the groan from the bed, Laura began to giggle, breaking the kiss as she rested her forehead against his. “I so did not need to see that. Or think about it. Or imagine it.”
“Awake, Starbuck?” Lifting his head, Bill looked past Laura’s shaking head to meet Kara’s sleepy gaze.
“I so hope not.” Pulling her hand away from Laura’s, she sat up. “Am I?”
“Afraid so.” Finally recovering from her fit of giggles, Laura pushed away from Bill and looked back at Kara as she pushed herself up to a seated position. “Feel better?”
“Yeah.” Back against the bulkhead she stared at them, eyes wide. “Did I interrupt something?”
“We were talking.” Laura raised an eyebrow. “About you.”
“Yeah, talking. Right. I remember that kind of conversation.” Kara bit back a yawn. “I should get back to Galactica…Sorry about…”
Laura turned to Bill and pointed toward the curtain. “Give us a minute, please?”
“Very well.” Getting to his feet, he reached down and pulled Laura to hers before he crossed the room and eased out the curtain.
“Now.” Laura perched on the edge of the cot. “Kara?”
“Hmm?” Staring at her fingernails, she studiously avoided looking at Laura.
“Look at me.” Reaching out, she cradled Kara’s chin and lifted it so they could meet each other’s eyes. “It’s going to be all right. We’ll get through this.” Kara shrugged. “You know you can come over and talk to me any time, or call me. If Tory gives you a hard time, tell her it’s fleet business…and what is it you and the Admiral say?”
Kara sighed and waved a hand aimlessly. “What do you hear…nothing but the rain.”
“Well then,” Laura thought for a moment. “Tell Tory you need to talk to me about…water levels. You’ve heard something about them. If at all possible I’ll talk to you then, if not, I’ll let you know when. All right?”
“If I have to.” She glanced at the door again. “What did you tell him?”
“Nothing.” Laura let the hand holding Kara’s chin slide into a gentle cupping of her cheek. “He tried to tell me about your mother. You never told him about your hands?”
“No.” Kara shook her head. “I didn’t want him to…I mean, it was in the past.”
”It’s all right.” Laura sighed. “You’re going to be all right tonight?”
“Yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I think I just needed…” One shoulder lifted. “And I really didn’t know where else…”
“Okay.” Nodding slowly, Laura thought for a moment. “I’ll be over at Galactica for a meeting tomorrow, can we meet for lunch?”
“I don’t have to meet with anyone else, like Tory, or the Quorum or anyone do I?” Kara frowned.
“Just us.” Laura nodded. “I want to have lunch with someone I can relax with. Officer’s mess?”
“You sure about that?” She winced. “You know…”
“I know.” She smiled and stood. “Come on. You need to get back if you’re back on duty tomorrow morning.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Kara slowly stood up and glanced around the room, looking for her jacket as she quickly tied her boots.
“Kara?” Laura’s voice made her pause as she crossed the room to grab her jacket and pull it on. “Call me when you get back to the Galactica, all right?”
“Come on. I’ll be fine.” She blushed.
”I know.” Laura shrugged. “Just…humor me, all right? One quick call to let me know you’re back there safely.”
“You make him call?” Kara teased, watching the older woman blush lightly.
“I don’t make him do anything.” Laura crossed the room to retrieve the bottle of Ambrosia, returning it to the cabinet. “He is after all, the Admiral.”
“I’ll call.” Kara hesitated then hugged Laura quickly. “I’ll send him back in…since I interrupted you earlier.” A mischievous grin crossed her face.
“Kara.” Groaning, Laura followed her to the curtain. “Good night.”
“Night.” She strode through the outer room as Bill hung up the phone he’d been using. “You two have fun now.”
“Starbuck.” He shook his head as she disappeared with a wave of her hand.
“Admiral.” Laura leaned against the doorframe. “Using my phone again?”
“Checking in with CIC,” he admitted. “I need to get back over there myself.”
“Hmm.” Moving forward, she slid her arms around his neck. “Something wrong?”
“No. But I had agreed to take the late shift. And Bulldog wants to meet with me, has some questions.” Leaning forward, he kissed her. “Thanks for being there for her.”
“Thanks for understanding her. Or at least trying to.” Laura closed her eyes and rested her cheek against his shoulder for a long moment, just enjoying the warmth of being held. “So, is this what being a parent is like?”
“I don’t think there’s any like about it.” Bill chuckled softly. “Face it President Roslin, it’s a girl.” When she groaned, he ran his hand along her arm and laced his fingers with hers. “I’ll call you in the morning?”
“Wake me up.” She stepped back. “Don’t work too hard.”
“Don’t stay up all night reading reports. And call me if you need to.” He countered, leading her back toward her private quarters. “Did you say you’re having lunch with Starbuck tomorrow?”
“Mmm hmm, in the Officer’s Mess.” Laura shrugged one shoulder. “Should be interesting.”
“Should be.” Cupping her cheek with his hand, he kissed her again. “I’ll call you.”
“You better.” She touched his cheek gently. “You should go now, Admiral.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Stepping back, he turned toward the door just as the phone rang. “She made good time. She better had not been hotdogging the landing.”
“She’s our Starbuck.” Laura waved him off with a laugh as she picked up the receiver. “Colonial One. Roslin.”