ex-soldier
lately i've been wondering a lot about what my life would have been like had i decided to stay in the army. i'm not sure if its because i am getting older and am beginning to harbor uncertainties about what i should do with the rest of my life or simply because i feel i made a mistake, a rash and childish decision that would have far reaching consequences that i didn't allow myself to think about. i feel as though if i had waited a few more years instead of enlisting at the age of 17, i would have made a much better soldier. i know now that i definitely could have held on to my convictions without compromising my character too much. i had options that i just couldn't see then. i could have applied myself and been done with my 4 year enlistment by now. had a career and money and all that shit. if i had to do it over again i probably would have gone navy or air force. being assigned to a sea vessel where everyone on board plays an integral role seems more appealing now than the anonymity/lack of individuality that the army made me feel. and why the fuck did i choose medic when i could have done journalism? what was i thinking. sometimes i even forget that when i was 18 i was a certified paramedic! imagine! how is it that i had more of a future then than i feel like i have now? i mean, music is a joke. god knows i wont make it rapping. thats just fucking funny to me. and writing? i honestly doubt i could ever feed myself with my poetry that borders on nonsensical. i thought i wanted to teach but i'm not so sure now. journalism still seems a viable option and probably the most realistic. i don't know. i just wish i waited. had i gone to college right after high school instead of fucking around, i could have joined the military afterward and gone to officer school and gone in as a officer, made good money. and why do i care so much about money all of a sudden anyway? what happened to my fantasies about ol' man lou the brooklyn bum who shouted poems on street corners, barely scraping by, bugs in his beard? they've been replaced with longings for money for clothes, electronics, backyards and stainless steel appliances, best buy credit cards with no spending limit. i suppose what i really want is to feel as though what i do is important. maybe in the future the peace corps or some equivalent can help me fill that void. maybe playing too many video games in which i play the role of the hero, or reading too many tolkien books filled with honorable characters who sacrifice themselves for others, or watching star trek and wishing i was part of the fucking uss enterprise is just filling me with ideals i can never live up to. did you know i secretly wish for a hostile take over by aliens or zombies or robots from the future or a deadly combination of all three to ensue so that i could start up or join a resistance movement and become an alien/robot/zombie slaying hero? gah. ok - i'll just end this by apologizing profusely to anyone who just read all this nonsense long enough to reach this apology.