I feel so stuck in a corner
I dunno wats been going on with me lately.Maybe I'm just going nuts that my mom isn't here to corral my sister?Yesterday i was actually kind of scared.Which reminds me of how im sick of hiding behind emotions.Me and my sister got in a pretty hefty fight yesterday but i told her to stop singer cuz her voice was irritating....which eventually lead to her spitting in my water so i proceeded to poor it on her.I'm almost to the point of packing and leaving.And as much as i try to block her out its just NOT possible.It getting to the point of detiorating my self respect.I've tried so hard to just ignor it (Savanna can back me up on that) and she just doesn't stop.It's starting to scare me that my little ten yearold sister is so violent towards me and she been diagnosed with ADD and depression but my mom doesn't think she needs medication.So i guess I'll suffer til i can get out.
Lately I'll just sit in my room and think about getting closer to summer, getting closer to the life i actually enjoy.I miss enjoying life so much it makes my heart break.I want so much just to enjoy life again.Earlier today at the end of second hour I started talking to Kaitlyn about something and in the aspect of trying to always fix things i understood every bit of her frustration and sadness.I've tried for so long to fix things, with my life, my family, my sister, my dad, that I've almost worn myself into the ground.I miss running free and just doing spur of the moment things.I miss not having to worry about trying to please people all the time.I miss the summers of running with my step sister in a thunderstorm without a care in the world.I guess you could just say I miss childhood.I just want to feel happy again.
Today I watched The Notebook.That reminds me so much of how i want to live life.Just being free in the jist of things.The laidback life.I want to go back home.My dad says he is going to try to get me back there so i won't have to come back after the summer.At the same time that i want that SO bad my heart just breaks to leave some people behind.It already half killed me to move across the country before and that was before i even knew exactly what was going on.But im scared out of my mind that something is going to happen to someone else in Florida and if anybody in Florida died I think I would be the most miserable person,especially my dad.
Everytime i even think about if he died tears well up in my eyes.The relationship i have wiht my father surpasses just him being my dad.He's like one of my closest friends.I can talk to him about almost anything and even if we both end up crying theres laughter.I just miss HOME.It's were i grew up.The place where my childhood is, the place where my family [the family who made me, ME], the place where i could relax even when I'm going to school.Even when i was going to school there i don't remember once feeling like i could ask a question or anything.Right now I just wanna go home.Maybe I'm being frivolous and frankly I don't think I am but I just want more than anything to be home with my family.I miss the warmth of home.
[I'm sorry to make such a large update but i needed to vent a little]