Betrayal
WARNING! : This is a very long entry. And yes it's public for several reasons...
And if you're reading it via Facebook, you've been warned I live a rough damn life and am NOT after sympathy. I just needed to get this shit off my chest.
Okay so I've spent the last two days thinking on how in the hell to write this without getting too far off track and turning an entry into a novel. Hell I'm not sure I still figured it out but I have to give this a go. My brain is on overload and for once I'm not sleep deprived on top of it.
I've already gone into detail over the whole weekend in jail. Just when I thought that nightmare was over I get another curve ball that could cause just as many issues. Since Duckie was fired at the beginning of the month- and literally not his fault- we've been in a downward spiral faster then we ever where. It never has helped my brother- love him to death but he's ignorant and stupid as hell- hasn't worked in months. He REFUSES to work any of the jobs he's able to do while he keeps trying to get his GED. Which it took us fucking 4 years to get drilled into his skull he HAS to have. Still pissed off at his real father for making it this bad for him and for us back when the motherfucker wouldn't sign over custody to me when he threw him out while he was still in high school. Since that night it's been a nightmare with and for my brother. Just would love to beat the living hell out of him but don't because he's my brother with issues worse then most of the others.
I mean it seems as if we've always been broke. But now... Now it's just insane. We're struggling to find ways to pay bills now. I mean my mother is the only one in the house with any form of income and her's isn't without a limit. She pays all the bills we have no food. We don't get food we have no way to survive. I mean it's bad enough that we're looking at the main fact being. Duckie wants a job he'll have to leave here- from me and his expectant daughter- just to find work in a bigger city, if he can find work in one. Neither he or I want this to happen but it's looking like our only way to survive. And even then it'll be harder then hell because I know better then most you can't pay to keep a roof over your head in one place why trying to do the same for another in another place. It's next to impossible unless you work a $20 an hour job. And even though he has the ability to get a job like this. No one wants to hire him because his certificates aren't civilian. Their military. What the goddamn hell exactly is the fucking differance?!
I can understand his license being a hold up. It's hard to get this shit fixed without him being able to just go to a court house and get it over with. Why? Because it's in fucking North Goddamn Carlolina! Seriously, we don't even have enough money for him to file his taxes. And pray those aren't taken because of bullshit the military did to him. He's got to file bankruptcy because of the fact when he was transferred to reserves and he moved to Utah three years ago, they never filed his paper work properly and then they lost it and refused to help him find it. Sounds like the government we all know so damned well right? -_-
Besides these things that are current things that are dragging us down. It's suddenly realizing just how badly we where fucked over my deceased grandmother. I love that woman still to this day but my heart breaks every time I look around me in the morning and realize my mother and I are in a nightmare straight from the Seventh Pit of Hell because my grandmother promised to fix shit and never did it. That woman was just amazing at playing people against each other to get what she wanted... Yet now, it seems like this is what she wanted. To make it so me and my mother may very well HAVE to sell this house and the land that's been in the family for generations on end. The last bit of land any of us on either side of the family has that's from the great great grandparents. My grandfathers side was sold off years ago. This is the last tiny bit of land that's tied to any of the family that's originally been owned for over two generations. Seriously, I'm like the 5th generation to be here and I want so badly for my daughter and her children to have it. But it's beginning to look like that won't happen. Yet if we do sell it, there is no where we could move to that's even close to this that we have and my mom could be able to live in as well.
Very few people in my damn blood family seem to realize just how hard it is for my mom. They want her to move out and live on her own. Or live in a "handicapped facility" which in their subtle words is a goddamn nursing home. I'm sorry but anyone that has EVER actually been to a nursing home would see how shitty they are for even the elderly much less for a handicapped woman. I saw what happened to my mom the last time she had to live in one. I ws the one fighting with the nurses constantly because of how badly they treated her. I will never have her go through that again unless it's too hard on me to take care of her if she's had a major surgery like she did last year at this time. And even then I was up there making sure she was okay and being taken care of every couple of days. I can't see how people throw their elderly parents into a shit hole like those places and then ignore them or barely visit them when they decide to. I'd love to harm these kinds of people.
Yet for some reason. That's exactly what the cunt of a cousin of mine thinks is best for my mother to do. Why? So I can grow up. -_- Seriously bitch? I grew up a hell of a lot more then you'd ever know or give credit to. Take note this is the same fucking cunt that kept me in juvinille jail for nearly 4 years of my damned life. And if anyone else in the family tried to get involved my life was just worse rather then better. And even the few people that could have made a difference didn't get much out of it when I was living with her. I mean it was bad enough she royally fucked over my life back then. But then to try and bargain with me at my grandmothers funeral about how to direct my life now. And then to start running around behind my back and my mothers back and start saying how neither of us are worth a damn in short. Or even better. To confront my mother a week ago- after telling my mother to fuck off a month before- and tell her she needed to move into some "handicapped housing" and leave me and Duckie on our own just to get us to "grow up and be adults."
Seriously, we'd adore to live on our own but we know my mother can't afford to keep this house on her own. She doesn't make enough on just her retirement or SSI. Even if we could get government help with food stamps or anything like that for her, she'd still not be able to take care of the house or her dog that's in serious need to start his therapy training so he can get licensed to be with my mom and help her all the time. Yet it seems like no one in our family truly gives two shits one way or another about my mom. Hell I honestly feel like the only reason most of the family cares about me now is because they all know I'm pregnant. I have people I'm supposed to trust and rely on that's related to me. Yet, every day I wake up and seriously begin to fucking wonder if I even can.
I've been betrayed so much by my family in the past. The longer I stay here the longer I wonder if I even should give most of them a chance again now. Although I can't bare to leave my mother to these vultures. I've seen time and time again how they treat her as an invisible being in a room unless someone that actually cares about her makes her visible again. She has no friends since she had her accident. There is no one for her to trust. Most days I think it breaks her to even have to trust me, Duckie, Shannon or EJ. Yet she does, even if she doesn't always like what's said. But she takes it to heart. If anyone else in our family has been hurt more then me it would be her. Hell there are days I find out things that hurt her when I tell her what others have thought- and I've corrected their sights- and it just about kills her to know how they have always seen her. I don't give into sympathy or anything, but she's the one person that was always there even if the family had me against her for so many years...
Yet the cunt of a cousin has been so determined to try and pit me and mother against each other now it's not even funny. It was one thing for her to make my life a nightmare some twelve years ago. It's another for her to to have succeeded in pitting me and my cousin- her daughter- against each other even more so. Yet now she's the cause and reason my daughter, whom isn't even born yet, has to suffer because I'm constantly depressed or stressed to the point I'm ready to break down in tears when I just think of what I want to give her and fucking can't. Because this bitch, this cunt and slice of walking and talking shit has control of every penny that could be used to save our family from a bigger pit.
We cannot even afford to get the major things we need for our baby much less the simpler ones. This alone drives me insane and pisses Duckie off like nothing. I cannot even sleep most nights because I'm too busy stressing over how to make things work. I know I can't work right now. No matter how much I want to. I can't even go to school right now because of how close I am to being due. So I HAVE to suffer being a free loafer. Which is a goddamn pet peeve of mine and here I am doing the same thing I fucking hate most about a lot of people that have been around me in the past. Duckie's going nuts because he can't put money into the house like he was or even find ways to get the things we need for Kharisma or even help put food in the house. Watching him kill himself over this is just excrutiatingly painful. Hell even my mom feels bad for bitching about the money some days just because of some of his actions. I mean it's not even the arguments that arise between he and I over this that does it. It's watching her see him storm out and do all but start selling illegal drugs or sell a body organ to the black market. Which, yes, that second option has arisen more then once in a night. Fuck we've all considered it just to see us make it. If only we knew who the hell to talk to for something like that...
I mean honestly. I'm just feeling completely betrayed by my late grandmother because she promised, swore even, that she would have so much of this shit taken care of before she passed. I know she had the complication with her colonoscipy that was the leading cause of her death. But she had promised my mom that she'd have my name placed onto the trust account so if something did happen we wouldn't be left standing where we are now. We pretty much break the law in having to write checks from that account and every month we are afraid of loosing it because of probate and the fact that the lawyer HAS to be there to get it transferred into my name now.
How do you get a lawyer that works her own firm over from another state during the week to take care of something like this? I mean she's not even getting paid! I'd LOVE to be able to pay her for all of this but we can't. Hell if she was any normal lawyer we'd have already lost the house and countless other things. Yet all the same, my grandmother never took care of mom's trust account. She never saw to having mom's name added to any of the bills that she kept asking her to. So now we have to pay off the bills and then in order to have the names changed we have to pay all new "reinstallation" fees and shit on everything. Literally, EVERYTHING. Fucking hell. That's like another goddamn grand in the whole for basically nothing more then a name put into a computer and a piece of paper a month. Like seriously, what do I need to sell to get this kind of money? I've gone through all of the jewelry I inhierated- not like I want to give it up- and sent it with the lawyer to see about selling it. Still not a word on that one. I know there is a good bit of it that's iffy on if we can get more then a $100 a piece. Yet there are some that are work a few thousand themselves if my own research was as good as an honest appraisers.
Now that's a job I probably would be good at. If I knew what the hell kind of college I'd have to attend to get a degree in it. I don't even know if I'll be able to go to college right now. I REALLY want to. I've been wanting to go back to school for my degrees. A minor in photography, a major in business and maybe a second minor in English would be all I'd want. I could deal being a substatute teacher for English classes. I'd adore to have my dream job as a photojournalist or even as a business owner. I have ideas for the best damned club anyone could imagine if I could just get the support from some rich ass motherfucker. But I'm not near lucky enough to see that dream come true. So instead I'm just trying to get a job as a photographer or photojournalist. I don't care if it's just part time for the newspaper or as an apprentance to someone in an okay to big photography studio. Yet, by the way things are looking with just surviving right now I may very well not even be able to see myself in college for another year or two at best.
I'm honestly just tired of waiting on a miracle that will never happen. I've been so close to getting into a car that isn't even really mine and driving over to the house of the one person causing the biggest amount of pain for my family. I'd love to slug her, hell all but kill her. Which if someone offered me money to kill her I'd probably do it for free if I knew I wouldn't be stuck behind bars for it. So many people claim they know the heartache I've been through. But honestly I don't think there is anyone that's seen the amount of darkness I have when it comes to people. If my brain was actually tapped my a phyciatrist anymore they'd be on the bed as I helped them through their own mental issues rather then me being on that little couch-bed thing. Gods know I'm good at tapping a persons brain when I want to. Or even understanding a person just by the atmosphere they live in. It's a trait I honed into greater usage when I was in New York and Cinci. And amazingly that served me very well.
I just don't know where to turn to or what to do now. I'm so stressed over the financials and the chance of being shoved back into a jail cell next week because of court that it just leaves me not wanting to sleep. I'm only eating when I have to again. I know none of this is good for my baby girl. But it's all I've had the entire pregnancy. I'm honest with myself. If she comes out perfect and not being marreed in some way, I'll be amazed and thanking the gods every day she lives. I just don't know if I could live a life behind bars again. Or even without seeing my daughter or the love of my life. I've not had suicidal thoughts since I was twelve. But if I am thrown in and kept away from my family I don't think I could contain myself from attempting death then. I know it crossed my mind when I was shoved in the other week. But more then a weekend? Yeah... That would not be a pretty thing for any part of my mental copacity. I know Duckie's been worried over it, even if he doesn't voice it. I'm just praying to every god I can that I have a decent judge. I just wanna see things better. For my mom, my loving fiance, and for the future of my daughter.
I gave up my son for reasons like this. I can't bare to loose another child- even if Jaden was an abortion- because I can't afford to feed her or cloth her. I won't give her up to another family or even someone related to me. Duckie had to do that with his son and it has done nothing but kill him because of how his family looks at him now for doing what was best. I cannot put him through that pain again. I cannot even put myself through that kind of pain. I'm too dedicated to my charm yet to be born. I want to be the mother to her that I never had. I want her to have what I could not. Yet as time gets nearer and nearer... I begin to doubt I can do either. I've already sworn that if I so much as begin to teeter into a postpartum depression I'll have myself locked away until I'm well. I fear harming my baby more then I do myself. And life right now is making that fear even greater. I just wish I knew who in the Seven Pits of Hell I could trust...
And if you're reading it via Facebook, you've been warned I live a rough damn life and am NOT after sympathy. I just needed to get this shit off my chest.
Okay so I've spent the last two days thinking on how in the hell to write this without getting too far off track and turning an entry into a novel. Hell I'm not sure I still figured it out but I have to give this a go. My brain is on overload and for once I'm not sleep deprived on top of it.
I've already gone into detail over the whole weekend in jail. Just when I thought that nightmare was over I get another curve ball that could cause just as many issues. Since Duckie was fired at the beginning of the month- and literally not his fault- we've been in a downward spiral faster then we ever where. It never has helped my brother- love him to death but he's ignorant and stupid as hell- hasn't worked in months. He REFUSES to work any of the jobs he's able to do while he keeps trying to get his GED. Which it took us fucking 4 years to get drilled into his skull he HAS to have. Still pissed off at his real father for making it this bad for him and for us back when the motherfucker wouldn't sign over custody to me when he threw him out while he was still in high school. Since that night it's been a nightmare with and for my brother. Just would love to beat the living hell out of him but don't because he's my brother with issues worse then most of the others.
I mean it seems as if we've always been broke. But now... Now it's just insane. We're struggling to find ways to pay bills now. I mean my mother is the only one in the house with any form of income and her's isn't without a limit. She pays all the bills we have no food. We don't get food we have no way to survive. I mean it's bad enough that we're looking at the main fact being. Duckie wants a job he'll have to leave here- from me and his expectant daughter- just to find work in a bigger city, if he can find work in one. Neither he or I want this to happen but it's looking like our only way to survive. And even then it'll be harder then hell because I know better then most you can't pay to keep a roof over your head in one place why trying to do the same for another in another place. It's next to impossible unless you work a $20 an hour job. And even though he has the ability to get a job like this. No one wants to hire him because his certificates aren't civilian. Their military. What the goddamn hell exactly is the fucking differance?!
I can understand his license being a hold up. It's hard to get this shit fixed without him being able to just go to a court house and get it over with. Why? Because it's in fucking North Goddamn Carlolina! Seriously, we don't even have enough money for him to file his taxes. And pray those aren't taken because of bullshit the military did to him. He's got to file bankruptcy because of the fact when he was transferred to reserves and he moved to Utah three years ago, they never filed his paper work properly and then they lost it and refused to help him find it. Sounds like the government we all know so damned well right? -_-
Besides these things that are current things that are dragging us down. It's suddenly realizing just how badly we where fucked over my deceased grandmother. I love that woman still to this day but my heart breaks every time I look around me in the morning and realize my mother and I are in a nightmare straight from the Seventh Pit of Hell because my grandmother promised to fix shit and never did it. That woman was just amazing at playing people against each other to get what she wanted... Yet now, it seems like this is what she wanted. To make it so me and my mother may very well HAVE to sell this house and the land that's been in the family for generations on end. The last bit of land any of us on either side of the family has that's from the great great grandparents. My grandfathers side was sold off years ago. This is the last tiny bit of land that's tied to any of the family that's originally been owned for over two generations. Seriously, I'm like the 5th generation to be here and I want so badly for my daughter and her children to have it. But it's beginning to look like that won't happen. Yet if we do sell it, there is no where we could move to that's even close to this that we have and my mom could be able to live in as well.
Very few people in my damn blood family seem to realize just how hard it is for my mom. They want her to move out and live on her own. Or live in a "handicapped facility" which in their subtle words is a goddamn nursing home. I'm sorry but anyone that has EVER actually been to a nursing home would see how shitty they are for even the elderly much less for a handicapped woman. I saw what happened to my mom the last time she had to live in one. I ws the one fighting with the nurses constantly because of how badly they treated her. I will never have her go through that again unless it's too hard on me to take care of her if she's had a major surgery like she did last year at this time. And even then I was up there making sure she was okay and being taken care of every couple of days. I can't see how people throw their elderly parents into a shit hole like those places and then ignore them or barely visit them when they decide to. I'd love to harm these kinds of people.
Yet for some reason. That's exactly what the cunt of a cousin of mine thinks is best for my mother to do. Why? So I can grow up. -_- Seriously bitch? I grew up a hell of a lot more then you'd ever know or give credit to. Take note this is the same fucking cunt that kept me in juvinille jail for nearly 4 years of my damned life. And if anyone else in the family tried to get involved my life was just worse rather then better. And even the few people that could have made a difference didn't get much out of it when I was living with her. I mean it was bad enough she royally fucked over my life back then. But then to try and bargain with me at my grandmothers funeral about how to direct my life now. And then to start running around behind my back and my mothers back and start saying how neither of us are worth a damn in short. Or even better. To confront my mother a week ago- after telling my mother to fuck off a month before- and tell her she needed to move into some "handicapped housing" and leave me and Duckie on our own just to get us to "grow up and be adults."
Seriously, we'd adore to live on our own but we know my mother can't afford to keep this house on her own. She doesn't make enough on just her retirement or SSI. Even if we could get government help with food stamps or anything like that for her, she'd still not be able to take care of the house or her dog that's in serious need to start his therapy training so he can get licensed to be with my mom and help her all the time. Yet it seems like no one in our family truly gives two shits one way or another about my mom. Hell I honestly feel like the only reason most of the family cares about me now is because they all know I'm pregnant. I have people I'm supposed to trust and rely on that's related to me. Yet, every day I wake up and seriously begin to fucking wonder if I even can.
I've been betrayed so much by my family in the past. The longer I stay here the longer I wonder if I even should give most of them a chance again now. Although I can't bare to leave my mother to these vultures. I've seen time and time again how they treat her as an invisible being in a room unless someone that actually cares about her makes her visible again. She has no friends since she had her accident. There is no one for her to trust. Most days I think it breaks her to even have to trust me, Duckie, Shannon or EJ. Yet she does, even if she doesn't always like what's said. But she takes it to heart. If anyone else in our family has been hurt more then me it would be her. Hell there are days I find out things that hurt her when I tell her what others have thought- and I've corrected their sights- and it just about kills her to know how they have always seen her. I don't give into sympathy or anything, but she's the one person that was always there even if the family had me against her for so many years...
Yet the cunt of a cousin has been so determined to try and pit me and mother against each other now it's not even funny. It was one thing for her to make my life a nightmare some twelve years ago. It's another for her to to have succeeded in pitting me and my cousin- her daughter- against each other even more so. Yet now she's the cause and reason my daughter, whom isn't even born yet, has to suffer because I'm constantly depressed or stressed to the point I'm ready to break down in tears when I just think of what I want to give her and fucking can't. Because this bitch, this cunt and slice of walking and talking shit has control of every penny that could be used to save our family from a bigger pit.
We cannot even afford to get the major things we need for our baby much less the simpler ones. This alone drives me insane and pisses Duckie off like nothing. I cannot even sleep most nights because I'm too busy stressing over how to make things work. I know I can't work right now. No matter how much I want to. I can't even go to school right now because of how close I am to being due. So I HAVE to suffer being a free loafer. Which is a goddamn pet peeve of mine and here I am doing the same thing I fucking hate most about a lot of people that have been around me in the past. Duckie's going nuts because he can't put money into the house like he was or even find ways to get the things we need for Kharisma or even help put food in the house. Watching him kill himself over this is just excrutiatingly painful. Hell even my mom feels bad for bitching about the money some days just because of some of his actions. I mean it's not even the arguments that arise between he and I over this that does it. It's watching her see him storm out and do all but start selling illegal drugs or sell a body organ to the black market. Which, yes, that second option has arisen more then once in a night. Fuck we've all considered it just to see us make it. If only we knew who the hell to talk to for something like that...
I mean honestly. I'm just feeling completely betrayed by my late grandmother because she promised, swore even, that she would have so much of this shit taken care of before she passed. I know she had the complication with her colonoscipy that was the leading cause of her death. But she had promised my mom that she'd have my name placed onto the trust account so if something did happen we wouldn't be left standing where we are now. We pretty much break the law in having to write checks from that account and every month we are afraid of loosing it because of probate and the fact that the lawyer HAS to be there to get it transferred into my name now.
How do you get a lawyer that works her own firm over from another state during the week to take care of something like this? I mean she's not even getting paid! I'd LOVE to be able to pay her for all of this but we can't. Hell if she was any normal lawyer we'd have already lost the house and countless other things. Yet all the same, my grandmother never took care of mom's trust account. She never saw to having mom's name added to any of the bills that she kept asking her to. So now we have to pay off the bills and then in order to have the names changed we have to pay all new "reinstallation" fees and shit on everything. Literally, EVERYTHING. Fucking hell. That's like another goddamn grand in the whole for basically nothing more then a name put into a computer and a piece of paper a month. Like seriously, what do I need to sell to get this kind of money? I've gone through all of the jewelry I inhierated- not like I want to give it up- and sent it with the lawyer to see about selling it. Still not a word on that one. I know there is a good bit of it that's iffy on if we can get more then a $100 a piece. Yet there are some that are work a few thousand themselves if my own research was as good as an honest appraisers.
Now that's a job I probably would be good at. If I knew what the hell kind of college I'd have to attend to get a degree in it. I don't even know if I'll be able to go to college right now. I REALLY want to. I've been wanting to go back to school for my degrees. A minor in photography, a major in business and maybe a second minor in English would be all I'd want. I could deal being a substatute teacher for English classes. I'd adore to have my dream job as a photojournalist or even as a business owner. I have ideas for the best damned club anyone could imagine if I could just get the support from some rich ass motherfucker. But I'm not near lucky enough to see that dream come true. So instead I'm just trying to get a job as a photographer or photojournalist. I don't care if it's just part time for the newspaper or as an apprentance to someone in an okay to big photography studio. Yet, by the way things are looking with just surviving right now I may very well not even be able to see myself in college for another year or two at best.
I'm honestly just tired of waiting on a miracle that will never happen. I've been so close to getting into a car that isn't even really mine and driving over to the house of the one person causing the biggest amount of pain for my family. I'd love to slug her, hell all but kill her. Which if someone offered me money to kill her I'd probably do it for free if I knew I wouldn't be stuck behind bars for it. So many people claim they know the heartache I've been through. But honestly I don't think there is anyone that's seen the amount of darkness I have when it comes to people. If my brain was actually tapped my a phyciatrist anymore they'd be on the bed as I helped them through their own mental issues rather then me being on that little couch-bed thing. Gods know I'm good at tapping a persons brain when I want to. Or even understanding a person just by the atmosphere they live in. It's a trait I honed into greater usage when I was in New York and Cinci. And amazingly that served me very well.
I just don't know where to turn to or what to do now. I'm so stressed over the financials and the chance of being shoved back into a jail cell next week because of court that it just leaves me not wanting to sleep. I'm only eating when I have to again. I know none of this is good for my baby girl. But it's all I've had the entire pregnancy. I'm honest with myself. If she comes out perfect and not being marreed in some way, I'll be amazed and thanking the gods every day she lives. I just don't know if I could live a life behind bars again. Or even without seeing my daughter or the love of my life. I've not had suicidal thoughts since I was twelve. But if I am thrown in and kept away from my family I don't think I could contain myself from attempting death then. I know it crossed my mind when I was shoved in the other week. But more then a weekend? Yeah... That would not be a pretty thing for any part of my mental copacity. I know Duckie's been worried over it, even if he doesn't voice it. I'm just praying to every god I can that I have a decent judge. I just wanna see things better. For my mom, my loving fiance, and for the future of my daughter.
I gave up my son for reasons like this. I can't bare to loose another child- even if Jaden was an abortion- because I can't afford to feed her or cloth her. I won't give her up to another family or even someone related to me. Duckie had to do that with his son and it has done nothing but kill him because of how his family looks at him now for doing what was best. I cannot put him through that pain again. I cannot even put myself through that kind of pain. I'm too dedicated to my charm yet to be born. I want to be the mother to her that I never had. I want her to have what I could not. Yet as time gets nearer and nearer... I begin to doubt I can do either. I've already sworn that if I so much as begin to teeter into a postpartum depression I'll have myself locked away until I'm well. I fear harming my baby more then I do myself. And life right now is making that fear even greater. I just wish I knew who in the Seven Pits of Hell I could trust...