Not myself
Sorry to say but reading Lei's retort to abby's post, I sort of understand what she feels about not being herself around certain people. I feel like that with everyone. I feel like I'm trying to make everyone happy and not be me, because I like being around them and they don't like me as me, so I rebel against it, and act pshyco or dark and dangerous. But I don't blame the people around me, or try to get away from them, I'd rather not, ( I'm not talking about anyone in paticualar, I'm just saying) to me if I can't stand up to their ideas of me, and act like I want to act, then it's my fault not thiers, and I'm being weak. If I can't be who I am around them how can I not pull the same act on everyone else. I don't know who I am most of the times, I just go with what I'm feeling and try to ignore what i think everyone else will think of me, because otherwise I won't be able to not be ashamed of myself for caring. My problem is I like to impress people, I don't know why, I just do. Sometimes I feel like I'm making myself bend and twist to fit in with certain people, and keep them from getting mad at me, because I don't like having people mad at me, except when I'm pissed, or whatever else goes on. And sometimes I feel like I'm being submissive around certain people, just because ( I'm not sure why. ). And sometimes I feel like I'm using people, not directly but indirectly, and I think of how ashamed I am of myself, and try to be better friends with them to make up for it, or try not to go with them just for that reason. I don't want to use people like that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really bad for having thoughts like that. It's like I'm switched on the perfect mode, and I'm trying to fix myself, and make myself a better person, but i'm hurting myself in the process. I guess i've stopped but it makes me sad, that I'm trying so hard to prefect myself because other people tell me I have faults an all I want to be is sadly everybody's darling. It's strange. It's hard to admit, but it's the truth. Even though life at my house is better than a lot of peoples, I just have the greatest dream to be everybody's darling, and admired, but you know what that's not going to happen. And that is still something I think about, but it's too much to put on myself, and why should I care. As long as I can look at myself no matter how starved i am to be admired for my talents. I can live without it.