Glee on soon....
I hate this week. I hate it. I’m done. I want it over. I want the weekend. I also don’t want to go to this party on Saturday. I said I would and I regret it because now I am stuck going because I have a car. Fuck my life. I don’t want to. I want to hole up in here and not come out this weekend. I want to sit in my jammies and eat chips and watch television and just let myself be depressed and get over it and not have to be around people. I have decided to blame glee club for this. I think this is probably a “it has to get worse before it gets better” type of thing but I was doing FINE until Friday. Fine. Wonderfully actually, I was actually getting along quite well and pushing my comfort zone quite a bit and now all that progress has totally snapped back and it hurts. Like a rubber band on the wrist. Ignoring my issues was working for me and because I ignored them I didn’t have them for awhile. Now I’m thinking about them all the time and because I’m thinking about them I have them. Example, it is a known fact here, home, everyone who’s ever met me knows that I don’t like my looks. Last couple of weeks if someone said I looked good I could say thank you, shake my head at their insanity and go on with my day like nothing happened. Haven’t been able to do that this week. I have been so preoccupied and self conscious this week it’s disgusting. Like I’m annoyed with myself. Or I have been doing well in acting class and making risky choices and giving feedback and making progress and this week I’m such a mediocre actor because I’m not open to making big choices and its fucking with my rhythm. I want to talk but I don’t. I want to go back to ignoring the problem. Things can lie dormant for lifetimes can’t they? I can still have the issue but if its not affecting me than that’s fine right? Like cold sores, the virus never goes away but when you don’t have a cold sore it doesn’t matter right? Did you know that cold sores are a form of herpes? I like to tell people I have herpes when I have a cold sore and watch their faces. Well, I’m sure I wouldn’t say that right now but you get it. Anyway, I want out of glee club, course now crazy lady knows that I’m fucked up so I probably can’t get out of it. I need Pip here to be my moderator because I feel like I’m going to do something stupid really soon.