Yeah...
It has been so long since I have written in this journal, but today, for some reason, i need to talk.
These last two nights I have cried myself to sleep. At first I thought it was his fault, that I simply couldn't live without him in my life. Perhaps, however, this is not the case. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " I have given him consent. I feel as though I am not good enough.
I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who is terrified of not being liked. I don't like what I look like inside or out right now. I continually pick out my flaws: My nose is too big, My ass is too big, I am unwilling to forgive, I am unable to forget my pain, I cannot commit to anything... except for the commitment I have made to not commit, My hair is too shiny, I am not that talented... I could go on and on. I feel a weight on my shoulders to be something for him, to be what he wants me to be.
He called me selfish. Above all of my good qualities, I considered not being selfish my best. Most of our relationship I felt like I wasn't doing the things I needed to be happy, but only what I knew would please him. I finally said to myself that, as Rent says "You will never share in love until you love yourself." Well I made a decision, and now I dislike myself more than I have since middle school. Once again I am that uncomfortable girl with no self confidence and the fear of someone telling her how truly unattractive she really is.
Who am I? Have I lost my sense of self entirely? I just feel like giving up... Like I will never amount to what people want me to be... what I want me to be. Looks like tonight will be another lovely night.
These last two nights I have cried myself to sleep. At first I thought it was his fault, that I simply couldn't live without him in my life. Perhaps, however, this is not the case. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " I have given him consent. I feel as though I am not good enough.
I look at myself in the mirror and see someone who is terrified of not being liked. I don't like what I look like inside or out right now. I continually pick out my flaws: My nose is too big, My ass is too big, I am unwilling to forgive, I am unable to forget my pain, I cannot commit to anything... except for the commitment I have made to not commit, My hair is too shiny, I am not that talented... I could go on and on. I feel a weight on my shoulders to be something for him, to be what he wants me to be.
He called me selfish. Above all of my good qualities, I considered not being selfish my best. Most of our relationship I felt like I wasn't doing the things I needed to be happy, but only what I knew would please him. I finally said to myself that, as Rent says "You will never share in love until you love yourself." Well I made a decision, and now I dislike myself more than I have since middle school. Once again I am that uncomfortable girl with no self confidence and the fear of someone telling her how truly unattractive she really is.
Who am I? Have I lost my sense of self entirely? I just feel like giving up... Like I will never amount to what people want me to be... what I want me to be. Looks like tonight will be another lovely night.