(no subject)
Do you ever have an event just completely changes the way you feel about yourself. For me it wasn’t exactly an event but a chain of events. I have always been told I’m talented, or how nice of a job I did, but do you ever think that people are just inflating your ego? They think you need to hear it so they tell it to you? I feel that way right now. Maybe I am Ms Wilson and no one told me. Maybe I’ll just go through my life thinking that I am good enough and in reality I am not. Yesterday the play was so disappointing. I guess I did the best I could but I didn’t feel it was good enough, at all. When it came to bows I felt there was an obligation to clap for me, not a real want. Could it be that what I love so much I am only sorta good at? I have never wanted to be mediocre and strive to do my best. I am my toughest critic and I know it, but I thought I had gotten over this phase in my life. I thought that after freshman year I had past the feeling that I was never pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or even kind enough. My confidence has grown slowly through the years… but I feel all those feelings coming back to me. I am not fishing for compliments, they don’t help, I am just getting out my feelings. Jason is going on to be an actor, going to a great school for it and doing what he is talented at. I am going to settle for something I only kinda like because I am not talented enough, nor do I have the drive. I am settling for mediocrity. In all honesty though, I don’t want to go my whole life doing something that I’m not that great at.
I don’t want to do the show tonight.
I don’t want to do the show tonight.