a dream, a plan, a problem
i just slept 11 hours. i must've been more wiped out than i thought. yeesh.
some strange dreams, but i only remember them vaguely. i was at some sort of party, only the party area was downstairs from our apartment. it was a family party--my dad's side--but everyone was really dressed up...more dressed up than for a wedding, even...sort of prom-level formal. i was with David and sarah and we were just sort of walking through nodding hello to everyone, holding plates of food and glasses of wine, heading for the stairs to the apartment. Then I was alone in the apartment and there were toys scattered everywhere, apparently by my nephews, so I was frantically trying to get them all cleaned up before anyone came up to see my apartment. there was more to that part, but I don't remember anything else up until I was getting permission to visit this restricted section of a hospital. i was going because there was someone i had to talk to, to ask a question of, in there. i don't know what i had to ask or talk about. I got the permissions and i walked over to the ward. there was a big carved wooden bear in the doorway, blocking it, and I slipped around it. the sensors on the door clicked but they didn't go off so i knew my permission had gone through, so I wasn't worried when i stepped through the next doorway. It went off, though, and i figured I'd just walk fast and maybe I'd get to where i was going before anyone caught me. right off the bat, though, these two security guys who looked about my age came out. They didn't really seem to care whether I'd broken in or not, they just started working on shutting the alarm off. I said, "aren't you going to arrest me or anything?" and they looked at me like i was crazy and left the room. i followed them into a room full of folding chairs, with security guards sitting in them. nobody had a uniform. i walked over to where one of the two guys who'd fixed the alarm was and, for some reason, started coming onto him. he made some reference to dante's inferno, and somehow from that i realized that he thought I was a man (don't ask me where the connection is, i have no idea) and I flashed him in explanation of my gender. and then i started feeling him up, at which point I woke up. bizarre.
as to reality...yesterday i was so tired there was no hope of doing anything, so I spent most of the day watching taped tv, eating, looking at interior design books, and reading. i felt inspired to write but i was just too tired to do it. i'm still feeling the itch today, though, and i think I might be ready to edit the finished novel now. i'm definitely going to change a couple things, including the setting and some of the events of the ending. i have to say i'm intimidated because I'm planning to really rip into it and remove anything that doesn't feel quite right, regardless of how ingrained it is in the story, and i'm not sure it's going to come out of surgery okay, so to speak. But as it is, it's a good rough draft but a weak novel. i'm distant enough from it now that i can see that, and I think that means I'm ready to tear into it.
Despite the obvious spike in my inspiration level, I have to admit that emotionally, i'm down. it's partly after-visit letdown, but it's not only that. i called people last week to get back in touch and got answering machines every time, left messages all but once, and haven't heard back from one single person. not even Janine. not even jeremiah, although i'm used to him going through phases of not calling back or communicating much. it's just disappointing, and additionally i'm frustrated that every time I want to go anywhere, it has to be at someone else's expense (David's) because of the stupid van. i hate the fact that in order for me to go to my writer's meeting tonight, he has to give up time that he could be working on one of the websites during, and has to drive and doesn't like to, and if I don't go on account of that, I'm giving up something that is a major part of my life and is important for me as a writer. the fuck of it is that i don't even feel like going because i'm so miserable about the transportation aspects of it. I just want my own damn car, and I can't help being inwardly furious about the fact that my sister just destroyed the car my parents were going to give to ME three years ago because she ignored the "check oil" light for two or three weeks. *sigh* and of course, now they're not even considering giving me a car, ever. 'you have the van' would be their mentality about it. i went for a year and a half with no transportation after college, in places where you couldn't count on mass transit, and was unemployed most of that time because of it. and because my sister had the car they were going to give me, I was just screwed. i've never complained about any of this to my parents or my sister, so i feel like I have a right to vent about it a little here.
things will work out somehow. I just wish they'd work out soon.
some strange dreams, but i only remember them vaguely. i was at some sort of party, only the party area was downstairs from our apartment. it was a family party--my dad's side--but everyone was really dressed up...more dressed up than for a wedding, even...sort of prom-level formal. i was with David and sarah and we were just sort of walking through nodding hello to everyone, holding plates of food and glasses of wine, heading for the stairs to the apartment. Then I was alone in the apartment and there were toys scattered everywhere, apparently by my nephews, so I was frantically trying to get them all cleaned up before anyone came up to see my apartment. there was more to that part, but I don't remember anything else up until I was getting permission to visit this restricted section of a hospital. i was going because there was someone i had to talk to, to ask a question of, in there. i don't know what i had to ask or talk about. I got the permissions and i walked over to the ward. there was a big carved wooden bear in the doorway, blocking it, and I slipped around it. the sensors on the door clicked but they didn't go off so i knew my permission had gone through, so I wasn't worried when i stepped through the next doorway. It went off, though, and i figured I'd just walk fast and maybe I'd get to where i was going before anyone caught me. right off the bat, though, these two security guys who looked about my age came out. They didn't really seem to care whether I'd broken in or not, they just started working on shutting the alarm off. I said, "aren't you going to arrest me or anything?" and they looked at me like i was crazy and left the room. i followed them into a room full of folding chairs, with security guards sitting in them. nobody had a uniform. i walked over to where one of the two guys who'd fixed the alarm was and, for some reason, started coming onto him. he made some reference to dante's inferno, and somehow from that i realized that he thought I was a man (don't ask me where the connection is, i have no idea) and I flashed him in explanation of my gender. and then i started feeling him up, at which point I woke up. bizarre.
as to reality...yesterday i was so tired there was no hope of doing anything, so I spent most of the day watching taped tv, eating, looking at interior design books, and reading. i felt inspired to write but i was just too tired to do it. i'm still feeling the itch today, though, and i think I might be ready to edit the finished novel now. i'm definitely going to change a couple things, including the setting and some of the events of the ending. i have to say i'm intimidated because I'm planning to really rip into it and remove anything that doesn't feel quite right, regardless of how ingrained it is in the story, and i'm not sure it's going to come out of surgery okay, so to speak. But as it is, it's a good rough draft but a weak novel. i'm distant enough from it now that i can see that, and I think that means I'm ready to tear into it.
Despite the obvious spike in my inspiration level, I have to admit that emotionally, i'm down. it's partly after-visit letdown, but it's not only that. i called people last week to get back in touch and got answering machines every time, left messages all but once, and haven't heard back from one single person. not even Janine. not even jeremiah, although i'm used to him going through phases of not calling back or communicating much. it's just disappointing, and additionally i'm frustrated that every time I want to go anywhere, it has to be at someone else's expense (David's) because of the stupid van. i hate the fact that in order for me to go to my writer's meeting tonight, he has to give up time that he could be working on one of the websites during, and has to drive and doesn't like to, and if I don't go on account of that, I'm giving up something that is a major part of my life and is important for me as a writer. the fuck of it is that i don't even feel like going because i'm so miserable about the transportation aspects of it. I just want my own damn car, and I can't help being inwardly furious about the fact that my sister just destroyed the car my parents were going to give to ME three years ago because she ignored the "check oil" light for two or three weeks. *sigh* and of course, now they're not even considering giving me a car, ever. 'you have the van' would be their mentality about it. i went for a year and a half with no transportation after college, in places where you couldn't count on mass transit, and was unemployed most of that time because of it. and because my sister had the car they were going to give me, I was just screwed. i've never complained about any of this to my parents or my sister, so i feel like I have a right to vent about it a little here.
things will work out somehow. I just wish they'd work out soon.