Home Again, Home Again, Jiggidy-Jig.
I don't want to go back to school. I really and honestly don't. Not that I don't love it there, I just need a break. A big, long, break. Two nights isn't good enough at home. I didn't get to see everyone I would have liked to and I didn't see anyone for long enough.
I'm so tired. I can see it in my face. Underneath my eyes. My skin. My posture. No one else notices, probably, but I can see it so clearly. I feel like I could sleep for days on end. I can't wait for winter break when it's a possibility. As happy and excited as I am that Naruho and her friend are coming for Thanksgiving, it might add more stress. Coming home is stress because I worry about everything and everyone and don't want to leave.
I finished my take-home test, but I still have a report on Bruckner to do. I'm so sick of school work. I mean, I love music. I really really love it, but here I am hating the work. I just need a break. My mom said today that I've always got this way during this time of the year, and thinking back, she's right. I always get kind of depressed, so it makes sense that I'm having a hard time at school, especially being away from my normal comfort factors.
I feel like crying a lot of the time and don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I wish I was a stronger person, I really do. I wish I could withstand this sort of crap, but I can't as well as I'd like to. It's all in time, but I don't want to wait.
I can usually gague my mood when I leave music class and walk by the elementary school where recess is going on. If I see the kids and smile or think of how cute they are, playing their games, things are going well. Right now if I saw them, I'd be sad, though. I'd think about how they're all going to grow up and feel hurt and pain. How they're just living in the present and that's good, but they'll learn to worry. They'll fall in love. They'll have their hearts broken. They'll be embarrassed someday and cry over stupid things. Have regrets, lose important things, go through puberty, get sick, lose a parent. It's not fair. It's like that Perks of Being a Wallflower quote about how when you're little, sledding is enough, but it won't always be.
I don't know why I'm blathering on about kids. I just miss my mom and my sister and my best friends, even though they're so close right now. And they'll just be further tomorrow, and I'm not sure I can handle that. I'm not sure I can be away for another week and a half while I wait and just 'stick it out' until I can come home again, just to do it all over. I miss them and I miss life at home, even though I never enjoyed life here that much. But I did enjoy the people and I miss them so bad it hurts sometimes and all I want to do is crawl into bed and not leave it.
Sometimes I look at life and think I'll never be really happy. There will be times when I am, but over all, there is no happily ever after. There's only life. I guess I always assumed when you grew up, things got better. You stopped worrying. The little things become just that, and there are no big things. But that's not true at all. Adults have problems. I'll get married someday and my husband won't be able to fix all my problems. I'll get mad at him. I'll have kids I can only try to raise right, but I'll get frustrated at that too. I'll be unhappy at my job and I'll get bored with my hobbies. That's life, and it's supposed to be okay because that's how it is for everyone. I just want the perfect ending.
What if no man ever loves me? What if I spend my life alone? It feels like a huge possibility right now. Never been kissed, no one's ever been attracted to me. I'm not saying I think I'm hideous. I don't even think I'm ugly. It's so stupid to base one's self worth on others' opinions, but I'm hardly the only one who does that. I'm just being honest about it, I guess. I don't even know, I'm just complaining at this point and maybe I have been from the start.
Ten days. I hate to live my life on a countdown, but there it is. Ten days.
I'm so tired. I can see it in my face. Underneath my eyes. My skin. My posture. No one else notices, probably, but I can see it so clearly. I feel like I could sleep for days on end. I can't wait for winter break when it's a possibility. As happy and excited as I am that Naruho and her friend are coming for Thanksgiving, it might add more stress. Coming home is stress because I worry about everything and everyone and don't want to leave.
I finished my take-home test, but I still have a report on Bruckner to do. I'm so sick of school work. I mean, I love music. I really really love it, but here I am hating the work. I just need a break. My mom said today that I've always got this way during this time of the year, and thinking back, she's right. I always get kind of depressed, so it makes sense that I'm having a hard time at school, especially being away from my normal comfort factors.
I feel like crying a lot of the time and don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I wish I was a stronger person, I really do. I wish I could withstand this sort of crap, but I can't as well as I'd like to. It's all in time, but I don't want to wait.
I can usually gague my mood when I leave music class and walk by the elementary school where recess is going on. If I see the kids and smile or think of how cute they are, playing their games, things are going well. Right now if I saw them, I'd be sad, though. I'd think about how they're all going to grow up and feel hurt and pain. How they're just living in the present and that's good, but they'll learn to worry. They'll fall in love. They'll have their hearts broken. They'll be embarrassed someday and cry over stupid things. Have regrets, lose important things, go through puberty, get sick, lose a parent. It's not fair. It's like that Perks of Being a Wallflower quote about how when you're little, sledding is enough, but it won't always be.
I don't know why I'm blathering on about kids. I just miss my mom and my sister and my best friends, even though they're so close right now. And they'll just be further tomorrow, and I'm not sure I can handle that. I'm not sure I can be away for another week and a half while I wait and just 'stick it out' until I can come home again, just to do it all over. I miss them and I miss life at home, even though I never enjoyed life here that much. But I did enjoy the people and I miss them so bad it hurts sometimes and all I want to do is crawl into bed and not leave it.
Sometimes I look at life and think I'll never be really happy. There will be times when I am, but over all, there is no happily ever after. There's only life. I guess I always assumed when you grew up, things got better. You stopped worrying. The little things become just that, and there are no big things. But that's not true at all. Adults have problems. I'll get married someday and my husband won't be able to fix all my problems. I'll get mad at him. I'll have kids I can only try to raise right, but I'll get frustrated at that too. I'll be unhappy at my job and I'll get bored with my hobbies. That's life, and it's supposed to be okay because that's how it is for everyone. I just want the perfect ending.
What if no man ever loves me? What if I spend my life alone? It feels like a huge possibility right now. Never been kissed, no one's ever been attracted to me. I'm not saying I think I'm hideous. I don't even think I'm ugly. It's so stupid to base one's self worth on others' opinions, but I'm hardly the only one who does that. I'm just being honest about it, I guess. I don't even know, I'm just complaining at this point and maybe I have been from the start.
Ten days. I hate to live my life on a countdown, but there it is. Ten days.