(no subject)
The fear makes me sway.
The fear that I don't have control over the situation.
I know that I need to realize that sometimes I can't control things nor will I be able to do all that I want to but I suppose it still bums me out that I don't have that ability.
It freaks me out that I don't know what to do next.
I don't know how to handle the situation.
I hate when my emotions get the better of me and over and over they take the reigns when i know the first thing I need to do is keep them at bay.
Its ironic really.
The times where I should let my emotions speak for me I bottle up, afraid of the outcome and what it means to do so.
Then other times . . well they erupt like a volcano, the lava sweeping over and destroying everything it comes across too hot to stop to unpredictable to tame.
It seems that even though i realize that the second of the two is by far worse, it can destroy more than it could ever fix: both are still extremely dangerous things.
Its a battle for me to do what I think is right and what i feel is right.
It's hard to weigh things - harder than it used to be.
And I wonder, is it because I think more on it quietly? Or is that i don't have encouragement that my thoughts aren't. . . crazy?
Perhaps the word i want to use.
Perhaps the word is unrational.
But it seems almost positively unrational but something else as well.
I don't . . .I don't know what I want.
I don't know how I'm not satisfied.
Is it with my own situation that keeps me trying to strive for my own stuff and not really see anything else?
I would hate to be so caught up in myself.
And i don't try to be its just so hard with family and finances and all of that getting in the way.
I need a new car - and I can't afford one.
I need a car fund - people who just want to give away money heh.
Honestly without that truck to worry about I think i'd feel much better. I found some that look like good deals all under 9grand but still thats more than i have.
Even if i trade in my truck its at least 8 grand i don't have maybe less if im lucky.
Either way - its just a stress in the back of my head that becoming more prominent.
My dads out of work now so there goes that pay.
School loans are still a nightmare and I have no idea how to approach any of it - I'm just running.
And with other things in my life . . I don't know how i'm not satisfied.
Is it my own self worth getting in my way?
Or has the road just finally come to an end?
It doesn't seem right to think so.
I'd like to just keep blazing a trail out but . . .with a wall like the great wall of china in your way how do you go over? Or around? It would take time and innovation and its not the unwillingness to try that I have. It's the fear that I'll do it all and it won't be worth it.
Its again ridiculous t think that. But if its there in my head slowly appearing once in a great while why can't it be a legitimate fear?
More more more.
It seems that, thats what i need - so where does the complete satisfaction come from?
When does it just . . . i dont know.
Lost the thought there.
It just seems so selfish and depressing really.
And I hate that I think it.
Think it enough to bother me, it ma not be the most prominent thought i have or often but enough to annoy I suppose.
I wonder why that is sometimes.
Why my head looks at so many different and lingers on certain things.
Now i mean when the things aren't particularly important you know?
When it's really stupid shit too.
So unfortunate.
And yet here I am whining about all this shit.
As usual I feel worse after it.
oh well its written now and done.
At least something was sorted a little in my head.
I suppose that's a plus now isn't it
The fear that I don't have control over the situation.
I know that I need to realize that sometimes I can't control things nor will I be able to do all that I want to but I suppose it still bums me out that I don't have that ability.
It freaks me out that I don't know what to do next.
I don't know how to handle the situation.
I hate when my emotions get the better of me and over and over they take the reigns when i know the first thing I need to do is keep them at bay.
Its ironic really.
The times where I should let my emotions speak for me I bottle up, afraid of the outcome and what it means to do so.
Then other times . . well they erupt like a volcano, the lava sweeping over and destroying everything it comes across too hot to stop to unpredictable to tame.
It seems that even though i realize that the second of the two is by far worse, it can destroy more than it could ever fix: both are still extremely dangerous things.
Its a battle for me to do what I think is right and what i feel is right.
It's hard to weigh things - harder than it used to be.
And I wonder, is it because I think more on it quietly? Or is that i don't have encouragement that my thoughts aren't. . . crazy?
Perhaps the word i want to use.
Perhaps the word is unrational.
But it seems almost positively unrational but something else as well.
I don't . . .I don't know what I want.
I don't know how I'm not satisfied.
Is it with my own situation that keeps me trying to strive for my own stuff and not really see anything else?
I would hate to be so caught up in myself.
And i don't try to be its just so hard with family and finances and all of that getting in the way.
I need a new car - and I can't afford one.
I need a car fund - people who just want to give away money heh.
Honestly without that truck to worry about I think i'd feel much better. I found some that look like good deals all under 9grand but still thats more than i have.
Even if i trade in my truck its at least 8 grand i don't have maybe less if im lucky.
Either way - its just a stress in the back of my head that becoming more prominent.
My dads out of work now so there goes that pay.
School loans are still a nightmare and I have no idea how to approach any of it - I'm just running.
And with other things in my life . . I don't know how i'm not satisfied.
Is it my own self worth getting in my way?
Or has the road just finally come to an end?
It doesn't seem right to think so.
I'd like to just keep blazing a trail out but . . .with a wall like the great wall of china in your way how do you go over? Or around? It would take time and innovation and its not the unwillingness to try that I have. It's the fear that I'll do it all and it won't be worth it.
Its again ridiculous t think that. But if its there in my head slowly appearing once in a great while why can't it be a legitimate fear?
More more more.
It seems that, thats what i need - so where does the complete satisfaction come from?
When does it just . . . i dont know.
Lost the thought there.
It just seems so selfish and depressing really.
And I hate that I think it.
Think it enough to bother me, it ma not be the most prominent thought i have or often but enough to annoy I suppose.
I wonder why that is sometimes.
Why my head looks at so many different and lingers on certain things.
Now i mean when the things aren't particularly important you know?
When it's really stupid shit too.
So unfortunate.
And yet here I am whining about all this shit.
As usual I feel worse after it.
oh well its written now and done.
At least something was sorted a little in my head.
I suppose that's a plus now isn't it