(no subject)
i've never posted about this. and i feel like i'm ready.
what happened between the two best friends i have ever had effected me very deeply. to not be directly involved and still lose everything i had, was hard. there's no place to place the blame. i blamed myself for a long time. for letting it happen. for not having more control over the situation. for having that gut feeling and not doing more. it's hard for me to deal with that. i know that i knew. i know that right before we left i said something along the lines of 'make sure he goes home tonight'. i knew. but i also know that there was nothing i could do, it was bound to happen. there is no doubt in my mind that he would have done this with anything with two legs. when i pulled away, when i just secluded myself, i talked to him. and i told him that he ruined my life. but i told him that i didn't hate him and that i didn't blame him. i told him that i knew it was coming. and i hated that he came back into our lives in the first place. it makes me sick thinking about him ever coming back into my life or anyone i care about's life.
before i blamed myself, i blamed everyone else. and i was angry. and i pulled away. and i felt betrayed, alone, and sick. i didn't want anyone to tell me how i was feeling because no one knew how i was feeling. three different feelings from the three people how knew eachother the most. how is it that we could not comfort eachother? it was heart breaking.
i feel like i've grown up alot. and i'm finally ready to say that everything happens for a reason. i would not have the relationships now with the people i love if this didn't happen. i know that might sound sick. but i truely believe that. i would not be where i am now. and i know that my best friends wouldn't be where they are now either. we've grown. we've realized what we want. we know what we want. we love.
there's no need to respond to this in any way. i love you. both.
what happened between the two best friends i have ever had effected me very deeply. to not be directly involved and still lose everything i had, was hard. there's no place to place the blame. i blamed myself for a long time. for letting it happen. for not having more control over the situation. for having that gut feeling and not doing more. it's hard for me to deal with that. i know that i knew. i know that right before we left i said something along the lines of 'make sure he goes home tonight'. i knew. but i also know that there was nothing i could do, it was bound to happen. there is no doubt in my mind that he would have done this with anything with two legs. when i pulled away, when i just secluded myself, i talked to him. and i told him that he ruined my life. but i told him that i didn't hate him and that i didn't blame him. i told him that i knew it was coming. and i hated that he came back into our lives in the first place. it makes me sick thinking about him ever coming back into my life or anyone i care about's life.
before i blamed myself, i blamed everyone else. and i was angry. and i pulled away. and i felt betrayed, alone, and sick. i didn't want anyone to tell me how i was feeling because no one knew how i was feeling. three different feelings from the three people how knew eachother the most. how is it that we could not comfort eachother? it was heart breaking.
i feel like i've grown up alot. and i'm finally ready to say that everything happens for a reason. i would not have the relationships now with the people i love if this didn't happen. i know that might sound sick. but i truely believe that. i would not be where i am now. and i know that my best friends wouldn't be where they are now either. we've grown. we've realized what we want. we know what we want. we love.
there's no need to respond to this in any way. i love you. both.