(no subject)
So, Here I am once more that i might be able to further explain my thoughts. I think I've figured out what that weight may be, i think it might be stagnation, baker is always going off about how he is trying to grow as a person, and it made me realize toda that i haven't really grown at all since about january, two years ago. Watching baker these past few days, as he came out of his shell much as i did at that time, drove that home. And i've started to lose my enthusiasm for that lifestyle, but it's still who i am to a large extent. I've done a lot of things, and gained a lot of experiance, but there's been no real growth there. I found a path, a way of life that satisfied all but one of my desires, and i kept at it and followed it. I have the same goals, and the same desires. and I'm more or less interchangable, besides a few more pounds and a few more scars. But I don't think that the answer is a radical shift in lifestyle, to just careen from one experiance to another, bouncing back and forth when I may just need to reflect on a few things about myself. Or maybe it's just that I'm feeling old. Down here, they all have the eyes of children. 3 years may not seem like much, and 21 might not seem old, but it sure feels it. They're all so unaware, unsure, unknowing. there's a real gap in terms of life experiance there, and I'm definitly aware of it. Or maybe it's just knowing that I'm in the final few years of my life, That I don't have that much time left. Maybe today is the day I disappear, leave my phone and wallet behind in the sands and just wander, looking for them. but it will be a long time before they come to the sands, i think i need to start elsewhere. I don't think I'm quite ready for that as of yet. I have a lot left to do. Still, the time isn't too far, I feel the pull some days more than others, but it's been getting stronger the past few years.
I also need to start fulfilling my duties as a shaman once again, I've started to lose track of the path in the last few months, and i need to start up again. This is just the duties i've fallen off with though, not the beliefs. I need to go gather a few materials, and take them home, do a bit of work, and then while i'm there, I'll probably spend some time tanning. I have more than a few phone calls i should probably make, but i doubt i will. I think I'm going to quit smoking for a few months while i'm at it.
I also need to start fulfilling my duties as a shaman once again, I've started to lose track of the path in the last few months, and i need to start up again. This is just the duties i've fallen off with though, not the beliefs. I need to go gather a few materials, and take them home, do a bit of work, and then while i'm there, I'll probably spend some time tanning. I have more than a few phone calls i should probably make, but i doubt i will. I think I'm going to quit smoking for a few months while i'm at it.