On drive and purpose...
Disparate events but similar topics... all spread out over several years. At the heart of them all is the notion of whether or not having strong drive or purpose is beneficial to the average human being.
Last week, I spoke to Chris R. about how I haven't played on a piano or keyboard in ages. "The drive just isn't there," I said. We talk about those who have drive. He says that really those that are so driven and focused on achieving often overlook the small things during their charge. I agree in theory but state that I feel like I fall too far on the other side: I simply can't by driven by much.
Last month, talking to Geoff while on a road trip, I mused that I find it strange that money doesn't motivate me more than it probably should. "After all," I said, " I love to travel and enjoy great food and drink. It takes money to experience all of those things." I'm still baffled today. If I want to experience those things, shouldn't that be enough motivation - a purpose, if you will - to actively find more freelance work and make more money? Instead I merely do enough to get by.
In early January, Cesca said something that wasn't directed at my, but still resonated: "Complaining is like being on a rocking chair. You keep moving forward and back, but get nowhere. So shut the f*** up and get out of the rut." Though not about me, I still couldn't help but apply the words to myself. I replied: "Easier said than done for many, Cesca. Whether it's a lifetime of indoctrination, habit, or circumstance, some people find it difficult to take the next steps." I think back on my decades of introspection and self-criticism and realize that even this note is no different from complaining. I always feel like I'm in some kind of rut with no way out. Maybe it's up in my head. Maybe a good therapist would help. But it all comes down to not having much drive or purpose in life.
In 2009, I was speaking with Sara, Caitie, and Roxanna in the car while driving back to Madrid from Lisbon. I haven't opened up to many people as I did that day. After talking about my life and feelings concerning lack of purpose and goals, the ladies decided that perhaps my purpose in life is to merely try out as many things as I can. You see, that's all I've ever done. It's what I know. I'm not an expert at anything, but I know a little about a lot of things, all from having tried them out. This posibility is the closest I've been able to come to an answer regarding how I should approach the concepts of drive and purpose in my life.
Today I watched a video about drive and purpose:
http://www.thersa.org/events/vision/animate/rsa-animate-drive
It talked about how tasks even remotely involving analysis and creativity are actually achieved with less success when offered greater monetary motivation. I raised my eyebrow at this finding a bit, but it was later explained this way: "pay people enough to take the issue of money off the table." The video goes on to say that performance gets even better when you include autonomy, mastery, and... wait for it... purpose.
Wow, if I don't feel left out at this point. Ok, I love my autonomy. I may be making shit for money, but I prefer working for myself rather than someone else. I have autonomy. It rocks. Yay!
But things begin to diverge quickly after that. Remember me talking about not being an expert at any one thing? That's related to my inability to stay interested with any one thing for long periods of time. (I failed to mention that earlier.) While I understand the concept of wanting to better the self, I feel like I'm a walking sham when it comes to this. If I wanted to become a master writer, wouldn't I have done more to get there by now? If I wanted to be a master pianist, wouldn't I have done more? The problem lies squarely in the realm of not having much drive or purpose. I don't feel any strong compulsion to master anything, primarily because I don't stay interested in any one thing long enough to have such a compulsion.
And purpose? I feel like I have no real purpose. I'm just here, on this ball of rock, trying to live, experience, and have fun doing it, whatever it may be. I realize that the things I do influence others. My actions and my words affect both the friends and strangers in my life. But I don't set off to do those things; they're just effects of my existence.
People say that one should live life with purpose. "Live like it's your last day alive!" others say. What does that mean in the scheme of things? Is the crux of my angst based primarily on my comparisons with other people in the world? I have the vague notion that if I were to let go - truly let go - of caring what others think and just live, this idea, this need for drive and purpose would vanish. If I'm kind to myself, I do realize that I've come a long way in letting go of what others think of me. I've dissolved many conflicts by just being me, and shrugging my shoulders when someone says I'm weird. But the walls are still there. And I still struggle to let go of the concept of "purpose" and just be happy - kind to myself - with living how I'm living.
Last week, I spoke to Chris R. about how I haven't played on a piano or keyboard in ages. "The drive just isn't there," I said. We talk about those who have drive. He says that really those that are so driven and focused on achieving often overlook the small things during their charge. I agree in theory but state that I feel like I fall too far on the other side: I simply can't by driven by much.
Last month, talking to Geoff while on a road trip, I mused that I find it strange that money doesn't motivate me more than it probably should. "After all," I said, " I love to travel and enjoy great food and drink. It takes money to experience all of those things." I'm still baffled today. If I want to experience those things, shouldn't that be enough motivation - a purpose, if you will - to actively find more freelance work and make more money? Instead I merely do enough to get by.
In early January, Cesca said something that wasn't directed at my, but still resonated: "Complaining is like being on a rocking chair. You keep moving forward and back, but get nowhere. So shut the f*** up and get out of the rut." Though not about me, I still couldn't help but apply the words to myself. I replied: "Easier said than done for many, Cesca. Whether it's a lifetime of indoctrination, habit, or circumstance, some people find it difficult to take the next steps." I think back on my decades of introspection and self-criticism and realize that even this note is no different from complaining. I always feel like I'm in some kind of rut with no way out. Maybe it's up in my head. Maybe a good therapist would help. But it all comes down to not having much drive or purpose in life.
In 2009, I was speaking with Sara, Caitie, and Roxanna in the car while driving back to Madrid from Lisbon. I haven't opened up to many people as I did that day. After talking about my life and feelings concerning lack of purpose and goals, the ladies decided that perhaps my purpose in life is to merely try out as many things as I can. You see, that's all I've ever done. It's what I know. I'm not an expert at anything, but I know a little about a lot of things, all from having tried them out. This posibility is the closest I've been able to come to an answer regarding how I should approach the concepts of drive and purpose in my life.
Today I watched a video about drive and purpose:
http://www.thersa.org/events/vision/animate/rsa-animate-drive
It talked about how tasks even remotely involving analysis and creativity are actually achieved with less success when offered greater monetary motivation. I raised my eyebrow at this finding a bit, but it was later explained this way: "pay people enough to take the issue of money off the table." The video goes on to say that performance gets even better when you include autonomy, mastery, and... wait for it... purpose.
Wow, if I don't feel left out at this point. Ok, I love my autonomy. I may be making shit for money, but I prefer working for myself rather than someone else. I have autonomy. It rocks. Yay!
But things begin to diverge quickly after that. Remember me talking about not being an expert at any one thing? That's related to my inability to stay interested with any one thing for long periods of time. (I failed to mention that earlier.) While I understand the concept of wanting to better the self, I feel like I'm a walking sham when it comes to this. If I wanted to become a master writer, wouldn't I have done more to get there by now? If I wanted to be a master pianist, wouldn't I have done more? The problem lies squarely in the realm of not having much drive or purpose. I don't feel any strong compulsion to master anything, primarily because I don't stay interested in any one thing long enough to have such a compulsion.
And purpose? I feel like I have no real purpose. I'm just here, on this ball of rock, trying to live, experience, and have fun doing it, whatever it may be. I realize that the things I do influence others. My actions and my words affect both the friends and strangers in my life. But I don't set off to do those things; they're just effects of my existence.
People say that one should live life with purpose. "Live like it's your last day alive!" others say. What does that mean in the scheme of things? Is the crux of my angst based primarily on my comparisons with other people in the world? I have the vague notion that if I were to let go - truly let go - of caring what others think and just live, this idea, this need for drive and purpose would vanish. If I'm kind to myself, I do realize that I've come a long way in letting go of what others think of me. I've dissolved many conflicts by just being me, and shrugging my shoulders when someone says I'm weird. But the walls are still there. And I still struggle to let go of the concept of "purpose" and just be happy - kind to myself - with living how I'm living.