so this is how the story goes.
I'm not sure why this is suddenly on my mind. You would think that in 7, practically 8 years the waking up in tears part would be over. Sometimes I start to think about Mom and how much I have begun to forget about her. I can hardly remember the sound of her voice. I think to myself I could just watch a home movie or flip through a photo album. Albums I can just about do, home movies not even close. As much as I want to here her voice again or see her smile the annoying truth is it hurts to much to relive those moments, simply because I will never get to live them again. If only I could reach some sort of contemptment, even closer. Do you ever truly get that when your mother dies? I don't know what I want that could fill this void. Meaningful relationships with others do not even compare to the part I am missing since Mom's death. I go on acting as if nothing has happened, as if she is only on a long vacation and we just haven't talked in a few years; or perhaps we just had a major fall out and we are still trying to find the right moment to patch things up. I'm stubborn, she's stubborn...so it might take a while. When I see people on Mom's side of the family, instead of happiness I always feel like I'm just going to break down and cry. It could be because their conversations with me are always the same. "Your mom would be proud. You look so much like Charlene. I remember this one time when you girls were little and Charlene....." Thank you for reminscing, but truth be told I look in the mirror every single day and see my mother staring back at me. She's saying hello, I'll never go away. I am a part of you....always. But if only I could just talk to her one more time. If I knew that tomorrow I would never get to to see her again. That this truly was the end. What would I say then? What would my final words be? Sometimes I think about this stuff. By sometimes I mean alot. When you love someone its hard to let go. When you lose someone that you love it's even harder. I don't look at this as a woe's me situation. I don't need a hug or a pat on the back. I just need my Mother. Some days more than others, but still I need her. I envy all of you who still do have your moms in your lives. Cherish them. If I could have just one more moment with mine, I would give up everything.