Deja Vu
You know how they say that sometimes you can feel when certain things are gonna happen, or are happening? I feel for the most part I have that ability with you... in a way I've always been keen on your actions, reactions, the way you look into my eyes... how you touch me, you cant fool me. What I can't believe is how you are really setting up to destroy me again... are you for fucking real? After everything that you and I have been through, after everything I have given up for you! But you are right... you dont owe me anything... nothing at all... I don't own your soul... I did what I did for you because I wanted to, because I wanted to make sure you were happy... your happiness has always meant something, I can't say I've always been happy that you've been happy, there have definitely been times where I was more jealous than happy, where I wanted my career to take off, or to have the kind of recognition you get... the one you always complain you dont get enough of... I've always lived in your world Darryl... go here, go there... move here ... make sure I'm available cause whatever you have going on at work is super duper important.. of course more important than me... oh and God forbid I expect a percentage of that work ethic at home... all you saw was me complaining, not maybe that I really needed you... and for fuck's sake non of it mattered anyways because you were building it all up to hurt me again..... here we are at square one and you are about to hurt me... and part of me... the Sindy part... the girl with probably no ounce of patience would usually press... but man... I really dont even want to know... I'm fucking scared... I'm so scared... because I am 37 years old.. and I thought and really believed we where passed all this... to start over... to hurt the kids... to be unloved... to be unloved to the core of being unloved... to again not be good enough, to again not be yours.... to just be thrown away. How the fuck am I going to survive this, this time around.