i hope you have the time of your life
so I have been unfaithful to livejournal. probably because I feel I have grown out of it. yes. grown. imagine.
i think you have all gotten a possibly untrue version of events. I am not here to rectify anything because I don't need to. My personal certainty is enough because I realized this: high school is simply 4 years of drama that I will never want to return to. nor will I ever want to re-establish relationships apparently destined to fail. there are a lot of things I could say right now but I think the reason I won't and you chose to is clear. here is the basic moral--we are different. very different. remember the time you said we've been friends way too long to let something stupid get in the way? oh wait, you might not because you seem only to be capable of remembering the things I've said. lies? you may think so. my view doesn't matter now. or has it ever?
you said a lot of things I cannot believe you had the nerve to state. unfair assumptions and (my favorite) the fact that I spent all my money on someone special? I happen to have a job that allows me to GET money. maybe you resent me for being able to maintain a relationship. I don't know. and such a superficial thing as a birthday present makes me see what you really have me around for. seemingly infinite favors? kind deeds? material objects? I've dealt with it all the time we've been...what did you call it? friends? and i've even supressed the thoughts. why? because you were always the unstable one. the one that needed emotional support. I don't need anything, I've got it made. and by even fathoming the thought that you viewed me as a slot machine made me feel guilty. that guilt has dissipated. I can think clearly for the first time in a long time, and I'm realizing tons.
so I said a lot. I had not planned to. but it doesn't really matter because I am officially retiring my livejournal. drama drama boo hoo go cry in a corner? no. I simply don't need a "live" journal on the internet when I have one sitting in my room, dusty from disuse. maybe I'll pick that one up and actually do something with it. maybe not. all I know is I don't need to plaster my petty problems for the world to see anymore. livejournal's neat little goat will never be able to help me. at this point, I am the only person that can help me and to be successful I really need to concentrate on it. have fun this summer livejournalers.
actually, I will say one more thing. Because I think it is something you should know. I think, deep down, you are just jealous. just maybe. I resent you for saying the things you've said and the judgements you've made. I have never truly thought you to be what you claim I think until right now. nor have I ever EVER felt so much dislike toward someone. I'm gone for 9 days and you take the opportunity to scold me for something I did when I cannot defend myself. even if I could have though, I don't think I would have. I didn't and wouldn't have thought of making this issue known to the world on this journal, but you did. why can't i? if there is any hint of bitterness in you right now I want you to know I think you are very hypocritical.
we reached the fork stuck in the road a long time ago. and although we both went different directions, we hung onto each other for as long as possible until our fingers slipped and time yanked us in opposite directions. I am not sad that it's over. it's time. i could say so much more.
and I want to ohhh so bad
but there's this thing, self control. amazing. you should look it up.
it's been fun.
over
and
out